# of pregnancies: 2
# of births: 2
Children’s ages: 21 months and 2 months
First off, I think I may be having symptoms of part partum depression, but I’m not sure. I know I should talk to my doctor, but I don’t want to be put on medication. My issues don’t affect my daughters, since I still take care of them just fine, but I find myself sitting around crying all the time because of the way I look now.
I’ve never been a vain person, but I was always made fun of in middle and high school because of being so pale and I wasn’t one of the “rich” kids (we lived in a wealthy neighborhood because my dad built our house, not because they bought it, so I went to a wealthy middle and high school) and well, I’m not sure why else other than that kids are just cruel. I’ve been SO upset about my body since my first pregnancy. I tried so SO hard not to get stretch marks with the first one and managed to stay that way…until the last week. I got preeclampsia with my first daughter so I had to be induced. The induction wasn’t working and they were already predicting her to be a large baby, so it was suggested that I get a C-section. I wasn’t thrilled about ANY of it since I wanted to do things all natural. Let’s just say that everything I PLANNED didn’t happen.
I was beyond thrilled when I saw my daughter for the first time and I loved her immediately, but one look at my body and I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. She didn’t want to breastfeed, no matter WHAT I tried, so I didn’t have that venue to lose weight and since I’d had a C-section, I couldn’t do anything for weeks. I tried Pilates, but I don’t have the money to take real classes so the church class I was taking just confused me and left me worse for the wear than before.
I got pregnant again when my first daughter was 10 months old, so that put an end to any form of weight loss. During both pregnancies, I didn’t gain a ton of weight, but I’ve never been a “small” person as it is. I’ve been what I would consider average, but with some extra fat on my hips and thighs (closer to a pear shape). Now – I’m like a deformed apple – it seems like all kinds of extra fat migrated to my midsection during both pregnancies and then you throw in the saggy skin and it’s a recipe for gross.
My partner and I aren’t married (for financial reasons more than anything), but we’ve been together for going on 7 years. Before I got pregnant he never told me things like how beautiful I am, etc. but it didn’t bother me because I didn’t look the way I do now – ruined. If he would have left, I could have started over with someone else no worse for wear. Now, if he left, he walks away looking no different, but what man would want someone who looks like I do because of some other guy??? I feel SO disgusting and all I do is cry, but he just walks off and doesn’t talk or anything until I stop. It’s like ignoring my feelings will make them go away for him. To make things worse, he’s got a complete porn obsession that he doesn’t even hide. How can I compete with the girls in those??? People say that men’s attraction to porn has nothing to do with their attraction or feelings towards their significant other, but I disagree because what’s the point in looking at that stuff unless it’s something they LIKE?? It’s already hard enough since I feel so crappy about myself from being so pale and having unperfect teeth and having extra fat as it is.
People tell me “Well work out and it should tighten to skin” but any exercise I HAD done only made a tiny dent on it and now since I’ve had another daughter, the stretch marks and saggy skin are way worse. I don’t have the money or time to go to a gym and I don’t have the money to buy any at-home exercise stuff. Honestly, I barely have time to do anything because I take care of an almost 2 year old and 2 month old on top of going to school ¾ time online for biotechnology (so it’s not an easy degree program). I could change majors, but then I would just drop out because I’m not going to waste my time getting a degree in something that I don’t really want to do.
You’ll be able to see in the pictures how my belly sticks out more than my boobs now – and I’m a full D size, so that’s saying something.
I just wanted to get all this off my chest and see if anyone else has been in a similar situation with their body and their significant other being an emotional and mental anemic towards them.
Thanks for any suggestions.