The Shape of a Mother The Shape of a Mother The Shape of a Mother The Shape of a Mother The Shape of a Mother

« | Home | »

Am I the only one? (Randi)

March 2, 2011

~Age: 20
~Number of pregnancies and births: two pregnancies. One still birth at 22 weeks pregnant. One live birth.
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: son Jacob is 15months old. So 15 months pp.

I have always wanted to be a mother. Not necessarily get pregnant at a young age I always knew I would be a good mother.. When the time came. I was dating a guy I prefer to remain nameless but for this story let’s call him joe. Joe and I were not together for very long. Just long enough for me to realize he was a loser who dropped out of high school. Didnt care about getting a job and really wasn’t going anywhere in life. So I left him. No big deal. A few weeks later I took a pregnancy test and to my horror I was pregnant. Pregnant and alone. I managed the courage to call him and tell him we needed to meet up and talk. When i told him the news he said “well I hope u get an abortion, or else prepare to be a single mother” those were exact words I can’t force myself to forget. So I then found the courage to tell my parents. They were nothing but understanding, my mom told me “what’s done is done, and now we just need topray and take it day by day”. I’m so glad I have such an amazing family.

So the days went by and I spent a lot of my time crying and wondering how I was going to do this. I looked into options. Abortion was never an option, not for me. And I couldn’t figure out how I could carry a baby for nine months and then give it up for adoption. So my decision was made. I was going to keep the baby and do the best I could. Over the next few weeks I met a guy I really liked. His name is nick, But telling him I was pregnant is not something that was on the top of my to do list. But eventually I did, I told him over the phone. Immediately after I told him, he had to get off the phone. I figured “great” I scared away the only man willing to spend time with me. A few days later he sent me a text asking if he could take me out to dinner and talk to me. Of course I agreed. He told me that he didn’t care that I was pregnant and wasn’t going anywhere. Over the next few months he became very active in my pregnancy. He went to doctor appointments, ultrasounds, and even birthing class’s. On my birthday he told me that he loved me more than anything in the world and wanted to marry me and raise this baby as his own. I didn’t know what to say. He made me so happy I couldn’t say no. Every night we would lay in bed and hen would rub my belly and sing to the baby and read him books. Before we fell asleep he would get his face right up to my belly button and whisper “I can’t wait to meet you, daddy loves you son”. Not long after I was 2 weeks overdue and scheduling a c section. On august 12th 2009 my son Jacob Dean was born at 9 pounds 6 ounces. Nick cried and said “my son is so beautiful”. Jacob had some health issues and was in an incubator for a few days and had an iv. Nick never left my side once. He ate in the hospital cafeteria and showered in my rooms bathroom. Every time Jacob cried it was his duty to change diapers since I could barely move due to the c section. Nick is an only child with no cousins. Jacob was the first baby he had ever held. But he did an amazing job. He never complained about anything and was just so great with the baby.

Then it was time to go home, and all of a sudden all the confidence I had…was gone. I didn’t have a nurse to help me when I didn’t know what to do. We were on our own. My head was filled with “what if’s”. I didn’t know how I would take care of this tiny life. Every time I looked in the mirror I was disgusted by what I saw. I saw this ugly stretch marked skin and flabby fat that hung over the top of my jeans. I didn’t fit into any of my clothes and I felt like a whale. Nick always told me how beautiful I was and that now my body is beautiful in a new way. I carried and brought a life into the world. He said I should feel proud. But whenever I would breastfeed I would sit in our room and cry, and sometimes I didn’t even know why I was crying. I had a beautiful son and an amazing boyfriend but I was so unhappy with how I looked that I looked over all that. And reality also set in that I couldn’t go back to work and we didn’t know how we were going to pay for all the things he needed. I thought for sure nick would leave when he saw what actually went into being a parent. But he didn’t, he never left our side.

Now our son is one and a half. He is a happy boy who still has a great number of health issues. We live with my inlaws but soon will have to leave since we can’t afford the rent. We haven’t paid them rent in over six months. I am back in school and actually about to graduate and get my liscence as an Esthetician. Nick is still by my side and Jacob loves him more than anything in the world. Inside I sometimes still get sad that Jacobs biological father doesn’t care about him. He is not a good guy and would not have made a good father but it still hurts me that he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care that he has a son and he has never wanted to see him, I don’t know why this bothers me, am I wrong for feeling this way? I don’t understand it and it confuses me. I wonder why Jacob and I weren’t good enough for him and his family. When Jacob grows up I have no idea what I’ll tell him. He knows nick is his dad. Anyone can make a baby. But a parent is a nurturer. A role model. And a provider. Nick is the one who gets up with him in the night, feeds him in the day, plays with him at the park, picks when up when he falls down and gives him praise when he does something good. I feel sad that his biological father will never know what am amazing child Jacob is. And I think I’m wrong to feel that way.

I know my life is not that interesting and thank you to anyone who read this far. I guess I just needed to vent, tell someone my story. I always am at home and crave adult interaction. I’m scared because my son is almost out of diapers and I know I can’t afford to buy him more. Sometimes I wonder if I’m the only one who has these feelings. Are there other women out there who can relate? Who have input? I am eternally grateful to my boyfriend. He dropped everything he used to love for Jacob and me. He always tells me he wouldn’t change his decision for the world. He wants to try again for another baby. He loves being a father and he is great at it. My family loves him and they love that he is taking part in raising Jacob. They are grateful he came into our lives as well. Some people tell me I’m wrong for letting a man who isn’t the biological father raise him. I don’t get why that’s wrong. He loves Jacob. That’s what matters. Right? This site has made me see how real women are and how real our feelings are. We aren’t like the women in magazines. We aren’t back to a size two a week after birth. Thank you to everyone who writes thier stories on here. It made me not afraid to speak out about my story and my life. I just wanted to feel important and tell my story. To someone who will care about it.

Picture 1: nick and baby Jacob. I wasn’t out of surgery yet.
Picture 2: my mom holding baby Jacob. My first look at him right after my c section.
Picture 3: Jacob in his daddy’s arms. 2 weeks old.
Picture 4: nick and Jacob. One year old.
Picture 5: me and Jacob
Picture 6: Jacob now at 1 and a half.

Post to Twitter Post to Facebook

21 Responses to “Am I the only one? (Randi)”

  1. Corinne Says:
    March 2nd, 2011 at 7:23 am

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. I read all of the stories on here since discovering this site and I just had to respond to yours. You are wrong though, your life is interesting and you wrote about it in a beautiful way. My situation is so similar to yours but I am older than you. I met my partner when I was 4 months pregnant and single. He has been amazing and he is Daddy to our little boy, luckily for our son he also has some contact with his ‘father’ but it is limited. Be proud of yourself and your body, it sounds like you need to do something to build your own self-esteem so that you can actually start to believe the reasons your boyfriend loves you.

  2. Kat Says:
    March 2nd, 2011 at 9:34 am

    There is absolutely nothing wrong with having nick raise your baby! God has put him in your life for you and your son. You are extremely blessed!! I will pray for you, that you will feel confident in your body someday.

  3. Dave Says:
    March 2nd, 2011 at 9:40 am

    Randi,
    Be thankful your sons biological father is not involved in his life. If he raised him he would turn out just like him. So who would you rather your son turn out like Nick or Joe? It doesn’t matter what other people say you know what is right for your son not them. Nick sounds like an amazing man. Love him, give him lots of children so he could be an amazing Grandpa someday. You will never regret that decision.

  4. Tosha Says:
    March 2nd, 2011 at 9:41 am

    Hi! I am so sorry about the things that have and are happening to you! There is no reason you shouldn’t let Nick help you raise your son as you said he’s been there from the beginning & he loves him-that’s all that matters. Sending you best wishes :)

  5. MM Says:
    March 2nd, 2011 at 10:05 am

    congratulations on finding such an amazing man :) there is nothig wrong with letting “a man who isn’t the biological father” raise your son. Obviously paternal biology is obviously not what cares about him the most, and I think it’s great that the two of you have created such a great family together!

  6. Anglea Says:
    March 2nd, 2011 at 10:29 am

    wow,
    I have never commented to submitted anything on this site for the past 3 years I’ve known about it. But I feel so compelled to response. My own son is named Jacob also. My mother was a teen mom and didn’t even look or hug me the day I was born, I was “given” to my mom now just like that. It was in Korea and almost 30 years ago. My birth mother wanted nothing to do with me, but here I am 30 years later with no regets about how my life has turned out. All you have to do is love your son. You seem to have a supported man in your life and thats great. Don’t dwell on Jacob’s biological father, he’s made his choice and you have made yours. Jacob’s mother and father are the ones who love and care for him everyday. Best wishes.

  7. amber Says:
    March 2nd, 2011 at 12:06 pm

    such an inspring story :)

  8. Mary V Says:
    March 2nd, 2011 at 12:36 pm

    Wow, hugs to you! Congratulations on your baby boy and upcoming graduation. In the beginning of your writing you said, “I was going to keep the baby and do the best I could.” You have done great, money is hard sometimes and its scarey to think of taking care of another life, but its not impossible. I was so happy to read that you found someone that loved you regardless and he is still by your side, that is so wonderful! Keep your head up, just think about graduation and the handsome boys you have :)

  9. steph Says:
    March 2nd, 2011 at 2:10 pm

    My partner was raised by a man who was not his father and he is so happy that he had such a great father figure. It takes a good man to raise achild it takes an amazing man with a pure soul to pick up the pieces and raise another mans child as his own. You are not the only one, as for the money issue look around you may be eligible for some kind of government assistance. It will get better.

  10. Randi Says:
    March 3rd, 2011 at 2:48 pm

    Thank you all so much. Reading everything that was just said made me feel so incredibly good about myself, a feeling I have not felt in a long long time. Thank you for caring. Thank you for being uplifting. And supportive. Means more than you all will ever know to be accepted by people who don’t even know me. What amazing people you all truly must be. Thank you so much. This website has given me so much.

  11. L Says:
    March 5th, 2011 at 11:46 pm

    Wow thank u for sharing your story. Its very inspiring how he loves you anyour son. He really is your sons father its not biological genes that make a father its the man who loves and raises a child. Happy for you and don’t stress the sperm donor like I call my biological dad is the one missing out on your beautiful sons life.. your better off without him. Best wishes!

  12. Rebecka Says:
    March 15th, 2011 at 10:35 am

    I loved your story, it actually brought tears to my eyes. It’s amazing that you found someone who loves you and your son. (:

  13. Rebecka Says:
    March 15th, 2011 at 10:36 am

    Also, your son is adorable, and you have a lovely family. Just keep doing what you know is right, and everything will fall into place.

  14. Randi Says:
    March 17th, 2011 at 4:39 pm

    Thank you so much! I am very grateful for everything in my life. I have worked hard to get where I am today.

  15. Deanne Says:
    March 19th, 2011 at 8:54 am

    Wow. Thank you so much for sharing your story. You are a beautiful woman, with a beautiful son and a truly amazing husband. I was born to two teen parents, and the custody issues growing up took their emotional toll on me. However, my stepdad, the father of my sisters, who was only even married to my mother for a short time, was JUST as much of a REAL father to me as a toddler, throughout my life growing up now, and STILL IS, as a grown woman with a child of my own. He refers to me as his daughter, my son as his grandson, my husband as his son in law. My mother and father, whom I both lived with off and on growing up, are very ready to admit my stepdad is an equal if not superior ‘parent’ figure in my life. I’m just lucky enough to have two REAL dads. And your little boy is lucky enough to have an amazing dad, too.

  16. Randi Says:
    March 23rd, 2011 at 10:46 pm

    Deanne… Wow I am so glad you have that in your life. Some people don’t even have one great father and you have two :) I am very grateful for everything in my life, so much has happened recently I need to post again! So happy to have this site to come home too on a bad day, it’s amazing and so are the people like you here !

  17. Mandie Says:
    March 31st, 2011 at 11:19 pm

    Your story is so incredible… I can’t believe how much emotion it struck me with. You should never feel guilty about the choices you make with your son, because he is yours and your hubby’s son, and nobody else’s. I think the people who are judging you are angry because they don’t have the kind of happiness you do. Believe me when I say it is best to have a good man be his father than the man who contributed the genetics and left. My father left my mother when I was one year old and never looked back. Sure, it makes me wonder how anybody can turn their back on their own child like that (especially since having a daughter of my own 15 months ago), but that was his choice. To be honest, I think it has improved my life a million fold. He was nothing but a scum bag, and the man who did step in has done an amazing job being my Dad. I wouldn’t change it for the world. Take pride in knowing that while you may not have name brand outfits for your baby, nobody can feel the love you and your hubby feel for him, and brand names do not make up for pure, raw emotion like this. And don’t be afraid to check out for local social services, there may be help available for your family. It’s never fun to admit that you can’t do the basic things that everybody else seems to be doing for their children, but everybody needs help at some point. Congratulations on your course, by the way. Having a stable job will be that extra step on the path to confidence. Best of luck to you and your beautiful family!

  18. Kayla Rivera Says:
    August 12th, 2011 at 9:24 am

    I am glad someone shares such a similar story as mine! My son’s biological father told.me he would.only pay for an abortion or never contact him again.. Horrible guy. I ended up marrying the love of my life when I was six month pregnant. His name is on the birth certificate and loves our son more than anything. Love makes a family. Not biology.

  19. Meghan Says:
    September 14th, 2011 at 8:25 am

    your story brought me to tears. HAPPY tears! nick is such a wonderful man, and not even knowing you i am so happy for you! You are gorgeous no matter what you look like.

  20. SJM Says:
    November 12th, 2011 at 4:32 am

    my stepdad raised me from the time i was a baby and i wouldnt have it any other way. you are a very lucky woman to find someone that good!

  21. Smiley Says:
    November 28th, 2011 at 1:30 pm

    Wow…you’re story and the encouraging and thoughtful comments have brought tears to my eyes and reminded me yet again just how lucky I really am too… I also have a son in which the biological father left…I raised my son as a single mother for 3 yrs before I met my amazing man…now husband who has completely taken on the roll of fathering my son and we now have another son together and he loves and treats both our sons equally and I am truly lucky as you are lucky that these amazing men are out there…always be thankful and no that its not that your son doesn’t matter its that the man who left doesn’t matter…you have an amazing man and little boy and anyone who chose not to be there is the one missing out not you or your son… Anyone can become a father but it takes a man to be a dad!

Comments


Support This Site