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Anonymous

February 9, 2009

I’ve procrastinated writing this for a long time now. I found this website when I was pregnant with my son. He’s turning 2 years old now and I think it’s time to settle things with myself. Let me first say thank you for hosting such an amazing website. Now, I have a long history of self-hatred and depression. Without getting into to many details, I’ve cumulatively spent more than 6 months in hospitals being treated for anorexia and have been in therapy for the last 8 years. As I began my road to recovery, I was told that I may not be able to conceive because of the abuse to my body. I had no period for 6 years, a condition called amenorrhea. Then on the night that my husband proposed to me, I got my first period. He was so happy, not for my fertility, but at this beautiful sign of health. 3 Months before our wedding I got three consecutive periods and on our wedding night we conceived our son. Pregnancy was difficult. I was on progesterone supplements for the first trimester. The hormones put on quite a bit of water weight and I had gained 20 lbs in my first trimester alone. I gained a total of 54lbs, and on my 5ft frame that was just enough to make me miserable. We were planning to have a natural birth without medications. Then, three and a half weeks before my due date I came down with a high fever. When I went to the hospital I was having contractions and my baby was showing some signs of weakness. I was given antibiotics and cervadil to ripen my cervix and we were going to induce the next morning. I was induced and labored naturally for 12 hours. My cervix only dialated to 4 and my son was starting to struggle in the womb. I consented to a c-section and he was born healthy within the hour. Of course it’s not how I planned, but that is what life gave me. I love my scar, I think it’s beautiful. My son nursed for 17months until he weaned himself. Those were some of the most special moments together. I was fortunate enough to have an oversupply of breast milk and I froze and gave milk to my nephew who was born premature. I have light stretch marks all over my breasts, lower belly, belly button, thighs and butt. My belly button herniated as well and I too, like so many women here, have flat pancake breasts. The curves and the stretch marks have grown on me since. I have good and bad days. Most days my husband makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. I’m so grateful for that. Then there are days when I can’t shut up the voice in my head. My heart breaks for my past, but I’m not ashamed of it nor do I wish it hadn’t happened. Dealing with my anorexia and depression has made me who I am today. It has made me a stronger person and a better mom. My husband and I have made the decision not to have any more children, but I don’t take it for granted, not for a second. Every time I look at my body with despise, I think of how blessed I am.







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17 Responses to “Anonymous”

  1. Meredith Says:
    February 9th, 2009 at 2:18 pm

    What are you talking about?? You look great! Are these pictures from before pregnancy or after? Honestly, it doesn’t look like you were ever pregnant.

  2. I-dra Says:
    February 9th, 2009 at 3:42 pm

    “My heart breaks for my past, but I’m not ashamed of it nor do I wish it hadn’t happened. Dealing with my anorexia and depression has made me who I am today. It has made me a stronger person and a better mom.”
    i can relate to the mentality of feeling stronger because of your past hardships. i made some mistakes with my body, too, not valuing it & just giving it away to almost anyone who smiled at me. like you, i have worked thru a lot of feelings about it (probably similar feelings) & although i am sad for the girl that i was, i’m the woman i am now because of it.
    anyway, keep getting better. you’re doing so well & your body shows it. i like the texture of your thighs. they look a little like mine (except mine are bigger around). i’m proud of you & thankful that you’ve chosen to join this courageous community. we are in such good company!

  3. Jackie Says:
    February 9th, 2009 at 5:10 pm

    hi. :) we have the same kind of stretchmarks on our thighs. :) you’re beautiful!

  4. Jilly Says:
    February 9th, 2009 at 6:32 pm

    My thighs & bum have stretchmarks just like yours (and a matching scar, too!)

    you look LOVELY – really!!! Your belly is so smooth and flat and looks really toned. I know it’s easier said than done, but don’t be so hard on yourself. You really do look wonderful!! Congrats!

  5. Lee Says:
    February 9th, 2009 at 7:55 pm

    you look great and after having a kid you STILL have an awesome belly! i had my first kid 4 years ago…i didnt get stretch marks either, but did get them onmy hips like you..and i think its safe to say i would rather have them there than my belly…you look great!

  6. Cierra Says:
    February 10th, 2009 at 1:06 pm

    I’d like to tell you I’m am horribly jealous of your body. <3 I know its hard to come through such situations but its good to know you’re doing your best…thats all we ever can do. Great job, and you very honestly, look AMAZING!

  7. jenna Says:
    February 11th, 2009 at 3:29 pm

    Yeah you pretty much ought to write a book! You are perfect

  8. Annette Says:
    February 12th, 2009 at 4:30 pm

    I could only wish i had those little stretch marks everywhere! I know it’s not about comparing but that’s all we do in our heads Lol I’ll be 20 next week and i look worse than you! It’s not only stretch marks and extra weight but cellulite too! Lol

  9. Lee Says:
    February 18th, 2009 at 12:11 pm

    you have like the best ass, im totally jealous!

  10. Ashley Says:
    February 19th, 2009 at 2:06 am

    Lee is right… you have a great ass! I’m jealous too!

  11. Catherine Grace Says:
    February 24th, 2009 at 1:42 am

    thanks. I have similar issues, and am worried about pregnancy for what I feel are selfish reasons, but sometimes, I cant stop thinking them.
    but this makes me feel better.
    I know I will gain control over my thoughts, and my lover makes me feel like the most beautiful creature. My disorders actually started fading away when we started dating. he was my first, and I plan on making him my last. I still struggle with things, but I can wait to see that pouch!
    Thanks for the encouragment! I know we all can do it

  12. Becky Says:
    February 27th, 2009 at 9:04 am

    I think you are beautiful! I gained 78lbs while i was pregnant and I hate my body now. I also struggle with depression and a compulsive eating disorder. I grieve daily for the body i no longer have, but i love my son more than anything. I am trying to overcome my eating disorder so that he won’t learn poor eating habits and end up like me. Your body is amazing!

  13. red Says:
    March 4th, 2009 at 10:08 pm

    WTH? (Pardon my language) Doesn’t look like you gave birth
    “Most days my husband makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. I’m so grateful for that” – Maybe because you are

  14. Erin Says:
    March 12th, 2009 at 11:03 am

    I would kill for your butt! You look great and I’m jealous

  15. Jess Says:
    March 24th, 2009 at 11:55 am

    You look wonderful..u most likely look better after u had your baby then before..most of the time patients suffering from anorexia look severely mal nourished and these pictures you posted you look healthy and beautiful..so glad u got to have the rewarding experience of giving birth and being a mother. Hopefully it gave u a new outlook on life! There is so much more to life then material things and looks and I am glad u are so much better!

  16. Anonymous Says:
    March 29th, 2009 at 10:00 pm

    You look absolutely fabulous! Honey, so many women would love to look like you. You are the kind of mommy that other mommy’s look at in awe and think “SHE had a baby?” I’d kill for your butt too! lol.

  17. Lynne Says:
    May 14th, 2009 at 9:19 am

    You have a beautiful figure, and such a nicely shaped butt :)

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