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Deeper Than My Skin (Anonymous)

November 14, 2011

As I sit here now, needing to reach out to those who may understand, those who may be able to share guidance, I am 27 years old and 6 months pregnant with my third baby.

To put briefly what has led me to this point in the simplest way is this: I met my husband 3 years and 7 months ago, we have been married for 3 years and one month, we have a 2.7 year old son, we lost a baby boy at 19 weeks in january and just before our sons first birthday I discovered that my husband had been sneaking porn and when confronted he looked into my eyes and lied… again and again over the next year. This completely destroyed my trust in him and also my self worth. It has been a battle to open his eye’s to how disrespected I feel. Had he been open and honest about it things would have been very different. As it is now I am in a state of anxiety most days, our relationship is simply woeful.

All I want is to feel respected and truly loved… that’s not more than I deserve is it?

Today he told me that he is ‘not into me’ anymore, that he loves me and wont leave me but just ‘isnt into me’. It felt like a knife through my heart. I use to be everything to him, and now I just feel like a train wreck, a mess of a person with emotions that are all over the place and uncontrollable. On the outside you would not think that I had such low self-esteem, such desperate thoughts and that some days I wish I simply didn’t exist… people on the street come to tell me how beautiful I am, but this makes no difference to the deep hurt that is basically eating away my sense of self. I feel like a shell of a person with nothing to offer. I have no friends, no one to turn to when desperation finds me crying on the floor. My husband does’nt comfort me, he doesn’t want to anymore…

I have come to realise that it doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside, if your partner isn’t attracted to the inner you your screwed. I cant love myself, I don’t feel beautiful and I feel so guilty for the effects this all has on our son and my little one who I know feels everything that I feel.

This pregnancy means so much to me, I was desperate after loosing our little boy to feel ‘full’ again. I do feel so blessed to be pregnant and am enjoying crocheting nappy covers and planning another homebirth etc But in this moment I’m hurting and am struggling. I imagined that being pregnant again would have my husband and I reconnect, that he would view me in a new light and all would be well… wishful thinking. I hope so much that I have a more positive view of myself by the time labour arrives, feeling this pathetic will have such a terrible effect on giving birth and bonding.

At the end of the day it doesn’t matter what you look like or how ‘lucky’ or ‘unlucky’ you may think yourself to be after having a child, all that truly matters is the way you feel about yourself and having your partner appreciate, respect and love you for you. If the way I felt on the inside showed on the outside I would not be getting compliments. I feel like a hideous person. I feel that something is so wrong with me that I cant even let myself befriend anyone.

I feel that my outside appearance is a lie. I will attach a couple of photo’s of me taken a couple of weeks ago and a before pic… If I was to be honest about the way I look then I would say I have very little to complain about, as with any woman there are things I would change, such as the cellulite on my thighs, my breasts that are completely covered in stretch marks (I’m not exaggerating!) and my hereditary double chin from my great granny… but to feel adored, respected and wanted for the person I am inside would mean so very much more.

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26 Responses to “Deeper Than My Skin (Anonymous)”

  1. shannon Says:
    November 14th, 2011 at 7:48 am

    I have to say that I was in awe when I say your pictures…you are so very beautiful. You have that sweet, down to earth look about you! Your husband is absolutely crazy to not be into you anymore. It is easier said than done, but I would say, leave him. Life is too short, you are too young and beautiful to not be happy. All women, especially mothers, deserve a man that loves and respects them. That man is most definitely out there for you. I hope thing are better for you by the time you have your baby. I am also so sorry to hear about your baby boy. Good luck Mama.

  2. Anna Says:
    November 14th, 2011 at 8:35 am

    I hurt for you and was brought to tears reading your post. You, me and so many other women, hurt and betrayed by the ones who swore to love us. It makes me so angry at them, AND the porn industry!! I will be posting my story now today. Congrats on your pregnancy, you like beautiful outside and you sound beautiful inside.

  3. Jackie Says:
    November 14th, 2011 at 9:04 am

    OH MY GOSH! hun you are GORGEOUS! your belly looks beautiful and in the first picture you cant even tell you had a baby! you have no stretch marks on your belly? so lucky… I have stretch marks alittle on my belly, all over my boobs, and ALL over my legs and butt from loseing..32 pounds in two months due tp olicky baby+not eating.. i cry all the time. and i broke up with my babys dad because of them.. i feel ugly. i use a thing called a derma roller + bio oil.. the dermaroller helps fade/ minimize the marks. but i wish you felt better about yourself.. im jealous :(

  4. Mandy Says:
    November 14th, 2011 at 10:12 am

    you look good.

  5. Mandy Says:
    November 14th, 2011 at 10:14 am

    Your husband is an idiot, and just looking for an excuse to enjoy other woman, your good looking so dont worry there is a guy out there for you even with kids, men these days dont care if you have kids, your hot!

  6. megan Says:
    November 14th, 2011 at 10:35 am

    could your husband be going through some sort of depression himself? Men can be real jerks when they are bothered by something? I know mine was. when he was depressed and unemployed he would even turn me down for oral sex…many times. I felt so rejected and unloved and ugly. Not to excuse what he said but hopefully you guys can work through it for the sake of your own sanity and for your little one on the way.
    my husband had a problem with Porn during that time and for a long time. I still think he looks at it and just hides that shit better. I really resent him for it still. When men constantly look at that it changes their perception of sex and numbs their minds about sexuality and what turns them on and what not. it can really SCREW a relationship because sex IS important. You are not alone MANY women out there feel unloved, unwanted, and unattractive because their husbands look at porn. Especially during a time where they might not feel so great about their bodies. I HATE that men do this. HATE IT. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

    On a side note. you are a REALLY hot! I find you attractive from what I can see in the pics. so hang in there girl.

  7. Faith Says:
    November 14th, 2011 at 2:40 pm

    My husband had a problem with porn a few years ago and it hurt our marriage in every way. What your husband is saying has everything to do with his addiction to porn not how you look or how loveable and beautiful you are. It really does screw with the guys’ mind. It is a real addiction. My husband went to addiction recovery meetings specifically for porn and I went to support meetings for the loved ones who are hurt by it. We went to the ones offered by The Church or Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. They are free. I’m sure there are others too. It was very helpful. My husband has not looked at it for years now and things are better and our marriage is stronger for having overcome that together. Your guy has to WANT to change though and know that what he is doing is wrong.

    No matter what he does seek out support from friends, family, church, support groups etc. Do not try to deal with this alone. I know if hurts so badly! There are people who will help you but they only can if they know you are hurting.

  8. Mary V Says:
    November 14th, 2011 at 3:10 pm

    you are beautiful, and your husband should read this post. best of luck to you, you may not feel like a whole person right now, but to your children you are the whole world :)

  9. alexis Says:
    November 14th, 2011 at 4:43 pm

    I know I am going to get flamed for this but men do look at porn. And it doesn’t brainwash them from being attracted to their wives. But constant arguing about this pretty standard issue feature of male sexuality drives a huge wedge between partners.

    Another interesting fact: lots of women look at porn. I will personally step out of the closet and say that I do. And yes, some women’s bodies are nicer than mine in some ways. But pornography isn’t like it used to be… it isn’t all plastic surgery and bleached hair. All types of women are represented. It is made on the cheap and it is becoming more of a women run industry. And the most consumed pornography is for plus sized women. If you take a deep breath and google some videos, you will see women of all shapes and sizes.

    I do sneak around and look at what my husband has on his computer history, and it is a pretty broad spectrum. Men are visually curious. I have had some pretty frank discussion with him about what motivates him to look at this or that, and a lot of the time it is just a boyish curiosity.

    I think women need to take this pornography issue of the self-destruct button. Being married and partnered is not just about being respected but it is about learning about the other person and learning to live together.

    I suggest reading Dan Savage if you ever get a chance. He has some sage advice about coping with the emotional turmoil of partners disagreeing about pornography consumption.

  10. No Name Says:
    November 14th, 2011 at 7:36 pm

    ((hugs)) Being pregnant should be a joy. I hope that you’re able to embrace your beautiful pregnancy and that you and your husband seek help for your marriage. More ((hugs)) to you, momma.

  11. Ann Says:
    November 15th, 2011 at 1:14 pm

    Honey- I have a very similar story on here. Look me up under twins. My husband had a full blown porn addiction and became not “into me” either. That was a year ago and now he is clean. He got some help for an issue that was nothing less then a full blown addiction and things are so much better. He can finally see me instead of the sex and the lust and we are on our way to happy. I can tell you one thing- his looking at porn has nothing to do with you. He probably looked before he knew you and it was already a habit when you became part of his life. He needs help but you need to realize you are gorgeous and this isn’t your fault. Look for spouse support groups in your area. This will help- also I recommend the book Hope after betrayal by Meg WIlson. Lots of love.

  12. Ann Says:
    November 15th, 2011 at 1:22 pm

    In regards to Alexis- I will respectfully disagree that porn doesn’t hurt the way a man views his wife. They are finding in study after study that men between the ages of 20 and 40 are now suffering from erectile dysfunction at an alarming rate due to the consumption of pornography. Also, if a woman is morally opposed to porn and it does hurt her self esteem then shouldn’t that be reason enough for her loving life mate to turn away?

    Here are some links to said studies. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2051902/Men-use-internet-porn-likely-hopeless-bedroom.html

    http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6525520/ns/health-sexual_health/t/addiction-porn-destroying-lives-senate-told/

  13. michelle Says:
    November 15th, 2011 at 9:18 pm

    Please excuse my profanity but, fuck him… You are gorgeous and no amount of stretch marks, extra weight, extra skin etc. can change that… I honestly don’t have an issue with porn, but I do have an issue with lying and he lied to you. Relationships are built on trust.

  14. shannon Says:
    November 16th, 2011 at 8:07 am

    Alexis:

    I do believe that porn is wrong…but that is not the point. When a women is clearly hurt and betrayed by her husband looking at porn (like this woman obviously is), it is not other women’s jobs to convince her that she is wrong, and that porn is ok. This is how she feels. I know that no matter what people say to me, I will never feel porn is ok.

  15. Wren Says:
    November 18th, 2011 at 3:51 pm

    I can’t say anything that hasn’t already been said by everyone else, but I have to post anyway. You’re BEAUTIFUL and seem like an amazing and beautiful person. It makes me hurt thinking of your husband and how he could do that to you, and be so heartless while you’re giving life to his child… I wish you the very BEST and even though things are hard for you, I get the sense that you are a smart person and I wish you strength to get through your situation. You need someone that loves you completely, inside and out!

  16. Stephanie Says:
    November 19th, 2011 at 9:46 am

    Porn is a slippery slope and it takes more and more ‘erotica’ to turn them on. I do not believe any women ‘wants’ her husband/significant other to be turned on by someone other than her. He is addicted to it by now and that is why he’s telling you he’s not ‘into you’. He has to realize this and if he chooses to he can recover. He has to want that though. However his problem does NOT define you! You do not need to just accept what he does. You should not compromise yourself and your values and ideals to make him ‘happy’ because nothing will ever be enough when someone is consumed. You are extremely beautiful on the outside and I believe you are on the inside as well. What concerns me most is your children possibly stumbling up on these images that they can’t possibly understand. It amazes me how many women want to make light of this serious issue.

  17. Terri C Says:
    November 19th, 2011 at 1:19 pm

    I am so sorry this is happening to you. I do believe that viewing pornographic images alters one’s perspective about what is normal, in appearance and behavior as well. So I agree that your husband’s attitude toward you is not about you in any way but about him and his continued use of pornography and immersion in images that have that effect. Wish that I could offer any help; all I can do is echo what others have said which is that you are beautiful in yourself and you are not responsible in any way for your husband’s use of porn or his feelings.

  18. Sarah Says:
    November 20th, 2011 at 3:07 pm

    The statements of “I’m not in to you” and “but I still love you” do not go together. Please, both of you, reach out to each other and the community and seek help.

  19. Lauren Says:
    November 21st, 2011 at 1:12 pm

    You are gorgeous! I hope your husband can find some way to open up with you and share what is really going on. Porn absolutely changes men’s perceptions of real women, real beauty, real commitment, real love, real relationships, real intimacy, and real sex. Are they naturally visually curious – yes – but when you get married you make a COMMITMENT and that is no excuse for imagining f***ing other women. Your heart, your body, your life, your eyes belong to your spouse and should support – not destroy – your marriage. Porn may be what started his feelings about your relationship, or it may be a symptom of something deeper. Don’t give up hope yet. It probably has nothing to do with you or your body, but is something you both need to break through together and try to find intimacy again, even if that doesn’t mean sex. I hope you can continue to pursue him and find help to get through this together. I know many couples who have come out the other side, after much struggle, much stronger.

  20. river Says:
    November 23rd, 2011 at 3:26 pm

    While many will argue if porn is damaging to a relationship it is quite frankly besides the point. I am morally opposed to porn my partner is aware of this and i have in a frank and clear way told him i will leave him if he lies to me again and watches that vile crap. And i would. But anyway. You my dear deserve better. Your son deserves better. You baby deserves better. And if this is already destroying you, which in my opinion it is, you may want to get legal advice and look into a devorce. If anything it may shock him into gear and re evaluate his.position.

    I know people will say work it out with him or talk to him. But youve got to think about how your feeling and how that affects the children.

    You are beautiful and ill bet any man would fall over themselves for a chance to be with you. Think it all over. Get intouch with your community. Get legal advice. Get help from your family.

    Remember you deserve.love and respect. You do not deserve to feel like dirt. So think it through.

  21. Aidan Tro Says:
    November 27th, 2011 at 2:17 pm

    I can only imagine what the loss of your child has done to you, your husband, your son, and your marriage. My older brother died when I was five, he was 22 and my mother never got over it. If his name comes up, she starts crying like it happened last week. I believe that the loss of a child puts people into a kind of alternate universe nightmare that the rest of us can’t really imagine. I’ve heard that many marriages don’t survive under the sheer grief.

    It’s obvious that your husband’s porn and “not being into you” has nothing to do with you or your body. One look at your pictures confirms that. I have been in a similar situation (pregnant, with a depressed husband who used porn but wouldn’t have sex with me), and the way I got through it was to find the strength to care for myself and my other children, inside myself.

    I reminded myself of the legions of women who had come before me, birthing and caring for children under harder circumstances than I faced, and I imagined that they were silently standing around me, protecting and encouraging me.

    You have to have priorities. You can’t let him destroy you inside. Your marriage might be salvageable, but only through the real efforts and willingness of both parties. If there is a choice between leaving your marriage to create your own safe love nest for your kids, and living with an unworkable situation while he pretends not to care, it’s more than ok to put your children and yourself first. You absolutely did not create this situation, and you have the right to refuse to cooperate with him if he insists on tearing you down.

    Imaging the gall of someone who says he won’t leave you, but he’s not into you. As if you would settle for his charity!

  22. Gia Says:
    December 7th, 2011 at 8:45 am

    My husband too, is obessed with porn. It’s been like 4 years that I have known about it and told him how uncomfortable it makes me feel. But he still does it. I’ve learned to just ignore it, or think of it as his instintual caveman in which they were merely concerned with reproducing and not being monogamous. However I do hate the porn thing, and I don’t feel like I can compete with those woman. (2 pregnancies/2 births) and pregnant with the 3rd. And he really loses interest in me once I am pregnant. However he has never said it. And after having the baby he seems interested in me. I think that you deserve much better, and I am sure there is a man out there that would be into you no matter what. I also understand it could be difficult envisioning leaving the father of your children. Maybe you could suggest therapy? We have debated that when things get bad here, just can’t afford it.

  23. Jolene Says:
    December 18th, 2011 at 11:41 pm

    I could never deal with that and my husband doesn’t like porn. I don’t see it as “normal” at all because it is unhealthy and any behavior that is unhealthy is considered abnormal by psychology. It is healthy to focus on your partner when in a relationship and not make them feel as though you need to go outside for love. It seriously brings couples a lot closer together when they know they depend sexually solely on each other because if you need to go to a movie for satisfaction what is to say you don’t need to go to someone in person which is even more temptation. That said, you are lovely and I am jealous and think you need to find someone who really respect you and doesn’t look outside you after gifting the world with three beautiful lives. xoxo

  24. Joleen Says:
    March 2nd, 2012 at 9:16 am

    Hi, stop thinking negative. Def. your hormones are getting to you! I don’t know what you belive in but it would help if you started praying to get out of your depression and help with your marriage.

    Don’t leave your husband. Yes, he is not being understanding and has no idea what you are feeling inside, but you are still his wife. So just try to get close to him in other ways before you just write him off. Sit him down and have a talk with him about what you are feeling. Also, porn really destroys a lot of things in a marriage, because it is the false image of a woman. And after this baby. Work out and embrace your mommy body! Its amazing what your body is doing! And get some cream for your stretch marks. Make the best with what you have! I have stretch marks and everything else too! But if your feeling good and into yourself he will be too!

    On another note, usually when husband or wife doesnt feel “into” one another, it is because they need to connect with one another. So kiss your husband as much as you can, go away for a couple days and text him all day, take a shower with him and put his hands on your belly, fix him his favorite dish, give him long hugs and passionate kisses before he leaves for work, go on a walk and hold hands, be upbeat with him and really look into his face and smile at him, dont walk around frumpy and mad… my point is, there are a lot of things you can do before you should decide to give up.

    Your marriage comes first and so does your husband, so make sure he knows that you still care for him and he will return the love. You love unconditonally regardless of how your spouse because love doesnt get a grade. Hes a man and will make mistakes and he’ll be a man and not realize that everything he says, especially while his wife is preg. affects her.

    I dont mean to sound harsh and i hope i dont. But wake up and embrace your marriage before it gets worse. If mommy and daddy are great then the babies are too! Remember that! So take care of your husband even tho he is being an a-hole. And maybe your hubsand doesnt want to have sex right now, but i dont know any man who doesnt want oral sex. I bet his attitude will change then. Anyhow just please try some things to get out of your slump. Don’t let your husband be the highlight of your day. you have to learn to do things that make your feel good and lift you up, besides your husband. XOXO! And if you ever need to talk i’d be more than happy to be a friend. Def. going to pray for you though! Godbless!

  25. Mike Says:
    November 25th, 2013 at 4:12 pm

    Joleen gets it but Ann with her PORN ADDICTION comment is way off. I am a man, 43yrs old and have a beautiful wife, mother of 2, and we lost one. She was 24yrs old, 5ft, 100lbs and had a 4yr old when we met over 12yrs ago. Her breasts were an A or less, her stomach was all crinkled up, stretch marks etc… never bothered me.

    She dated a friend of mine for a few months, 2 years later we decided to hook up. She had feelings for me the first month and after 3 years we hit a point where I wanted a family/baby but she didn’t. We broke up for about a year and dated other people. Year and a half later it was obvious to us that we were not going to find “greener grass” in different pastures.

    We got pregnant and married 5 years ago. She has gained some weight, probably at 140lbs now, she feels fat, self conscious, but I think she looks better! Her breasts and belly filled out perky and she has a nice big butt! =)

    I tell you this story because I look at porn all the time. She hates it. She, like most women, wants to think that their man has only eyes for them. In reality the guys who don’t look at porn are usually the cheaters. We men of limited imagination need to see porn to be able to vicariously live it out.

    I always found tall big breasted women attractive,,, and still do… But! I have been having sex with the same woman for 5 years (3 years before that) and it’s always great because “we connect”. I have no desire to cheat. I’ve had sex with all types of women, and firmly believe that my wife is the best. She might feel like a 4, she might be a 7, but she is a 10 to me!

    Porn doesn’t make a man limp as Ann suggests above. Maybe if he just had an orgasm 10mins ago, could but not having interest in the woman surely does. I’ve had great sex with women I don’t like, terrible sex with ones I loved. But to continue wanting to be with that person takes the connection that Joleen speaks about above.

    I love the color Blue and the taste of Roast Beef. If someone else doesn’t, that doesn’t mean there is something wrong with me. likewise, it just means people change and the fact you got pregnant probably has nothing to do with your husband not wanting you emotionally or physically from the sound of it. You are a gorgeous woman!

    I understand he lied, but he was probably embarrassed, you only knew each other 6 months before marriage. There could be a possibility he crawled in a hole to hide this embarrassment, meanwhile you might have been giving him the 3rd degree about porn? Catching him in his lies! I had plenty of girls who smoked and lied and broke up with me when I caught them! When my wife is mad at me I don’t feel like having sex with her either…especially about porn, big deal, get over it.

    Men cant help themselves but look at women, same as they look at race cars, electronic gadgets and motorcycles. Looking doesn’t mean we will purchase that race car or Hog, we just want to look at it maybe visualize owning it. Women don’t get this, because they don’t want to look at men, race cars, or motorcycles. They assume if we don’t want them it’s because they didn’t look good enough.

    Yet the same women who point out looking at porn somehow castrates us, forget how every man they knew has wears an old shirt, jeans, shoes, every where he goes. Most drive an old car and just keep fixing her. By nature we don’t like change (babies are a big change)and even though we want to see some busty blonde take it in the butt by a big guy, we don’t want that guy doing that to our woman and some of us don’t want to do it at all.

    Give him a break about his porn, share with him how you feel, tell him you want him to love you and maybe offer some of the things he see’s in the porn? (nothing involving someone else though) Saying he will stay with you is a good sign, but you just lost that spark. Fight to get it back.

  26. Ellie Says:
    February 13th, 2014 at 3:09 pm

    I’m sorry this is happening to you, I get it. I am married to a porn addict. Yes Mike, porn addiction is a real thing. I don’t call my husband that, he himself identifies as a porn addict. Read the definition of addiction, and apply it to porn. If you aren’t addicted, you should be able to stop if it affects someone you love very deeply. If you can’t stop, you have a problem. If your wife knew it didn’t mean anything to you, that it’s normal for guys, that it doesn’t affect you, she wouldn’t have a problem with you viewing it. My husband is in a 12 program called S.A. Many men in his group have 2 or 3 failed marriages behind them due to porn addiction. So don’t tell me it’s not a real thing, I live with someone who struggles with it.
    To the writer of the post: Even if your husband won’t get help, you still need support. There are support groups for the wives of men dealing with porn addiction. It would be good for you to talk with women who are going through the same thing. Also, addiction is a disease. Your husband is still the man you married, he is just sick. He might not be ready to get well, or view his porn as a problem, and in that case, you need to do what you need to do to protect your children from it. Does he view it around them? Does he have a problem with leaving it open on his computer or devices? Does he watch porn when he is supposed to watching the kids when you aren’t around? You need to set boundaries using “I feel” phases. Don’t get confrontational or aggressive, your husband will see you as the problem. If you have to, write down what you need to say before you say it. For instance: “I feel it is very inappropriate for our children to see porn at this age. I would appreciate it if you could view it only outside our home. If you feel that you have to view porn, please view it in your car.” I hope this helps, but honey, you really really need to check out a support group. If anything, it will help you become less emotional about the whole thing, and as your husband sees you getting help, it may encourage your husband to seek help too. Last thing: Your husbands addiction has nothing to do with you. If you were a foxy supermodel, your husband would still have the same disease. And addicts can be incredibly hurtful with the things they say too, so try not to listen.

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