Pregnancies: 1 abortion
Births: 1 beautiful boy
Postpartum: 22 months
Growing up, I was always a tiny build. People always assumed I had an eating disorder because I was so little but I guess I was just lucky, I could eat anything I wanted and my body couldn’t seem to store it. When I was 18, I was in a serious relationship with a guy who at the time I thought was wonderful. We moved in together and shortly afterwards I found out I was pregnant. He didn’t want to be a father and I was young and scared and ended up letting him talk me into having an abortion. I ended up pretty depressed afterwards and I ended up putting on about 20kg. I broke up with him when I was 20 and felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I lost about 12kg and for the first time in my life I actually liked my body. I had nice curves, I finally had decent boobs!
Then in April 2008 I had a brief fling with someone I fell head over heels for and that resulted in pregnancy. I had made my mind up that I would continue the pregnancy because there was no way I was putting myself through another abortion. After speaking to the father and spending about 2 weeks crying my eyes out while he begged and pleaded with me to terminate, I told him my decision isn’t going to change so deal with it. He didn’t like the decision and to this day he still has had nothing to do with me or my son. I spent the first half of my pregnancy with my head in the toilet bowl (whoever called it ‘morning sickness’ was clearly wrong because I had it 24/7!!). As a result of not being able to eat or drink anything without it coming back up, I ended up losing about 5-6kg. By the end of my pregnancy, I had put that weight back on, plus an extra 13kg! I loved my pregnant body, I was pretty lucky that my growing belly seemed to be the only weight I put on.
Christmas eve 2008 started with me going into labour. 13 hours of me walking around and around and around (I wasn’t dilating quick enough) and the doctors were able to break my waters. 5 hours later my beautiful son arrived into the world just after midnight on christmas morning weighing a nice 6lb 13oz.
Within a few months I somehow got back to my pre-pregnancy weight. But then postnatal depression reared its ugly head and I’ve now put about 10kg on and i completely hate the way I look. My legs feel like tree trunks, my belly wobbles, my boobs sag, I now have love handles.. I can’t stand the way I look. Everyone tells me I look fine the way I am but they don’t see whats under the clothes. They don’t see what I see in the mirror. My self confidence is completely shattered by how I see myself, not to mention that I am a single mum and no guy is ever going to want to take me on when I have a child. I already know that no one will want me, as soon as a man hears I’m a mother they run a mile.