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C(section) You in Heaven, My Dear (Krystal)

May 18, 2011

My third, and what I was hoping to be my final, pregnancy was beautiful in every way. I was always an active Preggo momma and continued this through my third pregnancy with walking, riding bikes and yoga. My first 2 pregnancies were also active and easy, leaving my body in pretty good shape and with healthy natural births. With just a few stretch marks here and there to complement the easy loving children who came with them. I was heading into my 38th week of pregnancy and preparing for a homebirth with a midwife who seemed to be just wonderful and perfect to accompany us. Again my body was holding up so well and I was always happy that each of my children left me with just a few battle scars. Oct. 27th I had a MW appointment and was gaining steadily, baby was ready for arrival and I was happy to only have acquired another 3 or 4 stretch marks with the 45 lb. gain on my 5’2” frame. Little did I know the next day would leave me with one of the hardest scars to accept. I awoke at 5 am, on Oct. 28th, and was instantly worried because my little bean wasn’t waking me up like she usually did at 3 am doing jumping jacks. I waited it out till about 7 am and was only getting small shifts. I called my MW and received no answer so I called the OBGYN I was also working with through my pregnancy. The nurse called me back about 930 am and told me to head on up to the hospital. My MW was still no where to be found as she is even to this day. I went in and at about 1030 am I was called back to have a NST. The sweet sound of my little beans Heartbeat was beautiful and a normal 141. My husband showed up about 10 minutes later and we sat and listened to the sweet thumping sounds coming from the little machine next to me. Suddenly, as if the world stopped, her heartbeat did too going from 141, to 80 , 40, 80……gone. That little machine then turned into the worst little machine I had ever seen when it started alarming to warn us that my baby was in distress. The Dr. took me to L&D where I was stripped, gassed and cut open. The very last thing I remember was my baby moving one last time in me to say goodbye before she headed on up into the Lords arms. I awoke 4 hours later to the most excruciating pain and life shattering news that I was cut open, robbed of my soul and left scarred and empty armed. I have a scar now stretching 8 inches across my abdomen reminding me on a daily basis that I have an angel in heaven, just waiting for me to join her some day, thanks to the grace of the good Lord. I try daily to accept this scar as a reminder of Gods grace and promise that some day I will see my little angel Stella again.

~Age: 28
~Number of pregnancies and births: 3 pregnancies, 2 live births
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 12, 4, 6 months post partum from my angel baby’s birth

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21 Responses to “C(section) You in Heaven, My Dear (Krystal)”

  1. Jill Says:
    May 18th, 2011 at 9:36 am

    She is SO beautiful & perfect! This is so sad. I’m truly very sorry for your loss. This entry was very beautifully written. Your scar should serve as a reminder that the doctors tried very hard to save your daughter, and for that you should feel grateful. Your body looks amazing, scar and all :)

  2. shannon Says:
    May 18th, 2011 at 9:49 am

    I am so sorry about your baby girl, she looks beautiful. My son passed away 3 years ago, he was 19 months old. You are so right, your baby is in Heaven, as is mine. You ook lovely, and what a blessing to have that mark from your beautiful baby girl.

  3. amber Says:
    May 18th, 2011 at 10:13 am

    she is a beauty! im so sorry for your loss. your blog is amazing and shows true strength even in hard times.

  4. katie Says:
    May 18th, 2011 at 11:05 am

    I can not find the words to say right now. You have been through a devastating loss and my tears seem so meaningless to the pain you must feel. I wish I could comfort you or find a way to make you smile but only time and God’s grace can do those things for you. I come to this site feeling sorry for myself about my stretchmarks and saggy breasts and then occasionally I read a post like this that slaps me in the face. My worrys and self loathing are so selfish and minisule compared to the scheme of things. I thank you for helping me realize the preciousness of life and love and all things good and wonderful. I know that one day you and Stella will meet again and will be laughing and dancing amongst the stars.

    “An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby’s birth,
    Then whispered as she closed the book,
    too beautiful for earth”

  5. Colleen Says:
    May 18th, 2011 at 4:40 pm

    I’m so sorry sweetie. There are really no words to say to a mother who had to make the ultimate sacrifice.

    There is a link in the sidebar–> to cesareanscar.com. It is a wonderful place for any woman who has had an unexpected cesarean.

  6. Jenny W Says:
    May 18th, 2011 at 7:08 pm

    You and your baby are both very beautiful. I am sorry for your loss but you have such a lovely attitude.

  7. Tali Says:
    May 18th, 2011 at 7:27 pm

    I have to second Katie… Thank you for sharing this story with us.

  8. L Says:
    May 18th, 2011 at 10:55 pm

    Thank you for sharing. I cried im so sorry for your loss. She is beautiful as are you. Your little one is in the arms of the Lord. I also feel so stupid for complaining about my body because looks don’t truly matter the lives of our children do. Blessings to you as your family mourns the loss of your angel.. hugs…

  9. nico Says:
    May 19th, 2011 at 3:31 am

    I’m so sorry. She’s so lovely. Thank you for sharing your story so that your little girl could light up our lives too.

  10. Dee Says:
    May 19th, 2011 at 8:19 am

    Whenever I read posts about childloss it always chokes me up. I don’t know what I’d do if my little girl didn’t make it. Stella is precious. My heart goes out to you and your family.

    Posts like this help me and all the other women who haven’t experienced losing a baby how absolutely lucky we are. We complain about what pregnancy and child birth has done to our bodies, but we find comfort in knowing that we did it for the bundle of joy we get to take care of everyday, but you have to find that comfort without your daughter in your arms so I thank you for the strength to post this and reminds us all to be thankful for our battle scars.

    Also, I don’t have a cesarean scar, but I do have many other scars and that one honestly looks really great. It’s straight and thin and after it fades it won’t even be noticeable.

  11. Stephanie Paige Cole Says:
    May 20th, 2011 at 9:32 pm

    My heart breaks for you as I read this. I too have a cesarean scar, but that is not all that you and I have in common. I also have a daughter who was stillborn a fullterm. I am so sorry for all that you have been through and all that you have lost. Your daughter is absolutely beautiful, thank you for sharing her with us. I founded a nonprofit organization a few years back and we have a Sweet Pea Babies page on our website (www.sweetpeaproject.org) and I would be so very honored to include your Stella’s beautiful name if you would like. Email me anytime at Stephanie@sweetpeaproject.org.

  12. Bella Says:
    May 21st, 2011 at 12:23 pm

    My heart goes out to you and your family.

  13. kara s. Says:
    May 24th, 2011 at 7:16 am

    krystal-<3 to you. your sweet star is in heaven playing and waiting for you.
    HUGS mama.

  14. Mom Says:
    May 24th, 2011 at 7:58 am

    I love you my daughter. It is very difficult to feel your pain, but to see you grow in strength and wisdom as a young woman makes me very proud. Brianna & Eli will also grow to be strong through you. The strength and Gods Blessings for your family are alway’s in my prayers.

  15. Korin Says:
    May 24th, 2011 at 11:02 am

    Stella and you were blessed with the most beautiful family here on earth. Whom are all here to love and support you through this tough journey, even if we are all wearing our hearts on our sleeves. We love you for who you are, inside and out. I am always here and always will be here for you. I love you more than words can express!! <3 xoxo
    Korin
    Rest in Peace Dear Stella Grace

  16. Jennifer Says:
    May 24th, 2011 at 5:52 pm

    Stella is truly blessed to have such a beautiful family that loves her so dearly. She did not have to be known here on this earth to be truly loved. She is so dearly loved because she is a part of you Krystal & Matt. Thank you to all that have share your beautiful support & genuine kindness. I know our family will heal with love & time. <3 you so very much Krystal.

  17. Elizabeth Says:
    June 3rd, 2011 at 11:59 am

    I am so sorry.

  18. kacy Says:
    June 15th, 2011 at 9:09 pm

    I too had to have an emergency c-section when I was 24 weeks with my baby girl. She passed away when she was 7 days old. I look at my scar everyday and it reminds me of my Jadyn. I hate the scar, but at the same time I’m glad I have it to remind me of her everyday. It also reminds me of the things we go through as mothers for our children. We’ll do anything for our little ones..

  19. Susy Says:
    July 27th, 2011 at 1:20 pm

    I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss. I couldn’t imagine. I’ve had 2 losses but they weren’t full term. Still, burying a child is the worst feeling in the world. :(

  20. Red Pomegranate Says:
    September 25th, 2011 at 11:58 am

    My darling. I had two marvelous homebirths and then a C-section with *my* third. Ivy lived a bit longer than your sweet babe, but she died in my arms, fifty three minutes after she was born. I won’t go into my story, but know that I grieve with you. Much much love and compassion to you. And yes, I have had a much harder time accepting this scar than any stretch mark or weight gain. Again, love to you and yours.

  21. Pastor David RN Says:
    December 4th, 2011 at 1:39 am

    Dear heart, amid watching so many joyous births, I’ve had to care for moms during tragedies like yours. Beyond my own patients, I get called upon as a pastor to pray over or baptize these little ones who spent most of their short time on earth inside the loving hug of their mommy’s womb. I wrote a poem on my website on my L&D Tips page under “What if I have to say Good-bye?” It’s called “Baby’s Farewell,” and I hope it will bless you. God bless you!

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