Ever since I found this website, I’ve had mixed emotions. I was a mother, but only very briefly. I had an abortion when I was eight weeks along. I had the surgery a month ago. I thought I would be mentally prepared for what it would mean; I am still trying to find peace within myself.
At the time, I was very scared. The pregnancy was my first, and the father is someone I had only been seeing a few months and he would be leaving at the end of August to go back to school. I was afraid to tell him because we both had things going on in our lives; we are on the cusps of distinguishing our careers. I couldn’t fathom what changes it would’ve meant for the both of us. More over, I wasn’t sure of how he felt about me. My family has a lot of worries, and I didn’t want to add to them; I would’ve had to rely heavily on them if I had the baby. Basically, I felt really alone and decided that not having the baby would be the best thing for everyone…even when something within me told me otherwise. I just didn’t think I was strong enough to raise the child on my own.
After the surgery, I ended up telling the father anyway. He understood the situation I was in and he’s been very supportive. He told me he wouldn’t have let me go through with the surgery and that I should have told him. Nothing else would’ve mattered to him but me and the child. My family also told me they would’ve supported me no matter what, and they are sorry that I had to go through that. In hindsight, I should have listened to the voice within me. I have a hard time forgiving myself.
I look at this site and recall how my body changed so much in those eight weeks. I am really athletic, and I was amazed at how quickly I would fatigue at my daily activities before I found out I was pregnant. I’m also highly weight-conscious. I gained ten pounds in those eight weeks and I could not figure out where it came from. Coupled with the nausea and growth in the size of my breasts, I realized what was happening.
I remember thinking throughout the time I was pregnant and watching my body change that I didn’t want it to happen. My body was showing so much change in such a short time. I was scared. My body image was never a problem for me yet it was in a place that I felt was perfect for me before it changed during my pregnancy. Now that I’m not pregnant anymore, I’m depressed. I want to see my body morphing as the mothers’ bodies here did throughout their pregnancies.
I would’ve been 12 weeks along by now…I miss looking down at my torso and seeing that pudge below my navel where my baby was growing.
In the weeks following the surgery, I hated my body – not because of the way it looked but because it reminded me that I had been pregnant. It looked the same even though I was not. The surgery was painless, and I felt like such a hypocrite being on pain medication when nothing but my heart hurt. I wanted to be in more physical pain than I felt. My body has since returned to its pre-pregnancy state.
When I started reading the testimonies of mothers on this site, how their stretch marks and scars reflected the pride they felt for carrying their children, I realized why I felt so empty. I wasn’t proud of myself or what I did. The thoughts I had about my body changing during my pregnancy were superficial; I only felt that way because I decided not to have the baby, so seeing it change so quickly made me feel guilty for what I was about to do.
I read this site with admiration for the mothers who submit their stories and photos. I want them to know that I envy them. I envy their stretch marks, their post-partum bodies, their sacrifices of their old selves as they embraced their new roles as mothers. This site is powerful therapy for me even though it probably doesn’t sound like it. I have hope for myself, for my future pregnancies. I look forward to when I can post my own photos here.
Thank you for listening,