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A Never-Ending Struggle (Anonymous)

April 25, 2012

Age: 20
Number of Births: 1
Child: 7 Months Old

i’ve posted before, but not on a topic as specific as this. so, no pictures this time– just a story that i’m hoping some other women can relate to. not exactly the happiest, but i’ve found that people find comfort in relating with others, regardless.

it took me weeks to figure out that something just wasn’t right after i had my son. it wasn’t him, it was myself. it was the way i was acting, my feelings, my stress levels. it just wasn’t normal. i didn’t think it was a problem until i did a little research and came to the conclusion that i might have post-partum depression. it took one morning of me feeling like i was going to snap, crying and begging my fiance to help me, to stay home from work just ONE day to give me a break, that i couldn’t take it anymore. my son had been up practically all night, he was screaming, nothing could console him. i was at the end of my rope, and he just left. nothing he’s ever done hurt me more than him doing that to me that day. i literally told him i was afraid that i was going to do something terrible, and he just left us. he told me it was because he “had a responsibility to be to work” and he “couldn’t just leave them short-staffed”. and, stupid me, here i was thinking, “you have a responsibility to protect your baby and to make sure your fiancee is OKAY.” i was not okay that morning, nor was i okay in the weeks that led up to that. he ignored it. i am still holding a grudge from that, and i’m aware of it. but as many times as i’ve tried to talk to him about it, he shuts down and just acts like it’s nothing he cares to hear. (don’t get the wrong impression of my fiance, though. he’s an amazing, loving, providing father and a good man.) so i stopped trying to talk to him about it. i made an appointment to go see my doctor that day. i got put on anti-depressants but it’s still lingering some days and there’s been times when i went without it longer than i should have…. i know now that i really do NEED those pills. it’s like i’m completely hopeless.

i don’t want to do anything some days. and by that, i mean all i want to do is just sit and do mind-numbing things like browse facebook and pinterest and watch shows. i don’t want to do laundry, i don’t want to clean the house, i don’t want to do the dishes, i don’t want to do anything productive. there’s even some days where i don’t want to interact with my son. it breaks my heart, because i know i should cherish every minute of it, but sometimes i just put a movie on and let him be. i’m so envious of the mothers who can fill their day with being super mom’s. it’s like they can do it all, with a smile on their face, and love every minute. that’s not me right now. i can barely force a smile on my face when something is funny. it’s just… fake. it’s not even a matter of me feeling sorry for myself as it is me just feeling hopeless about things.

my fiance acts like i’m doing all of this on purpose. he tells me “why don’t you make plans with your friends? why don’t you do this? why don’t you go somewhere?” i don’t want to interact with people. i have no desire. no energy. i don’t want to have to get myself ready to go anywhere. i don’t want to try and push out conversations when everything i want to say is negative and depressing. no one wants to be around someone like that. i never have a vehicle to leave the house, even if i wanted to. i don’t answer my phone 99% of the time because i don’t want to talk. even when i do try to reach out and talk to my friends, i have nothing to say. i do nothing all day, i have no news to share. i want to start working and go back to school, but i don’t want to be around anyone. a big part of that is that i gained so much weight from starting birth control, being home all winter with no way to exercise and “boredom eating”, and now my comfort and source of being not so bored is cooking and baking. it takes up time, it’s one of my hobbies, and i get to eat it after. my entertainment used to be going out, shopping, school, friends, and being too busy for much else. i literally will spend so much time some days just looking back through my old pictures and seeing how tiny i was, how beautiful and full of life i was. i was funny, i was fun, i was happy. now, i see a fat, very unhappy, very hopeless person and i just can’t see that light at the end of the tunnel. it’s not that i don’t want to, because i so desperately do, but i just don’t see a change happening in me.

i feel like i’m wasting my son’s memories (my memories of him, i mean) as a baby. i feel like i’m preventing him from learning, experiencing, and being a happy fulfilled baby because of myself. i feel like i don’t remember the past 6 months. i feel like it’s been a blur that i just slept through or got into such a routine that it became automatic and every day felt exactly the same. i feel so incredibly guilty, every day. i should be taking him outside, i should be rolling around on the floor playing with him, i should be reading to him so much every day, i should be doing so much more. i just don’t have it in me.

i don’t talk to anyone for entire days at a time. i bug my fiance at work all day asking him when he’ll be home, praying that he’ll be out earlier. i get so, so mad at him when he tells me a certain time and i practically wait at the window, watching for the car to pull in, and he doesn’t get home until two hours later because he had to stay later and didn’t tell me. instead of telling him that i’m upset because i was excited to see him, excited to have someone to talk to, i get mad at him for it because it feels so cruel to me. but he doesn’t know that i’m just desperate for adult interaction. i have no one to talk to, all day long. i have nothing to do, and it makes me feel worthless. i just wish he would understand that all i want is some support and for HIM to understand. i tell him “i wish you knew what it was like. i wish you could be in my place for a few weeks so you could understand how difficult it is. he doesn’t factor in my depression, because he acts like it’s non-existent. he gets mad and says “well i have to actually work” and makes me feel like me staying at home and mothering our child is a vacation while he’s doing all the “important” stuff. it makes me feel, again, worthless. and then when he tells me “well why don’t you get a job” in a degrading type of way, it makes me feel like i’m lazy, like i’m reliant on him for everything. but the fact is, no matter how badly i want to get back to the old me, i don’t want to be around people. it scares me. it makes me so unbelievably uncomfortable. and he doesn’t…get it. nor does he act like he cares to. it’s so hurtful to me and so frustrating and it’s the cause of so many of our fights. if he would just open up to me and TRY to understand, it would make things so much easier. i wouldn’t have to hide my feelings with anger and yelling and frustration. i could just TELL him, this is what’s wrong, and this is why. but i can’t. and it’s really making things a million times harder for me to have the one person i should be able to tell everything to not wanting to hear it. why don’t i deserve respect and support?

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16 Responses to “A Never-Ending Struggle (Anonymous)”

  1. Dee Says:
    April 25th, 2012 at 9:25 am

    Before I ever became pregnant I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety which can play into depression easily. Your and your fiance’s arguments over “actually working” and how you wait all day to see him sound EXTREMELY reminiscent of my boyfriend and I. I take some college classes online, which I hate and wish I could go to the classroom, but I’m also completely reliant on my dad and boyfriend. I’m sure there are a lot of other women that feel the way you do.

    I’m sorry that you’re depressed, but it’s good that you realized the problem and got help. When I was going through dark times in my life I found that talk therapy really helped me. I’m not depressed, although I do have at least 2 or 3 “depressed” days throughout my week, where I cry and don’t wanna do anything, but after having one of those depressed days, despite the fact that I feel worthless sometimes, I try to do something: go to the park with my daughter, go shopping, or visit the only close friend I have.

    Sorry for such a long comment, but your story spoke to me. Try to do something fun with your son if you can! No matter how sad I am, when I see my daughter laugh or smile, it brightens my day. Even if you feel worthless (WHICH YOU’RE NOT!), your son most definitely is not and hopefully connecting with him can help you pick yourself up. Nothing will change unless you try to change it. And, with my relationship anyways, when I show a little happiness my boyfriend picks up on that and even though he’s terrible at dealing with my depressing days, even when I’m a slightly happy, he tries to play up on that cuz it’s easier for him to relate to, I guess. Maybe your fiance will do the same. All I can say is to try, even if you don’t feel like it. Good luck and keep us updated!

    (Just posted the update)
    Dee

  2. Sarah Says:
    April 25th, 2012 at 9:58 am

    I’ve never commented here before, but your post really spoke to me. I have two sons, and I experienced severe postpartum depression after each of their births, which I truly believe was made worse by my constantly reminding myself that I was wasting these precious moments. Now my sons are 4 and 6. Sadly, I don’t have a lot of great memories of their baby days. But you know what? They don’t have any memories of their baby days, and so the truth is that it works out the way it is supposed to. I used those days to get myself healthy (and I still use some days to work on that even now), and that was the best way to spend those days. Even if my kids did remember those difficult dark days, I do not think their memories would be “Mommy didn’t clean the house or take a shower for 3 straight weeks!!” I think they would remember that we took a lot of naps, or maybe that they saw me cry. Here’s the thing: They were not broken by my imperfections. Maybe I don’t have a ton of memories of interacting with a smiley, cooing newborn. But I’m making memories now, and the best part is that they are too. They love me even though I get sad. Your son loves you, too. My husband didn’t understand what I was going through, but he did want me to be better. And both of us knew that he couldn’t “fix” me. But you do need support, and maybe your man doesn’t have the empathy to give it to you right now because he’s never experienced what you are experiencing. I can’t tell you how to fix your own depression, but I can tell you that I eventually had to force myself to face down the anxiety and let other mothers help and support me. And I can tell you that where you are right now emotionally is not a permanent place. It is a hard place, but not a forever place. You DO deserve resect and support, and there’s more than one place to get it. Hugs to you.

  3. Kamille Says:
    April 25th, 2012 at 11:57 am

    Hi, Your totally not alone. I just wanted to post a link to an article that I wrote after my oldest son was born. I think it’s important for mothers to share their experiences, feelings and thoughts. Thanks for sharing.

    ezinearticles.com/?The-Secret-No-Mother-Will-Tell-You&id=550022

  4. Cassandra Says:
    April 26th, 2012 at 1:54 am

    I usually don’t reply to posts but yours sounded like me after my first pregnancy and sometimes even now during my third. Even now I have a wonderful husband (not for my first child though) that will do whatever it takes for me to be healthy and happy….I still have WEEKS at a time when I feel like you do. It’s hard. I can’t say it changes drastically….but it does shift. The babies get older. They start developing personalities. You find after a while that they become your best little buddies and when raised right they get to be better company than most adults you know. And there is nothing NOTHING funnier than a toddler. They’re nuts. Plain crazy. You find something that makes you feel better about yourself or who you are. I have that cooking/baking bug too. And if not kept in check I’d be big as a house now. (although the depression did make me gain some weight) So I trolled YouTube and the web on cooking classes and techniques…brushed up on basics and am now told by everyone who eats my food how fabulous I am. (BIG peacock feathers…lol) I even made treats for neighbors I didn’t even know just to get some recognition and to help me feel like I was “real” and a person and not just a machine. And trust me…if your neighbor is a mother…you showing up with baked goods and a baby won’t be abnormal. We ALL understand to some degree. Those “supermoms”? I tried that once…they’re all medicated BTW. Some heavily. You don’t think you can do what they do? Hunny….most are WAY older than you and have YEARS of this crud under their belt. They have learned all the tricks to making things tick. Including mass amounts of caffine. You learn those little things that make things go by quicker and easier. It gets to a point that you can run the house and your children so smoothly that your husband has no idea how to function without you. When I was in my early twenties (and I’m only 29 now) I was in the same EXACT position as you are. EXACT. It changes SO much as you continue to grow up and the baby grows. Your man NEEDS to address your needs. To beg him under those circumstances and to be left alone with the baby is how mothers and children get hurt.That is NOT ok. Just because one provides monetary value to a home that isn’t where your responsibilities end. You have a human being that soley relies on it’s parent to keep it safe and healthy. So either, as a man, you are in 100% or you need to be out 100%. Look to a local church or health center for counseling. He might need someone outside of the relationship to help him understand what all of this “parenting/partnering stuff” entails. I understand getting up every day and facing the same thing over and over with no change is so danged hard. But it does change, as life continuously does. And I promise you it WILL lead to something wonderful if you make it do so. I hope to keep hearing from you and eager to see what changes you have decided to make. Do something insane with your hair. Get a fake tan. Learn to do something stupid (but fun). Make the time go by because as it does something is bound to shift for you. Soon you can start looking into daycare…even part time. Or do what I did and find financial aid at the local community college and take classes on something you’re interested in. There’s nothing that makes a person feel valuable like a degree of some sort….even if it’s in cross-stitching. :-) Lots of love and light from San Diego.

  5. Cindy Says:
    April 26th, 2012 at 2:29 am

    I just wanted to say that I totally relate to you that is almost my story except for that my husband didn’t work and I was going to school. I hated myself for missing those days for not having the money to supporot my family because we were both unemployed. I had postpartdum depression too and it was hard because I couldn’t get up and the house was a mess and I couldn’t stand it but I also didn’t do anything about it. My husband didn’t understand me and we fought a lot about the way I felt because I couldn’t even tell him most of it. I would brake down before I said the second sentences of how I was feeling. I just want to say to hold on I still feel like that from time to time but I try my hardest not to feel that way for my son, he deserves to have the best that I can give him. Some days I just leave him in front of the tv because I can’t handle it but other days I take him out for a walk and randomly to the park but I am trying my best for him.

  6. Helen Says:
    April 26th, 2012 at 9:00 am

    I totally relate to your post….this is my first time on this site and your story was the third that I had read….I have been dealing with slight to moderate depression since my teen years…..with my first 4 pregnancies I had some postpartum but nothing to worry about….I played with my children I wanted to be around them……then I had C…..I wanted nothing to do with her….I felt like how Brooke Shields felt….I wanted to get rid of her…..I fed her, bathed her, dressed her because I had too…..I am thankful that my bf was not working at that time….he took over and let me deal with what I was going thru…..my oldest boy who was going thru some issues himself went to live with his father for the summer….I took the entire summer for me to come to terms with what was going on….I finally got some help from the doctor…..since that time I have not been the same nor will I ever be the same…my depression is constant….I too feel the same for weeks on end….like im not worth the air I breath….nothing I do or say is right….I absolutely know where you are coming from…..i have hope it will get better as should you!!

  7. Maria Ashot Says:
    April 26th, 2012 at 10:42 am

    Darling! Stop beating yourself up inside!

    You may need those medications you have been given — or you may not. I am glad they are helping you.

    But let me tell you, as a Mother of 3 grown, soon to be 55, with a daughter who found herself suddenly pregnant at 21, and now has a 2 year old at 24 — with the father not in the picture at all: PREGNANCY IS IN AND OF ITSELF TRAUMATIC.

    Add Birth.

    Add caring for an infant, without benefit of any full-time help.

    Most new Moms are a wreck inside over what they have to deal with — whether they admit it or not. This is especially the case with a first pregnancy & baby.

    The women of the world have been done a huge disservice by the folks who keep claiming that giving birth is some great, big, wonderful, natural, “orgasmic” picnic. It is nothing of the sort. For the 1 in 1 000 000 women who “enjoyed” giving birth: Good for You, but please — PLEASE! — recognize that you are the Exception, not the Rule.

    Being The Mom is tougher than being the Dad (unless you are one of those who now hire “gestational carriers”). Being The Mom to a Newborn (first six months) is absolutely the hardest job on earth, bar none — whether you breastfeed or not, but especially if you are breastfeeding. Being the Mom to a child aged Six Months to 3 Years is the Second Hardest Job on Earth.

    That you feel upset is not necessarily “PPD” (could be, but could also just be being smart & being exhausted & being frustrated).

    By the way, the symptoms of thyroid imbalance (Hypothyroidism, Hyperthyroidism, & some women luck out & get both at once) are very similar to “post-partum depression.” It is worse if you are intolerant to certain foods, such as gluten, or dairy, or eggs. It is also worse if you are trying to diet, to exercise, to “get back” your body.

    The cruellest lie of all is that no one warned you how your skin and body would be harmed by the pregnancy!

    But cheer up: it is not like you don’t have company. Look around you: just about every single Mom you see who actually gestated her own children is in exactly the same boat — except for the ones who had tummy tucks, which I am told by trusted friends hurt even more than giving birth…

    You will find a man who will love your post-baby nakedness, and with time you will stop thinking it is unattractive to have that squishy, seersucker tummy.

    Yes, creams will help. The really expensive creams work; you just have to apply them diligently and in substantial amounts, for like a whole year (longer if you start a while after the stretch marks appeared) and they make a huge difference. My daughter looks ten times better than I ever did; I applied the creams to her myself, morning and at bedtime — something I never bothered with myself (just shifted into a one-piece swimsuit & said, so what?).

    I will give you 2 pieces of invaluable practical advice, my dearest Young Mommy:

    (1) Get to know the website womentowomen.com. Read up about hormonal imbalances. These are amazing Lady Doctors who literally reversed my daughter’s physical & mental health with their supplements. When you can afford to buy their stuff, do it. It works. It is an investment in your own lifelong health & consequently your baby’s well-being.

    You would be amazed how few “serious doctors” (including some women OBs) actually know about the crucial role played by the Adrenal Glands & the Thyroid Gland in a Mother’s ability to be The Great Mom she wants to be!

    (2) Make sure you get enough sleep. Sleep whenever baby sleeps. When he is crying “for no apparent reason” and won’t stop, he is either teething (which is a shocking & distressing thing for him) or hungry. You may think he has eaten enough, but he is growing & he has a very tiny stomach, so don’t be surprised if he wants “goodies” in his mouth all the time. But first check to see if his gums are red (drooling is a sure sign of teething) & don’t be shy with the Baby Ora-jel — keep administering it. Ice chips also help numb the pain.

    Forget the housework. Focus on baby & sleeping as much as you possibly can, because without sleep you can’t function. Everything else can wait.

    Remember: yes, you had your first (maybe only?) child young — but for hundreds of years, thousands even, our foremothers were forced into marriages & pregnancies at 13, at 14… They had it much harder than we do, even so-called “princesses” and “queens”… So even if it seems young to you, 21 is not too young. You should not AT ALL be embarrassed or ashamed.

    The economy is in the toilet at the moment. Being a great Mom, you are investing in your own future, and by the time the economy begins to get back to normal, you will be in the ideal situation to flow back into School or Work or whatever your next preferred choice is…

    I was 27, not 21, with my first, but it was a hard time, too: my Mom had terminal cancer & I was getting divorced from a real piece of work who pretty much ruined my life.

    The son I had then is My Best Friend now. Seriously. I married again, really well, to a fantastic Dad who has been quite a good husband (some might say a perfect husband, but as we get older we spend more time doing things apart by choice — no hard feelings).

    You will discover, around 40, that you have an amazing grown man for a son who is a credit to the human race — and that you are still gorgeous, that you are at the top of your game, finally Know Everything & Feel just about divine.

    There is lots to look forward to.

    Write back, or look me up on Amazon, if you like — or never write me at all, only remember: YOU ARE AN AMAZING, HONOURABLE, BRILLIANT, INTELLIGENT, SENSITIVE HUMAN BEING! YOU ARE A MOM! Someone’s Mother! Someone’s “Everything!”

    How cool is that?

    Who cares about the freaks who run the fashion industry & the looney-tunes media? Give them a good laugh!

    Give the weight a good year to come off: it will. Don’t starve yourself while you need to be 100% ON TOP of everything for your baby!

    It took my own precious girl a full TWO YEARS to get back to her pre-pregnancy weight… And about 17 months of those 2 years involved a couple of sessions a week at the gym (but rarely more than 30 mins at a stretch, since what new Mom has the time?)

    Yes, she was lucky to have me to help & the family to help pay the bills, even in hard times. But she has no man in her life & it will be some time before she can date seriously, plus there is still school to finish…

    But she has a great little boy!

    There is no rule, no Commandment, no law, nothing cast in stone anywhere that says a woman’s life has to unfold according to some stupid cookie-cutter timetable… You yourself are one of God’s Own Amazing Works of Art.

    Relax & as much as possible focus on the positive, and on all that is Yet Possible… You won’t be taking those pills forever! (And if you can spare $10, buy yourself a cheap copy of “THE FEMALE BRAIN” from Amazon, then read it a little at a time. You will feel Empowered, Sister!)

  8. mrspetunia Says:
    April 26th, 2012 at 4:25 pm

    Having been depressed on and off since I was about 13, I’ve come to know a thing or two about hunkering down through the dark days. I don’t want to suggest that the same thing will work for you as did for me but I’ll at least fill you in on some of my tricks. Used to be, I’d beat myself up good for “being lazy” , “being shy”, “being useless”, being…whatever. You know how it is, after a while you can even fault yourself for the way you hold a fork. Nothing is right! Anyway, that never worked. Self ridicule changed nothing. So now, when I can muster it, I treat myself as I would a slightly demented but well meaning old lady. If I feel like sitting on the couch and eating gummy bears all day I simply say to self, “Well go ahead deary, you just eat those gummy bears to your heart’s content”. If I don’t feel like getting dressed I say, “those jammies are so comfy. You would be silly to take them off!” OK, I’ll admit it seems ridiculous, but you ARE sick and you do deserve to be treated super kindly and gently, even if you have to do it yourself. Plus, when I give myself complete permission to fall apart, I seem to eventually get my shit together a little sooner. I really hope that you find your way out of this soon. So many of us have been there and it’s such a yucky place to be. I also agree with the other poster, being pregnant, giving birth, and raising an infant is HARD! Of course we go a wee bit off, who wouldn’t? Hang in there girly, we’re all rooting for you!

  9. Stephanie Says:
    April 26th, 2012 at 8:37 pm

    Babies are hard. Getting out of the house wih a baby ( who seems to need to keep or eat every 2 hours) can seem IMPOSSIBLE. And nt worh the effort, until the end of the day when you realize you have done nothing and seen no one. I’m lucky in that I’m close to our library and can do storytime. Is there one near you? It helped me- and cause it was for the babies, I didn’t have to interact much with anyone :-) . Some days (many days!) I’ve had to force myself to do it, even though I didn’t want to. It did make me feel better, though.

  10. Diane Says:
    April 26th, 2012 at 8:51 pm

    Hon, your post rings with postpartum mood stuff. Hopefully when you went in to the doctor they also did a full blood panel to rule out the things Maria mentioned about thyroid etc. Thyroid imbalance can mimic PPD.

    There are resources and other moms out here who understand postpartum depression. Call, chat, discuss, tweet. Those moms are very very supportive, as they understand what you are saying.

    Here are a few places to start. http://www.postpartum.net (has people in most states, has a warmline, and a ton of support), on Twitter #PPDchat, http://www.ppdsupportpage.com and there’s a good group on BabyCenter.com–postpartum depression, anxiety and related topics.

    As for your meds, it really helps to take them consistently. And if you are still on the same dose as the day you started the meds, and feeling “meh” still talk to your doctor. It’s possibly time for an increase–they are meant to be increased. It would be too uncomfortable to start out on an effective dose–one has to taper up to their own most effective level. They can work, and work really well. Talk to your doc. You’ll feel better and better.

    Warmly,
    Diane

  11. kenzie Says:
    April 27th, 2012 at 12:37 am

    Thank you so much for writing this. I’m glad to know that I’m not the only mommy with a dirty house, greasy hair, and a baby that watches way to much tv because I cant will myself to get off the couch and actually have fun with him. My guilt is killing me. I too, have blurred memories of him as a newborn and it makes me so sad to think about how much I missed out on. I want my boyfriend to read this article and to realize I’m not just a shitty mom who doesn’t care. I have tried to get help, but my doctor brushes it off like its no big deal.
    Again, thank you for sharing. I think this and the replies from other mommys will help me a lot.

  12. Holly Says:
    April 28th, 2012 at 4:25 pm

    I really had to tell you, this instatly made me cry. It was exactly like looking at a movie of my old life ater my kids were first born. My husband was very non supportive and never home, eventually he cheated and left me. I am now… four years later, a depression free strong single mother of 5 and 6 year old kids. Things will get better. you have to fal in love with your kids and when you are depressed its alost impossible. I too dont remember the first year or so of my sons life for much the same reasons as you. Get help and support of other moms and of family if you can, and if need be, go on meds.. i did and i truly believe it saved my life. You are a miracle and just brought a gift to the world, men can never begin to understand our depth and wisdom, they can never know what its like. You are loved and needed by your son and loved ones.. the weight will go and so will the time, so try hard to stay focused and take time for yourself but also make time for the little guy.. do something together that makes you laugh.. learn the joys of motherhood one minute at a time :) love and ight to you, stay strong mama :)

  13. M Says:
    April 30th, 2012 at 11:04 am

    Like most people posted, I normally don’t comment but a few of your paragraphs were practically taken from my journal. I can relate completely and I agree with what the other mothers have said. Trying to find something you enjoy that doesn’t hurt you (I know pinterst and facebook always makes me feeling even more depressed, ugly, and unaccomplished). Cassandra is right, those supermoms are super medicated and older than us (I’m 25). I’ve spent my sons’ first year trying to find a hobby I enjoyed and found it was my first love, music. I learned mandolin (which was easy because of years of violin lessons) and now I play songs and sing to my son and he LOVES IT. He dances even. Point is, I found something that makes me happy and in the end included him and made us connect even more. I still have those days but I realized my husband isn’t worth a damn and I need to do things for myself. It was overwhelming, but ultimately I need to rely on me. Plus my parents are super-supportive. Are they anywhere in your life? If so, they need to step up and help you.

    Good luck, mama. You’re doing the best you can.

  14. Rebekah Says:
    May 3rd, 2012 at 10:06 pm

    While I don’t fancy myself depressed or have had ppd, I’ve had those days two. Im married to a man in the military (we met while I was still in as well). Hes gone most of the time training,I have a two year old and a 17month old. I’m guilty of popping a movie in and not interacting with the girls. And I feel guilt most when I see photos of my friends with their kids painting. Most of us have these days at one time or another. Sometimes I find myself getting so irritated and almost angry with them over the stupid little things that I miss out on the joy they can give. It’s hard being a mom. You are not alone, even women without depression feel these feelings.

  15. Ericka Says:
    May 8th, 2012 at 10:35 pm

    I’m so sorry your going through this. I’m 23 and have a 4 year old little boy and a 2 year old little girl. After my little boy was born, I would have horrble mood swings, didn’t want to be around anyone either, (living in a house full of people). Whenever we left the hospital, I honestly was home sick to go back; even thought about calling and asking to come stay for another week or two. I didn’t know anything about taking care of a baby. Thank God my sister and mamaw was there to help me, although I didn’t want them to mess with my baby. I felt like I needed to hold him, and for him to be with me 24-7. That, in itself can drive you crazy. With my doing that, I did what everyone around me told me I would., spoiled him horribly. I didn’t want to take him out of the house, maybe somewhat because I didn’t want to go out. When he was about 3 months old, we moved into a place by ourselves. I felt like his daddy didn’t love me, because he had to work. Like you whenver he’d come home I’d hound him if he was late, mostly just taking out my hurt on him. We argued all the time,. I felt hopeless, useless and felt that my life was over because I had a baby. That nothing would ever be the same, and that for the next 18 years, My life revolved around my baby, and mine stopped. Then I found out I was pregnant with my little girl, and thats when me and my babies father broke up. He went to prison and I had to take care of our little boy and new baby. I found out then what he was talking about with having to go to work the stress it brings having to pay all the bills yourself, worrying about money..I regreted being so hard on him, and realized that just because I’ve had kids, that doesn’t mean my life stops; its just beginning. I learnt that my body will go up and down, and only I can control how I look. I realized that my body will never be the same, and learnt to be happy with it. (Also that a tan makes anyone look better ;) Now I’m a stay at home mom again. I’m enjoying it, loving spending time with my babies, cooking, cleaning laundry and catering to my man, because I know how hard he works, and how stressful that can be. I still have days when I feel hopeless and want to scream and just run away, but not nearly as much. We have a new apprecation for each other that we’d never had if we hadn’t went through all we went through. It seems hopeless right now, but I promise things will get better. Its like waiting on something really important or special and you feel like the time will never go by, but life goes on …and there will be a rainbow at the end of the storm.. I hope everything works out for you!

  16. K-- the one who wrote this post :) Says:
    June 16th, 2012 at 7:05 pm

    Oh my goodness…. I’ve been looking for my post, waiting for it to show up on the website for like 2 months now, and I realized today that it’s been here for awhile now! I am OVERWHELMED with the amount of responses and that most of you can relate so well to this. I appreciate all of your responses, so much. They were so thoughtful, and I did read every one of them thoroughly. It’s been about 2 months now, I am WORKING now! (Yay!) Liking my job so far, liking my co-workers, feeling happier (especially now that I’m making my own money), my fiance and I are doing better, and when I’m not working I’m trying my hardest to spend all the free time I can with my son. Things are slowly but surely looking up. I PRAY that this brings some hope to some of you… To be in a position where I can honestly say that I’m feeling better is such an amazing thing for me. PLEASE don’t hesitate to get back to me if any of you want to talk. If so, I will find a way to get my email or something to you. KENZIE!– get a new doctor who actually listens to you. Trust me when I say that it’s extremely important to stand up for yourself… especially with something like depression. I still have my days/moments/minutes where I feel like I’m sinking and need a good cry, but I think that’s just the depression sneaking back in every now and then. I’m still taking my meds, though not as consistently as I should be, but I’m hoping to be completely off of them as soon as I can and get back to being ME. Good luck to all of you who replied and could relate…. I’m so happy you could see that you aren’t alone.

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