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Am I Really Going to Be a Mommy Again?

April 6, 2009

When I was 18 I had my first baby girl. It was my first pregnancy I was a very mature 18 year old and very ready for my daughter. My pregnancy was great no problems or complaints I delivered my daughter Destiny at 39 weeks She was born at 10:11 am on May 14th 2000 wich happened to be Mothers Day that year. She was absolutely beautiful she weighed 8lb12 oz and was 21 inches in length she had the chubbiest cheeks and a full head on black hear. Destiny was “healthy” at birth and came home with me. We spent 7 wonderful weeks at home I breast fed and she ate and gained weight appropriately she went to her five day and one month doctor visit. She was perfectly normal and very alert the nurse even thought she was 5 months not 5 weeks she talked with the doctor the whole visit cooing and smiling. Just two weeks later on July 3rd Destiny woke up with a swollen eye lid I immediately thought conjunctivitis and then I noticed her breathing was more like panting. I took her immediately to the hospital where they told me she was very sick and had cancer. They rushed us to Boston Childrens Hospital.There I found out it was leukimia, we fought for her all day. Destiny passed away at 1:37 am July 4th hardest day of my life. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of my little angel Destiny. Over time it has gotten a lot easier and now 9 years later I am expecting my 2nd baby girl, I am so happy I could cry. I am 21 weeks along and so far everthing looks great. I just can’t help feeling that this isn’t real and in just 18 weeks and 3 days I will deliever my 2nd baby. I have been feeling my little one move around for over a month and she is getting stronger by the day. I just feel like this is a dream I don’t believe it am I realy going to have a baby. Is she going to be healthy. I had one other pregnancy in may of ’08 and i misscarried at six or 7 weeks so after the two losses I just have so many doubts, Is this normal?I know I am going to love her. I really just don’t believe I am going to get to be a mommy again.

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7 Responses to “Am I Really Going to Be a Mommy Again?”

  1. Sari Says:
    April 6th, 2009 at 12:04 pm

    My heart goes out to you. It is a hard enough journey becoming a mother, and all of the changes that it entails without ever having to lose a child. I am sure there are many things that are running through your mind right now. I pray that you know, that you are a mommy, and that you are doing what you are meant to do. You have a powerful gift, and all will turn out as it needs to. All you need to do is love. Love yourself, and the child as it grows within you. This is all you have to do.. Take care. I’ll be thinking of you..

  2. Polly Says:
    April 6th, 2009 at 12:38 pm

    I am so sorry to hear of your losing your sweet baby girl, Destiny, and your miscarriage last year. The feelings you are having–elation, worry, questions, doubts, outright fear–are perfectly normal. I was also a teen mom (at 17) and I now have four children ages 3, 7, 11, and 16. I miscarried between my first and second and again between my third and fourth babies. It’s hard to believe that all is well when you’ve experienced the worst, and it’s confusing to fall so completely in love with the baby you’re carrying while still mourning the loss of another. You will get through it all. Knowing you’re not alone helps a lot. Talk to people that love you and whom you trust. I hope you’ll update here when you’ve delivered your new baby! God Bless you~

  3. shannon Says:
    April 7th, 2009 at 5:16 am

    You NEVER stopped being a mommy. You have been Destiny’s mommy since the day you got pregnant…and you always will be! It is so hard to be pregnant again after child loss. Trust me…I know. You can find my story under child loss “missing my babyy boy and expecting my second”…Connor was 19 months when he went to heaven…and I found out I was pregnant just a few months later…talk about hard. Just keep in mind that Destiny hand picked her little sister just for you, and she will always love you!

  4. Lela Says:
    April 7th, 2009 at 6:22 pm

    This story was so very sad for me to read. I am so sorry you lost Destiny. She sounded like a beautiful baby. You will always be her mother, no matter what.

    i wish you luck and love with your new little one. I hope all goes well. God bless!!!

  5. Anjali Says:
    April 24th, 2009 at 10:57 pm

    Hope you have a healthy baby…Destiny is coming back to you but this time she will never leave you and go

  6. Andrea Says:
    May 20th, 2009 at 11:38 am

    I feel with you, I have lost a child, he was two years old. For the first I had twin boys att 22 years of age and that was lovely, I realy enjoyed to be a mother and our famillies were wery supportive. Then two years later the triplets came, two girls and one boy, all was doing fine untill one day when I was taking Zack [The triplet boy] to the shop and on the green light I drived right front and a truck smashed our car. He died on the hospital a few hours later, It took me around six months to recover from the injuries but I was heartbroken, I thought that ”Why could´nt I save him, I am supposed to be a doctor and why would I survive when he did´nt”. I cept on blaiming myself a realy long time after the accident, my heart will maybe never heal but I´t got better, I had to get my mind together for my four other cids. And just about a year after that I found out I was expecting five more cids at once!! I felt like I did´nt want any more cids, specially not FIVE. But I did´nt got the heart to kill them so there they were two girls and three boys. Even today I´m not fully healed and I will never be, but the other cids realy helped me back. I even wrote a story decated to Zack.
    Destiny will always have a place in you´re heart, and I wish you and you´re little one all good.

    Anton and Isac.
    Hannah, Jocelyn and Zack.
    Jessica, Adrian, Theresa, Lucas and Jesper.
    All of them sends their wery best and warm whishes. [Sorry for my bad english :S]

  7. Stephanie Says:
    September 25th, 2009 at 10:34 am

    I just stumbled across this site. I can’t believe it. Your daughter was born on the same exact day and year as my son. He also passed away 2 weeks later though. I got pregnant 2 years later and miscarried at 5 weeks. 2 years later I fianlly had a healthy baby girl. 5 years later another girl. Now I have 2 sweet girls. I wanted to tell you that I also thought I was never going to have a baby. But I was proven wrong twice. Please don’t give up.

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