~Number of pregnancies and births: 2 pregnancies and 2 births
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: Age 4 and 2
(almost 2 years post-partum)
It has taken me a while to come up with the courage to post this, but it marks the beginning of the new me as I can no longer carry on being the old me.
Unfortunately the photos no longer appear and I no longer have them after my computer was stolen. Needless to say, I looked better then than I do after 2 children. The scars you see on my body explained in
my previous post. I don’t want to explain them again.
Following the birth of my first child I suffered with severe post-natal depression. It didn’t happen straight away but when my daughter was around 8 months old. After a long time caring for my daughter, with my husband overseas, my family living half way round the world, trying to hold down a job when my daughter kept getting sick at childcare mentally I broke down.
My husband returned from overseas to a mental wreck. I was slowly recovering when I accidentally fell pregnant with no. 2. This was the first time we had unprotected sex in our twenty year relationship. My
husband, on the few occasions we chose not to use a condom, would normally withdraw. This time, without consultation he failed to withdraw. I was 38 years old and I wasn’t ready for a child but spiritually I couldn’t face terminating the pregnancy.
So pregnant and still suffering from PPD I carried on… my relationship with my husband has slowly disintegrated as I loathed the person I had become. I didn’t like my depressed personality, the flabby mothers body that failed to birth my first child as it should, failed to feed her. I suffer from horrendous PMT which only serves to make matters worse. I chose an elective c-section for my second. It wasn’t what I wanted but I knew I couldn’t take my body failing to do what it should again and it also meant I could schedule help on a planned birth day.
I’ve found coping with another child that I knew I wasn’t ready for very, very hard.
I look at my body and I don’t know who’s it is. I don’t recognise it.
I don’t know who I am either but for sure for someone who is married with 2 children I know I am intensely lonely.
So today – I say goodbye to this body and I decide to work to loose the excess flab and maybe I can find the old me … and get back my husband .. my life.