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Afraid of Second Pregnancy (Anonymous)

July 31, 2012

First: I am very grateful for this site, it has helped me so much to accept my body.
Second: I’m not a native English speaker, I’m trying my best but don’t be surprised if you find some mistakes. :-)

Age: 25
Pregnancies: 2
Births: 1
18 months pp, 7 weeks pregnant

I was 22 when I found out I was pregnant. It wasn’t planned but I knew from the very first moment that I would keep the baby and my boyfriend also accepted the thought of becoming a dad. My pregnancy was relatively easy, some morning sickness, some back pain, but nothing serious. I liked my growing bump and my body until I found out that my boyfriend watched porn. I mean I knew that he had done this before but during my pregnancy it had gotten crazy, I couldn’t leave the room without him switching on the computer and starting his little films. I asked him to stop it but he didn’t. He refused to have sex with me, kept watching porn instead and it shattered my self esteem. I started hating being so big. Then at 35 weeks I discovered the first stretch marks on my belly. Somehow I always thought I wouldn’t get them because my mother didn’t get one with two pregnancies. I hated my body and cried a lot and I was so relieved when my water broke at 38 weeks. I had to be induced and labor was hell, after 15 hrs my son was finally born with 3000g (6.61 lbs) and 49cm (19.29 inches). The next day I saw that the underside of my belly was covered in purple stretch marks. I was disgusted, I had never seen a woman with stretch marks before.

Losing the weight (I had gone up from 57kg (125 lbs) to 73kg (161 lbs)) was no problem thanks to breastfeeding and also I started working out again 2 months after I had given birth. But I still hated my saggy boobs (I got shrinking stripes on them when I stopped breastfeeding after 10 months. SHRINKING stripes!), the extra skin on my belly and, most of all, my stretch marks. Nobody in my family has them, neither do my friends, they were all like “Didn’t you use moisturizer?”. Of course I did, several times a day. My boyfriend said things like “They will go away, right? You will go back to normal, right?” Um, no. They just recently faded, they were purple for months. Hating my body, dealing with my bf’s ongoing addiction to porn, having a baby that cried endlessly – I hated my life. I think I might have developed a depression, but I never went to the doctor to have it confirmed or treated.

Those dark months eventually passed, my boyfriend finally understood that he was seriously hurting me (I had started to cut myself, something I hadn’t done since my teenage years), my son stopped crying all day and all night long and I felt better overall.

Although I am still the only person I know that has developed stretch marks during pregnancy, I finally came to terms with my body. It could have been worse. They are not all over my belly. I still don’t like to see myself in the mirror and I’m not sure if I will wear a bikini this summer (or ever again), but at least I don’t cry over my body constantly anymore (only on bad days).

And now I’m pregnant again. It was planned this time and I am currently 7 weeks along. I am terribly afraid of getting more stretch marks, since I already know that my genetics suck when it comes to this. I hope I can avoid them by limiting my weight gain to 20 lbs and working out a lot. I am currently 53kg (117 lbs) at 167cm (5.48 ft). I go to the gym 3-4 times a week and hope I can keep this routine up as long as possible. In my first pregnancy I stopped working out when I was 7 months along because I had 2 jobs and went to the university and just didn’t find the time to go to the gym regularly. Hopefully I’ll be more disciplined this time!

Pictures:
I don’t have any prepregnancy pictures of my belly because I never really liked my body.
#1: 36 weeks pregnant. First stretch marks visible.
#2 and #3: me now, 18 months pp and 7 weeks pregnant

Updated here.

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10 Responses to “Afraid of Second Pregnancy (Anonymous)”

  1. Dani Says:
    July 31st, 2012 at 9:24 am

    I am sorry that you had such a hard time dealing with your body issues. There are a lot of women with stretch marks I find it strange that you don’t know anyone else with them because me and most of my friends who have had children have them. My Mother does not have nay stretch marks either so I do not understand where mine come from. I wish I had what you call stretch marks because mine are way worse than than that. Your stomach is beautiful and toned. It is good to work out while pregnant but you should ask your doctor about it to make sure you don’t over do it. I hope you have a happy and healthy pregnancy! :)

  2. Autumn brown Says:
    July 31st, 2012 at 10:24 am

    Your belly is seriously beautiful, please know that you deserve to be treated so much better. I’m sending good thoughts you, I hope you realize how amazing you really are.

  3. Kristen Says:
    July 31st, 2012 at 10:34 am

    Stretch marks are the devil! Also, we are our own worst critics. You sound a lot like me and emotionally & physically. You look great, seriously! Even with stretch marks, you still have an awesome shape and are nice an toned. Think of it this way – if there’s any GOOD reason to have stretch marks, this is definitely one of them :).

    I got a few with my first pregnancy 2 years ago and I was okay with those. I’m now 36 weeks pregnant with #2 and they are multiplying, unfortunately. I will also be relieved when my water breaks!

    Good luck with baby #2 :).

  4. Hannah Says:
    August 1st, 2012 at 7:26 am

    Your postpartum body looks beautiful! Whatever stretch marks you have look really faint to me. And your bump looks sexy too; your boyfriend didn’t know what he was missing out on! Wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy.

  5. Melody Says:
    August 1st, 2012 at 7:05 pm

    You are stunning! Don’t let anyone ever make you feel otherwise. If you ever have a doubt in your mind, know that there is one person out there who thinks you look beautiful and it’s <—-this lady :)

  6. Anonymous Says:
    August 2nd, 2012 at 4:06 am

    Thanks for your nice comments! :) Wow, it feels really strange to see your own body on the internet. Now that I see these pictures here I can honestly think of myself ‘Not that bad’. However, this is me on a good day in a good angle and in soft light. Maybe I should update that post with photos of my love handles and how my belly hangs over my pants as soon as I sit down or bend over. Or maybe I should just concentrate on my good angles.

    I also feel I should have said some more things about my boyfriend. He’s not the jerk who says and does insensitive things all the time as I described him here. Like me, he had a hard time adjusting to being a parent and the first year after our son’s birth we were close to splitting up more than once. But he really changed, he takes care of our son a lot, he supports me and he loves our family. I wouldn’t have wanted another child with him if he wouldn’t have grown up (at least a bit :) ).

    Unfortunately, two weeks after I had written my submission, I’ve had a miscarriage. Though I wouldn’t say this heartbreaking experience changed the person I am, it somehow put things a little bit into perspective. Life is fragile and I should appreciate the things that I have. I try to focus on that thought now. And I also hope to become pregnant again soon.

    @Kristen: Is your belly bigger with your second pregnancy than it was with your first?

    Thanks again for your kind words everybody! :)

  7. Harper Says:
    August 6th, 2012 at 8:56 am

    somehow i have the same pregnancy story!
    1. i was 21 turning 22 when i found out i was pregnant.
    2. it was an unplanned pregnancy but me and my boyfriend especially really wanted to keep the baby (he was 26 at the time and was excited about it all)
    3. i was in the middle of dieting before i got pregnant and my weight went from 57kg to 756kg (i’m 5ft 4in too :D)
    4. my pregnancy was so easy that i always had thoughts that the baby wasn’t there anymore! i had one morning sickness and that was it, plus that time i didn’t know yet i was pregnant.
    5. i liked my bump too until about 24 weeks when stretch marks started showing one after another! ugh!
    6. i am afraid of getting pregnant again :(

    i just gave birth last may 3 and right now i’m dealing with a whole lot of image issues. i always thought i had post partum depression because of my body after giving birth and my baby who always cried. plus i asked my boyfriend once if he still likes me despite my saggy tummy, stretch marks and weight and he also answered me with “it’s all gonna go back to how it was before right?”. my boyfriend’s a good person and i don’t want to disappoint him but me being so self-conscious i don’t even want to dress in front of him :( and i don’t think i can ever wear bikinis. EVER. i was looking forward to that most of all before getting pregnant because i was at my thinnest (i was a big 65kg girl before going on a diet).

    i’m glad i came across your entry! i hope i can solve my own issues soon because right now the only thing that takes away my attention to that is breastfeeding my baby girl :) she’s so precious!

    PS: sorry about what happened :( i just read that while typing this

    PPS: you have a GREAT body omg how did you do that? teach me please! haha

  8. Harper Says:
    August 6th, 2012 at 8:59 am

    sorry i meant 75kg* 756kg is..i can’t even..

  9. Kayla Says:
    August 9th, 2012 at 3:24 am

    You goofball :) You look amazing! I can barely see the stretch marks and yes I know the sun is shining and perhaps you think that’s why I am saying this but you look amazing! You have a thin sexy waist and your belly button looks perfect! I hope your bf is telling you ‘you look beautiful’ because you do! <3

  10. Natalie Says:
    November 15th, 2012 at 4:17 pm

    Oh my tummy looks just like yours. Literally. Im a little bit tanner in complexion but i have the same thin silver lines on mine.
    You are beautiful. Your porcelain doll skin is to die for!! Your flat tummy is awesome. Go girl!

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