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B/G Twins, 4 1/2 Months Postpartum (Anonymous)

January 18, 2012

2 pregnancies
2 c-sections
3 kids
2 1/2 yr old girl
4 1/2 month B/G twins
My age: 30

I am 30 years old. I had my first daughter at age 27. She was 8 1/2 lbs, born by c-section due to my hips being narrow and the risk of her getting stuck. I chose the csection. She was the light of my life and in the first few months I couldnt bear to be apart from her longer than 20 minutes or I felt panicky. I hated my body. I hated the flab. My breasts looked decent still, but that was it. I gained 55 lbs and it took a year to lose it all, but my belly was still flabby. Shortly after she turned 2, we started trying for another baby. I was having bleeding for 23 days every month due to low progesterone. We fixed that problem and 9 long months later (i was nervous it would never happen), we got pregnant with twins. This was what I always wanted. Lots of kids, close together and B/G twins! I was ecstatic. I had them at 37 wks, 2 days by c-section due to my boy’s cord presenting and I was 1 cm dilated, they didn’t want to risk me going into labor. The twins were born 6 lbs 14 oz, 20 in and 6 lbs 13 oz, 19 3/4 in. Healthy. No NICU. Came home with me. I gained 65 lbs. I’ve lost 47 lbs now. I’m hideous. Im just 5’1″. And I still get asked if I’m pregnant multiple times a day, regardless of if I have the three kids with me! I have diastasis recti. Can’t do ab work. I’m helpless and in the prison of this body. Friends say, “ur amazing! U manage all 3 kids and u had 3 big, healthy babies! U carried twins to term!” Yada yada yada. Well I didn’t do that. God did. It’s all biological. It just happened. I didn’t do anything. I have 2 daughters and I desperately do not want them to feel like I feel. I want them to love their bodies. The pressure of setting this example is hard. I can’t get past it. I get nauseous when I think about getting dressed. I avoid social situations requiring me to wear more than a sweatsuit. I can’t stand my reflection. My husband says he thinks I’m hot, but in my mind, he has to brainwash himself to think that because he is married to me. Stuck with me. That fat frump with nasty frizzy hair, saggy boobs, and a permanently pregnant belly. I have to wear a belly band with sweatpants to even look decent enough to leave the house. I just can’t get past this. It is ruining my life. How can therapy make me like my reflection? It can’t. I feel helpless. Like a prisoner. And I hate I feel like this. I have thought about what would happen if I used scissors to cut my belly off. I should break my finger to punish me for being fat. I know these are crazy thoughts which is why i would never act on them, but that doesn’t stop them from entering my head. I’ve never thought about hurting my children or anything. They are the only thing that brings me happiness. Without them, I’m pointless. I’m not me. I dont know who I am…but I hate the person in the mirror. The preg pix r 2 wks b/f twins were born

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17 Responses to “B/G Twins, 4 1/2 Months Postpartum (Anonymous)”

  1. Stacy Says:
    January 18th, 2012 at 11:04 am

    Give yourself time to heal mama!

  2. Sarah Says:
    January 18th, 2012 at 11:53 am

    Anonymous! Hang in there! I’ve been there, and I know it hurts- but you’ve got to cut yourself a break! Give yourself a chance to heal, and try to redirect your energy towards taking care of your body! Take walks, see a physical therapist about the diastasis recti (it helps! and may be covered by insurance) and keep being good to yourself. I’m 8 months out and my body is still changing every day (for the better).

  3. Catherine S Says:
    January 18th, 2012 at 12:06 pm

    Honestly, I think you look pretty great for having just had triplets a few months ago. Is it possible that you have a diastasis recti, a separation of your abdominal muscles? There is an exercise technique called Tupplers that is designed to help close the separation. I have not personally used the technique (but really should) but I have a friend with triplets that had great success with it. I believe there are some videos on Utube about it if you are interested.

  4. angels mom Says:
    January 18th, 2012 at 7:00 pm

    I think u look great u just had twins if your body is bothering ypu go for walks do light weight liftong cut back on the flour. and sugar and you will see a difference and feel better

  5. Victoria Says:
    January 18th, 2012 at 9:24 pm

    My sister had a baby boy and a year and ten monthes later she had twin daughter. A few months later she still had a pretty big belly, mostly skin, but a year and a half later it was teo times smaler, and now, 4.5 years later she has a very small amount of extra skin on her belly. she lost all the weight she gained and this “pocket” is the only thing that’s left, she hates it too, but to me, it looks normal, I wouldn’t even notice it like I’m sure other people don’t. And when she is dressed she looks toned and beautiful. Give yourself a little time, trust me, your belly WILL look better!!!! all the best to you and your family!!!

  6. Sarah Says:
    January 18th, 2012 at 11:45 pm

    My mom’s belly looks exactly like this (she carried four kids to term and had C-sections with a vertical incision every time). I remember friends in junior high asking if she was pregnant, even though she’d had her last child five or six years before. I know she doesn’t have a good body image either.

    Honestly, as her daughter it helped MY body image to see her walk around without a shirt on. It also helped to witness her sense of humor; to this day she refers to her stomach as her “belly butt.” I still regard my mom as beautiful.

    I don’t know whether this helps any, but you can be a positive role model for your girls no matter what your body looks like. Wishing you recovery and peace.

  7. Stephanie Says:
    January 19th, 2012 at 11:49 am

    Looks fabulous. You look fabulous. You don’t look fat to me( well, I’m 5’0 and 170, so not skinny either). It took me forever to lose the last 20 pounds from my second….one thing that helped me was buying clothes that fit. Jeans from Goodwill for $5-7, that kind of thing. Something cheap, b/c I did NOT plan on staying that size. If you can find some things that you feel good in, maybe that will help?

  8. mrspetunia Says:
    January 19th, 2012 at 4:53 pm

    I have a friend at work who had diastasis recti. She wasn’t able to bring the muscles together on her own so her insurance covered surgery for muscle repair. Perhaps if you’re unable to mend the muscles through exercise you could look into surgery? She also told me that while she was in surgery she just had them go ahead and remove some of the loose skin-I don’t think that there was any charge to her. Regardless of what you do, you already look beautiful. You are thin and young and lovely. I too wish you recovery and peace.

  9. Jo Says:
    January 21st, 2012 at 5:18 am

    You are extremely hard on yourself. So little time has passed since you gave birth and c-section is hard to recover from (I’ve had 2 also). Please give yourself a break. Give yourself 2 years to ‘feel more like yourself’. Enjoy your blessings, they grow up quickly and in time your tummy will be the very last thing on your mind. I think you see something very different to what I’m seeing.

  10. Kim Says:
    January 22nd, 2012 at 7:53 am

    Mama, have you talked to your doctor about PPD? It sounds to me like your having a really hard time. Even if its not PPD, talking to someone about it can help.

    And you can say it’s all biological, but you provided your babies with safety and nourishment so they could be born big and healthy. You’ve done a good job for your family. Now its time to take care of you.

  11. alsoamomma Says:
    January 25th, 2012 at 12:46 pm

    I totally understand-after the birth of my baby-i felt like this-for a long long time! c section too! I hated getting dressed and leaving the house-it Took me more than a year to lose the weight. we are now trying for #2- but i still have that fat tummy mother’s apron thing. Are you nursing-that got me a bit down too because of how my breasts looked and how the rest of me looked-and how just didn’t feel or look like me. it was all about the baby. She also only started sleeping well-without rocking her to sleep when she turned 16 months. So I didn’t have any rest and was home fulltime-as i was unemployed. I deff was down but in love with the baby all the same. I had to come to terms with the life change and body change. I missed being me and dressing up and feeling pretty. Give yourself a little time!!! Once I stopped nursing and started working out -for like just 20 minutes a few days a week-i felt better & eventually looked a little better!

    Maybe you won’t look ‘perfect’ or the same again but maybe that’s ok. once you can work out-or even do a little excersise like walking-It will realease happy harmones-and also help you feel like you are doing something for you. This was my life line! Even though I am so not a workout person! And by the way you already lost a lot of weight in a short period of time. Try talking to yourself differently-avoid mirrors for a while-and do something to treat yourself-like a manicure or something.

  12. Jessica Says:
    February 16th, 2012 at 11:40 pm

    Hang in there…twins is really tough on the belly. I have no idea how these celebrities do it! My belly was exactly the same(we are built the same)at 5 months and I was very frustrated that it was not getting better. Around a year (when I started getting good sleep!)things really turned around. I actually had energy to do something for myself. I started yoga and pilates, not to lose weight, but to center myself.

    My best advice…get a binder! It made a huge difference with the diastasis and google “Tupler technique”. The little flap over the Csection scar is pretty much gone now.

    My babies are 3 1/2, and although my belly button will never be the same, I’m happy in my wrinkly twin skin and confident enough to bellydance for other people again ;)

  13. Laura Says:
    February 26th, 2012 at 5:25 am

    I have 18 month old twin girls and you look way better than I did at 5 months post partum. My abs had a pretty big separation and I had to see a Physio for about 6 months. DONT do sit ups or crunches, start by pulling your belly button in towards your spine and just hold it like that for as long as you can. Progress on to the plank, first on your knees and then your toes. Do it every day. I put on 7 stones with my daughters and felt like I would never look normal again. I have only a teeny separation in my abs now and a small bit of loose skin but honestly it WILL get better. Btw do check with your doc about post natal depression, I had it bad after the girls and needed medication. It’s common with twins. Lastly you don’t look bad, I swear. Good luck xx

  14. Melissa Says:
    April 25th, 2012 at 11:36 am

    Hi, i have twins too…they are just about 4 months too.
    my belly looks a lot like yours. thanks for being brave and posting your photos. i am feeling better about myself now, knowing i’m not alone.

  15. bee Says:
    June 21st, 2012 at 5:05 am

    Don’t be so hard on yourself! It’s been only a few months! I’m a mom of 3 – a boy, and 3 years later twin girls. 2 C-sections. It takes a lot of time to recover from a twin pregnancy, and from a C-section. Also, I remember my state of mind when my twin girls were 4-6 months – all I could see was pitch-black: having a hard time juggling & struggling with not having enough time & hands to handle all the things that needed handling, sleep-deprived and hating myself, my body, my lack of patience, and practically the whole world – that age with twins can really be hard.
    When people tell it will pass, you think they’re BSing you. But it will pass. The babies will grow and you’ll have more time to enjoy them, more time & willingness to work on yourself. it will come, just as the time of perpetual feeding, diapering, bathing and putting to sleep will pass…just givr it time

  16. Niki Says:
    November 18th, 2013 at 1:59 pm

    Hey hun, it breaks my heart to read your story. I was in nearly exactly the same position as you. I am 33 and just on 5 foot tall, when I was 28 I had my beautiful son born naturally at about 8 pound. 2 years later I had twin girls, born ‘full term at 37+4′ by c-section, weighing in at nearly 7 pounds each. I was so big I would sit in the shower on a chair every night crying because I felt as though the skin on my pregnant belly would split open. It was so painful and uncomfortable. After they were born the only way that I felt comfortable was when I was wearing the physio band under my clothes. People would ask me if I was pregnant all the time even when I was walking down the street pushing 3 months old twins in a pram. It was very hard for me as I am someone who always use to take pride in my physical appearance. I know that your post was made nearly 2 years ago and I hope that since then you have made some peace with your body. I have recently started going to the gym (it has taken me until my girls have turned 3 to do this) and it is the best thing that I have done. My body is far from perfect but it is improving every day. I just want you to know that you don’t have to be a prisoner in your body. Even if you cant get to the gym until your twins are in school there is still light at the end of the tunnel. You will get there eventually, in the mean time try and take a tiny bit of the immense amount of love that you have for your children and give it back to yourself. You deserve it xox

  17. Crystal Says:
    December 2nd, 2013 at 5:08 pm

    This is completely how I’m feeling and I look the same 9 months post pregnancy. This past February I delivered my b/g twins at 36 wks. One 7 lbs and the other 6 lbs 3 oz. Money is tight since I’m not working and I’m just at a loss. Nothing fits and I look 3 months (with twins) pregnant. You took the words out of my mouth. I was wondering how things were going essentially a year out from where I am. Any suggestions or wisdom you have from this last year would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone.

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