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Apparently Delusional (Megan)

November 8, 2011

I am a 28 year old mother of two. I had my second daughter a year ago and my other daughter is 7 years old. I feel so horrible about myself and my body. I am 5’6″ and supposed to be 150 pounds and a size 4-6. I’m still a size 9/10 about 175 pounds and I am gross. Absolutely gross. My body bounced back relatively quickly after I had my first daughter. Plus I was smoking and working full-time in fast food. I’ve been a stay at home mom now pretty much for the past six months and before that I was in school. I have lost about 50 pounds since I had my 2nd but its just not acceptable. My legs and stomach are flabby and gross. My breasts are saggy and nasty. My face even looks different. I look older.

My husband looks about 23 years old with his damn baby face. He used to be a little overweight but since his new job hes back to looking studly again. I feel like a nasty old fat cougar with him. As if people at the store look at us and say, “look at that good looking guy with those beautiful children. What is he doing with that ugly fat girl?” It is devastating and maddening. People think nasty things like that. its the hard core truth about this stupid world.

Today I just told him in a text that I don’t want to have sex anymore. I am too embarrassed. Why should I put him in a situation where he has to pretend to think someones attractive. He apparently doesn’t look at porn anymore but he FINALLY realized that it hurt my feelings because of my own body image. But ya know who am I to deny a man’s rights of looking at something beautiful and sexy while I am such an ugly disgusting fat pig? I don’t think he would cheat on me but I wouldn’t blame him if he wanted too. I mean REALLY who wants this. Poor guy,he must feel so guilty for having to lie when he tells me I’m beautiful and all he wants is me. I’m too depressed to excersise. I walk a lot and people say I am looking really good. But I know they are just lying to make me feel better and because they don’t want me to starve myself like I had in the past. I love my children but I hate my life and who I am. And I feel so bad for my husband and all the people in the world who are subjected to looking at me.

The pic in the dark blue dress is new and the body pics are as well. the one of me and my husband dancing are from when I was thin and sexy.

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23 Responses to “Apparently Delusional (Megan)”

  1. michelle Says:
    November 8th, 2011 at 8:21 am

    I doubt that you will believe me when I say this, since you don’t believe your husband or others in your life, but your body is beautiful. You are not gross..Changed and different does not equate gross. Could it be that your husband loves you unconditionally and still does find you sexy and beautiful? I am 5’1″ and weigh 180 pounds.. I am six months post partum with my second child, my oldest is 4. I have tons of extra skin, my stomach is zebra striped with stretch marks. I have the csection pooch, but, my husband still tells me all the time how sexy I am and you know what, I bellieve him. It’s taken me a long time to believe it, but I do now. Give your husband more credit. Not all men are shallow pigs and the fact.that he has stopped watching porn, because of concern for your feelings says a lot about him… You said you had starved.yourself in the past, body dismorphic disorder is a huge part of anorexia… Have you considered speaking with someone? Please mama, try to love yourself… You are beautiful…

  2. R. Says:
    November 8th, 2011 at 8:37 am

    This post actually makes me a little angry…it is not okay to speak that way to another person and it is NOT okay to speak that way to yourself. You are not any of those horrible names you call yourself and beyond the anger I feel at hearing them, I am also heartbroken for you that you can’t see how lovely you actually are.

    Guard your heart against whatever out there is causing you to believe any of those things, and remember that your love for yourself – or your self-hatred – is your legacy to your daughters. They have a beautiful mother, but they will never learn to see beauty in themselves if you don’t model it for them.

  3. nati Says:
    November 8th, 2011 at 10:19 am

    You shouldn’t put yourself down like that.

  4. Catherine S Says:
    November 8th, 2011 at 12:19 pm

    Have you considered that you might have some Postpartum depression? Your entire post is filled with self loathing and sadness. It might be worrying looking into talking to someone.

    Also wanted to point out that losing 50 lbs is amazing. What an accomplishment and you did it without cigarettes, which will kill you!

  5. Melissa Says:
    November 8th, 2011 at 12:50 pm

    Hey Mama, I was in your similar position about 6 months ago. You are not gross, disgusting or any of those negative things you said about yourself in your post. I see a beautiful mother who is being far to hard on herself. I’m at 5’6 and about 200 lbs tight now. I’m 12 months PP with a c-section pooch and let me tell you I had a really hard time accepting my body since I was 175 before I was pregnant and looked okay. (I was in the process of getting the holiday weight off when I ended up pregnant. I was typically 165) and ended up at 235 pre delivery. I too have extra skin stretch marks, but I look at my daughter and it doesn’t really matter. I’ve managed to lose 35 lbs in one year, and plan on losing another 35 by the time she’s two. It takes time. Love yourself mama, you husband definitely does.

    You sound like you may be experiencing a moderate-severe case of Post Partum Depression. I had a pretty bad case too up until a few months ago and I wish someone had told me to go talk to a doctor.

  6. Candi Says:
    November 8th, 2011 at 2:39 pm

    Believe it or not, you and I think a lot a like about how we look now. I’m very negative towards my new body and seeing it written out by someone else brought me to tears. I’m glad I’m not alone in how I think about myself and what I think my boyfriend thinks of me but the negativity is really sad. I hope you can find beauty in yourself again.

  7. mrspetunia Says:
    November 8th, 2011 at 3:12 pm

    The things you say to yourself are just horrible and cruel. You must feel so awful having to listen to those messages all day (and I know you just can’t turn off that nasty voice in your head). BUT, you are not ugly, gross, disgusting or any of those things. You are a beautiful human being, truly.
    One thing that you are right about is that some other people in the world can be judgmental and petty. I know you’be heard this before but you don’t want to live for what those people think. The confusing thing for me was that even people who seemed nice and decent could act bitchy or mean. So, I thought I must be the problem. I figured that if someone who seemed sorta nice found me to be boring, ugly, stupid whatever….then I must be. But that is just not true either. It’s a daily struggle but I think you are on your way to discovering your worth. You might want to talk to someone to help speed the process up. YOU DESERVE IT! You should not have to live in this prison.

  8. axi Says:
    November 8th, 2011 at 3:39 pm

    Wow, you are so filled with self hate. I hope you can look at this and see that the only person who is looking at you with disgust is YOU. Have you considered counseling? I am not saying that to be mean, I truly hope that you can find peace with yourself.

    Also, I think that you are pushing your husband away because you fear his rejection, but if you are constantly rejecting him out of fear and not letting him be close to you, he can’t keep a relationship alive by himself no matter how much he loves you.

  9. Sarah Says:
    November 8th, 2011 at 4:41 pm

    Your post is quite upsetting and even made me angry. I am sad to read that you think and believe such false things about yourself. Find the beauty in each moment, in your children, in the small things. Seek counseling if you continue to struggle with self-image. Ignore society’s opinions and seek truth. The female body is a beautiful and amazing piece of art that in return creates beautiful art. Motherhood is a blessing and something you will have and can cherish forever and rest in knowing your body did that for you.

  10. Anonymous Says:
    November 9th, 2011 at 9:04 am

    First off, I want to tell you that you are beautiful! Do you see your curvy breasts in the navy dress! HOT! Also, if you have been feeling this way for a long time I think it would help you to seek counseling. There could be underlying depression that is coming through as self hatred (happened to me!). Secondly,your husband is not lying to you when he tells you he thinks your beautiful! Afterall, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, right? Just because you don’t see it (even though you ARE!) doesn’t mean that he doesn’t! I agree with Axi in saying not to push your husband away. You NEED that closeness in your marriage, and he will want that with you. If you are never close to him he will start to feel rejected. Sometimes being rejected, even for valid reasons, will cause them to feel that they are inadequate or that there is something wrong with them. Even if you don’t like your body, make love because you love your HUSBAND! Just take each day one step at a time. Remember, changes don’t happen overnight, it takes some time, and a little patience. Focus on the things you do find beautiful about yourself. You have a beautiful face, give yourself a little at home facial! Maybe you love your hands, or your toes? Get a mani/pedi, or paint your finger/toenails!

  11. SJM Says:
    November 10th, 2011 at 12:19 pm

    The only thing ugly about this post is the way you talk about yourself. please get some help for the sake of your sanity. you dont have to beat yourself up day after day. life can be better than this. i speak from experience. all the material things honestly dont matter. youre a beautiful person. God made you this way. reading this honestly breaks my heart for you.

  12. megan Says:
    November 14th, 2011 at 10:15 am

    i don’t understand why someone would be angry at a person for just being HONEST. That is honestly how I felt about myself on that particular day. I’m loosing more and more weight from walking and now I am working a physically demanding job so that definitely makes me in better spirits and will help me maintain my body image. I do suffer from a psychiatric illness and injury and i seek therapy and i am on medicaitons but that does not FIX everything. I thought I would receive support on here from others who feel similar at times and its obvious there are some people who do feel that way. and This post is for y’all *cheers* :)

    I’m just a person being honest about my emotions in a very dark day. Its kind of offensive having people tell me that I am “mentally ill” when there are TONS of women out there in this world who feel horrible about themselves bc of the way women are portrayed in our society and the false expectations that so many men and women have over the way that we are expected to look. I’m letting out how I feel. Thats actually mentally HEALTHY. Reaching out to others is a healthy thing to do.

    I happen to known and older couple who are going through some severe martial problems. This is an example of how a womans fears can come to reality. This couple has been relatively happily married for 36 years. They were both very overweight. They have 3 beautiful children. the wife is retired and the husband is near retirement. The husband recently cheated on the wife with some skinny blonde woman . he has consistantly looked at pornography but the wife disregarded it even thought it made her uncomfortable. The husband cheated for 2 years. when the “other woman’ wanted to break of the affair he dropped TONS of weight in a short period of time and now EXPECTS his wife to loose all her weight so she can “be in a bikini” again. HE wants her to look like those porn stars and behave like those porn stars in the bedroom. And this all happened suddenly for years they were both fat and happy and had let themselves go looks wise. The women is now tortured with thoughts of being ugly and given completely unrealistic exepectations from her husband to attain a physical appearance that is almost damn near impossible for her to attain. Its devastating to watch this occur and for her leaving is not an option in her mind.

    Well…hell…I’ll be DAMNED if that crap will ever happens to me. That is a sick reality of something that actually happens in this world because of the unrealistic expectations that are portrayed over how women should look and behave. This happens. people do look at overweight people and say nasty stuff. IT is not considered favorable by our society to be overweight. Does that make me mentally ill for being able to observe how the world works and what the current standards of society are?
    I could really give a damn what anyone else looks like. PEople are people and whatever makes them happy but it frankly makes ME happy to be thin. IT makes me miserable to not be thin. IT was also making me miserable to be unemployed which contributes to the symptoms of my mental illness. Rather than sit home and hate myself alone I felt like sharing……Sorry I pissed a bunch of ppl off.

  13. Bonnie (SOAM) Says:
    November 14th, 2011 at 11:30 am

    Megan, I think the anger is FOR you, not AT you. Angry that there are circumstances that could lead such a truly beautiful woman to see herself as you do. No one is angry AT you for how you feel, but they are wanting you to find a way to speak to yourself more kindly.

  14. Jacqueline Says:
    November 14th, 2011 at 7:09 pm

    Megan I understand how you feel.My business is being an online fitness coach with P90X,Insanity and other programs.My body is my work.I became pregnant with our 3rd child and was extremely,extremely unhappy about it.I hated the way I looked the whole pregnancy and oculdnt wait to get back what I had.My husband and I really havent had a sex life since I found out I was pregnant and I really feel like part of that was me because I didnt feel sexy,I gave off that “aroma” per say that I wasnt.I had our daughter on Saturday,Nov 12 and all Ive got left is 10 lbs to prepregnancy…and alot of work to tone back up ut Im ready!I completely understand what youre saying,COMPLETELY.Hell my daughter is 48 hours old and I came across this page by looking up postpartum bodies to compare myself to!!But know you CAN get back what you had.Youve bitched about it,now lets do it!Set you a small goal,then another.Please feel free to find me on facebook as well.
    http://www.facebook.com/jacqueline.ticklesmith

    I love to meet other people who is going through the same thing I am.Hang in there girl.

  15. Carrie Says:
    November 15th, 2011 at 6:13 am

    I agree with Bonnie. It’s not anger at you. Its for you. MOSTLY.

    It’s really hard to read such ugly words. If I were listening to someone say those things to someone, I’d need to fight the urge to walk up and smack them. Actually, I probably WOULD smack them.
    But in this case you arent just the victim of bullying, you’re the bully.
    I am exactly the same size and weight as you. C-section scar and all. 9 mos postpardem. I struggle with insecurity as well, and my husband is now on a health kick that has him 10 lbs heavier than me.
    Am i gross? Am i disgusting? If i am, do i deserve to be talked to like you talk to yourself? I dont think i do.

    So, yes, there is a small piece of anger at you. But not because you’ve offended your readers with your brutal honesty. Because you are hurting yourself with your own words.
    *smack*
    ;)

  16. Meghan Says:
    November 15th, 2011 at 5:57 pm

    I think she just needed to let all that out. She’s feeling better already :) Sometimes we just have to scream and tell it like it is without sugar coating. From one Meghan to another Megan- good job for having the bravery to say what your inner voice has been telling you. Now realize that you are going to get better and feel better about yourself!!!! And I suggest all moms checkout MissRepresentation.org to discover why men and women have been brainwashed to feel we have to be some fake ideal of beauty instead of reality.

  17. megan Says:
    November 17th, 2011 at 8:52 am

    Carrie: I would give anything sometimes to be a person who was happy with their body and who they are regardless of weight gain. I ENVY those people MORE than thin people. I wish more than anything I could turn off all the noise of the world and love myself regardless but that’s never going to happen.

    How am I a bully? I don’t think “bullying’ has anything to do with anything. I think i am a person who has some major issues with body image and that’s the long and short of it. There are plenty of people who think the crap that I do. I just said it. Society and the media bombards us with weigh loss ads on TV, perfectly shaped women EVERYWHERE, constant free access for our husbands to look at pornography, All this crap that would make MANY women feel like crap about themselves. Hell it baffles me that ALL women don’t hate themselves.

    For crying out loud, this is ridiculous. I see the younger generation being more and more superficial and shallow. It kills me seeing our daughters grow up in this crap. I don’t say these feelings I have about myself around my kids, hence why I am saying it on here.

    And I am pissed. I walked my ass off all summer and I can fit into all these damn clothes that were too small for me 6 months ago, including a business suit. I am STILL the same weight. Isnt that crazy?

  18. Bonnie (SOAM) Says:
    November 17th, 2011 at 11:15 am

    So you are smaller, but the same weight? That’s a great example of why scales lie. Muscle weighs more than fat, so if you did a lot of muscle-building, you may have increased weight while you were losing it coming out equal according to the scale, but way ahead according to health in general. :)

  19. Jen Says:
    November 18th, 2011 at 6:23 pm

    You’re definitely not an “ugly fat girl”. You don’t even look FAT. You look like a woman who was pregnant. Actually – looking at your pictures is like looking in the mirror. Your recent photos look a lot like my body. I have issues with my body image, especially when I am around my family – they are ALL thin and fit. I feel like the odd one out. But then I look at myself in the mirror and I think “Well .. maybe I don’t look THAT bad.” I have the “pouch” from being pregnant – I don’t see anyway to get rid of that .. I HAVE tried. I fluxuate so easily though. I literally can lose weight so fast, but then it just comes back quicker than I lost it. I am starting to realize that I am going to have to make peace with my body and accept myself the way I am. I hope you can too. You’re not ugly – at all. Your body shows the signs of pregnancy and TO ME that is a beautiful thing. I know that reading the words of a stranger will not change how you feel about yourself – and I am not saying these things to simply make you feel better. If I didn’t think these things, I simply would not have commented on your post. But I can understand your anger at your own body – I have been there. And I can say with sincerity that *I* do not think your body is fat or ugly. At all.

  20. chris Says:
    November 22nd, 2011 at 7:13 am

    Megan,

    My apologies for not posting earlier. For what it is worth my view on your post different then most shared. I can feel the emotional pain and the physical hurt that your experience has brought you, from your posting. However, I am not angry, I am frustrated. Yes, frustrated. It has taken me years to reflect on my own feelings to understand them. I thought I was angry, but I actually frustrated at life. Seems to me that you might be frustrated too. Here you have made a beautiful life in exchange for a body you loved. You worked hard for a good pregnancy and a healthy baby (which congratulations are in order!!), and have worked hard to regain the body you had. But life does its own thing. Your feelings are your own and you should not be judged by them.
    Frustrated. I am frustrated that I see a beautiful woman in the pics that followed the post, BOTH pre- and post- baby, that the woman has trouble seeing. I am frustrated that today’s society has this impossible perception of what “perfect” physical beauty is for women, and men. Angry? NO. I feel frustrated. I feel that I should give more than this posting. Cyber Hug??

    Ladies, please reflect a little. I hope it was frustration that you were feeling, that came out as anger. Perhaps frustration because you can understand what Megan is going through, the hard work with seemingly no results, being a new parent (if that is not stressful enough), then to be unemployed.

    Megan, I hope you read this. Know that I am not angry at you or with you. Just frustrated at life, and at how long my posting turned out.

    If you want to share frustrations Ms. Bonnie has my email address.

    Chris

  21. shannon Says:
    November 28th, 2011 at 8:17 am

    Hugs mama…been there and felt what you are feeling. What helped? Running…started walking got to running it is so empowering and the weight will start falling off. You are gorgeous you look like you have a child. Stop hating yourself and look at what you have created!! :)

  22. bj Says:
    December 8th, 2011 at 12:17 am

    i get how you feel and thts how i feel. but hes not lying when he says he loves you and doesnt care but you imperfections

  23. Jolene Says:
    December 18th, 2011 at 11:49 pm

    You remind me a lot of the feelings I have today and every day since my our first kid was delivered. My husband tells me the same things and I seriously think he means it. You need to love yourself before you will believe the love anyone else has for you. It may not mean anything and yet I feel the need to tell you from the outside looking in you’re lovely.

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