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Closing in on D-Day (Anonymous)

December 1, 2010

Previous entries here and here.

Age: 23
Pregnancies/births: currently pregnant with first

Hello again. This is gonna be a long one… I’ve been checking this site nearly every day since I first found out I was pregnant. I thought it was great, especially since I had so many fears and hangups about what I would look like after I gave birth. Well, I’m nearly 36 weeks now, and I gotta say, I’m sick of being pregnant, and would be willing to put up with almost anything if it meant I’d never have to be pregnant again. I have yet to feel that warm, wholesome feeling I hear women talk about: how they are a vessel for life, the miracle of birth, etc. My mother-in-law goes on and on about how she looooooved being pregnant, and if she could, she’d always be pregnant. I hear that and it scares the crap out of me because I don’t know how anyone can enjoy this, and I’ve had a ridiculously easy pregnancy. At least I don’t resent my soon-to-be son for what his gestation is doing to me. I just want him to thank me by hurrying up and finishing baking.
If you read my other posts, you’ll know I had an eating disorder for many years. And just before my pregnancy I relapsed pretty hard and was making myself vomit about 14-21 times a week. I immediately stopped when I discovered I was pregnant (I admit to a few week moments, but I’ve been doing everything in my power to ensure my son is born strong and healthy). My issue with this– as anyone who has ever dieted knows– is that I thought I knew where to start my “Preggo-Pounds Watch.” I thought I should start counting as soon as I found out I was pregnant (155 lbs) but maybe I should have started counting when I started eating regularly again… Everyone knows when you go back to eating regularly after a diet that you gain it back and then some… So maybe I don’t know how much I’ve actually gained? I’m trying to make peace with that. I was 186 lbs this morning, but I honestly can’t figure out how I’ve gained that much. The last few weeks I haven’t had much of an appetite. So now I’m in this “should I even care?” limbo that is SO not like me.

At my last appointment I asked my doctor about my back pain. I wish it were sciatica so I could just feel that pleasant electrocution run down my leg. But no, it’s not. It’s a small area the size of a quarter that goes from 0-9 on the pain scale with no warning (it doesn’t get worse or better, it either hurts like hell or it doesn’t). Walking, getting out of bed, moving my foot from the gas to the brake, putting on socks, rolling over… anything that required my right leg to move would make that one little area stab me. Basically the doctor said, go to physical therapy or ride it out. Because apparently that’s my pelvis coming apart *sigh* And just for the sake of saying it: GROUP B STREP TEST SUCKS. I know you’re all thinking it, so don’t pretend like you’re not. I had the option of doing it myself, and that was bad enough…

My older sister was my pregnancy-due-date-buddy; but she started leaking amniotic fluid at 32 weeks. They kept her in the hospital until 35 weeks and she gave birth a few days ago. When I got the first pictures of my second nephew, I couldn’t believe it… he’s so small… I really feel like I couldn’t look away. One of these red, wrinkled creatures was going to be in my arms soon; going to come home with me. It was a weird feeling. My mom called me afterward, asked me if I was okay because I was *still* pregnant and my sister wasn’t, lol. I’m a little jealous she has an October baby.

All-in-all, I’m really doing my best to be “okay” with my weight gain. It’s not easy for someone like me. It’s like locking someone who’s claustraphobic in a closet for nine months. I asked my husband to hide the bathroom scale so I’d stop weighing myself five times a day– he didn’t hide it all that well, but now I only weigh myself every few days. I don’t know how I could have gotten this far without him helping me every step of the way. About once a week I freak out about my weight; I almost hyperventilated when I found my first stretch mark and it took him nearly 3 hours to calm me back down (I now have five small ones, all on the underside of my belly); he’s always telling me I’m beautiful and that he’s positive I’ll go back to my pre-baby body within a few weeks (my mom said she did this in 6 weeks without any exercise… so I’m kinda hoping those genetics were expressed in me).

Some people have told me why should I worry about my weight, I’m gonna have a whole lot more to worry about once my son arrives. I was pretty nervous at first, about being a mom, that is. But I’ve read a lot, accepted that no mom is perfect and that as long as I don’t try to be supermom, I’ll do a great job. I know I’ll have no trouble loving him, he’s a little piece of his father, and I love *him* more than anything. Even being a military wife and knowing my husband won’t be here to help me for some of it doesn’t worry me. I know I’m strong, and that me and my husband together are even stronger. So I’m not really worried about motherhood at all. It shouldn’t be too much longer now, though. Only 24 days, if I deliver right on my due date. Doc says Baby Aleksandr is in the heads-down position, that’s one step closer!! When I finally get my first real contraction, I might cry with joy. I have the entire Month Nine and Labor and Delivery chapters of What to Expect memorized right now.

So as for how I’m feeling as I write this…. I’m tired of not being able to see my feet. I’m tired of having that pain in my back. I’m tired of my bladder being abused. I’m tired of my ribs getting kicked. I’m tired of sleeping away half the day. I’m tired of grunting when I roll over or try to get out of bed. I’m tired of that tight, I’m-gonna-pop-feeling taking up my entire torso. I can’t wait to be able to run again. I can’t wait to be able to touch my toes without holding my breath. I can’t wait to have a body that moves normally again. And the strange thing is, when I focus on all those things— being able to run, not having a watermelon bouncing on my pelvis, touching my toes, and yes to make freaky love to my husband— I don’t even care about how my body looks. If I never lose all my baby weight, if my skin remains stretched out and my belly button gets that live-in look… I’ll still get to own my body again and be able to physically do all the things that are so hard/difficult/impossible to do right now. Even with flab and stretch marks weighign me down, I think I’ll feel lighter than air….

First pic: 29 weeks
Second pic: 31 weeks (at my baby shower)
Third pic: 34 weeks
Fourth pic: 35 weeks
Fifth & sixth pic: 36.5 weeks

Updated here.

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8 Responses to “Closing in on D-Day (Anonymous)”

  1. Olivia Says:
    December 1st, 2010 at 8:19 am

    I think you look gorgeous, when I was 36.5 I was the size of the house! The end of pregnancy is super hard, even when you enjoy being pregnant. Just keep on going, you will be at the finish line before you know it!

  2. Shannon Says:
    December 1st, 2010 at 12:16 pm

    I had the same back pain with both pregnancies…I had to crawl sometimes because it was so painful. You are tiny…you do not look 36 weeks. I am so happy you stopped purging once you got pregnant!!! You have no stretch marks…I wish you would enjoy this, you look ADORABLE pregnant :) Enjoy the feeling of him inside you…I miss the kicks I used to feel. Also, don’t be jealous of your sister…you have no idea how scary it is to have a baby in the NICU…I am sure she wishes she would have had the baby at her due date…

  3. Sarah Says:
    December 1st, 2010 at 1:54 pm

    wow! You look so great, I hated the end of pregnancy too ( had my baby boy at 36w6d) but I was massive, and I miss it sometimes now… you have a lovely bump, it might feel horrible now but its all worth it when you see that sweet face for the first time!

  4. Susy Says:
    December 1st, 2010 at 9:14 pm

    You must have strong core muscles. My abs separated, I think around 32 weeks because that’s when I suddenly got huge, and I just looked gigantic. You look like my SIL. She had a flat belly at 20 weeks.

  5. Kat Says:
    December 2nd, 2010 at 9:29 am

    I know you want it to be over. We all feel that way in the last month. My pelvis separated as well, and there is no way to describe the pain! Ugh! But the full term baby is way worth it! My 3rd (the one who separated my pelvis) was over 9 pounds at birth. Just hang in there! When your little one is born, pregnancy will be a fond memory and you will miss it. Your belly is adorable and so are you! Congrats and god bless! I hope you have a smooth and amazing birth!

  6. Kate Says:
    December 3rd, 2010 at 8:45 am

    You look very fit and healthy, you are very brave to gain weight even though its terrifying for you. You are already a great mama, warm and fuzzy feeling or not. I dont want to be a downer or anything, but I would suggest you get a plan in place ,with your doctor or therapist for the post partum period because the way your body looks after i found to be very devastating even though people say i look great. I too was thin during my pregnancy so i thought it wouldnt be so bad but i dont know if i will ever like or even not hate the way i look again. I imagine that will be even harder on you with your body image issues. Good luck, remember you are doing what you were born to do

  7. Apryl Says:
    December 4th, 2010 at 7:35 pm

    At this point it is easy to forget the wonderful feeling. But you will miss it when he is born.

  8. L Says:
    February 11th, 2011 at 11:23 pm

    You look great. What your describing about constant weight struggles is what I deal with now pp 2.5 yrs with my youngest. I have two and believe me one day you will miss all the things that bother you about being preggers. It may seem like forever but 9 months is such a short amount of time in your life. I was the opposite I felt so free while pregnant yes i did gain more weight then recomended but my husband made me feel like the most beautiful pregnant lady in the world. Best wishes with your son. Mine will be 5 soon and I miss the very moment of meeting him..

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