First off I want to say that I am overjoyed that I found this website, it has already helped me to start the healing process.
Secondly, please forgive me as I have a lot to say and this post may be all over the place, hopefully at the end I can tie it all together.
I have had issues with body image since I was an adolescent. I was the chunky one for some time, but things came to a head in my late teens early twenties. I have been an over-exerciser (worked out for four hours straight once and passed out from dehydration and exhaustion) serial dieter and pill popper and at the age of 21 I FINALLY got to under 130 lbs and was a size two, WOOHOOO!!! That did not last very long because what I had to do to get there was everything but natural and healthy, and eventually the pounds came back on. I am 5 feet two-three inches (depending on the day) and I currently weigh 172 lbs. I began purging in my late teens, I can no longer remember how I got started but I have been battling it ever since. Through much introspection I have labeled the ED my crutch. Sometimes I can go months without it, but I always know that it is in the closet ready for me to pull out whenever I feel I need it and lately I have needed it every day. I have three beautiful girls, a three year old and twin 3 month olds. With my first I went through post partum which I battled on my own and eventually came out of. I don’t think I am dealing with post partum this time around but I am battling that old demon of mine, horrible body image.
I know all the reasons why this disease is not healthy and why I should stop. I know it doesn’t actually help me lose weight but on the contrary can add weight but that hasn’t stopped me. The reason is I don’t think I am ready to give up my crutch. I am EBFing my twins and plan to do so for a while, however I know I am damaging myself with my purging and possibly affecting my milk. I don’t want my girls to ever deal with what I am going through and I want to be healthy for them if not myself. Im not sure if it is the stress that triggered my ED but it has come back with a vengeance. Since I am nursing I am not able to get away much so I eat as my version of downtime, I eat to distract myself, I eat because I am bored, I just eat. And what’s funny (or not) is that I often don’t even enjoy it. I don’t know what to do. But I have been working out and TRYING to eat right and the scale mocks me, I see this stomach with this butt looking pooch in front and it pisses me off and makes me sad. I have no waist to speak off (always had this problem now its ten times worse) and I can’t fit any of my clothes and I…..
I’m sorry, I know I am rambling. I will stop here and hope that what I wrote made some type of since. I have so much more to share but maybe this is not the outlet for it. I just want to love myself as much as I love my children!!!
~Your Age: 31
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2 pregnancies, 3 children
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 3 months pp
Pic in red dress is me about 11 months pp with my first. Pic of my 3 month old twins. Pic of my three girls.