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A Few Years On, Another Long Post (Jo)

August 28, 2010

~Age: 40
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2 pregnancies and 2 births
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: Age 4 and 2
(almost 2 years post-partum)

It has taken me a while to come up with the courage to post this, but it marks the beginning of the new me as I can no longer carry on being the old me.

I have posted before …

Unfortunately the photos no longer appear and I no longer have them after my computer was stolen. Needless to say, I looked better then than I do after 2 children. The scars you see on my body explained in
my previous post. I don’t want to explain them again.

Following the birth of my first child I suffered with severe post-natal depression. It didn’t happen straight away but when my daughter was around 8 months old. After a long time caring for my daughter, with my husband overseas, my family living half way round the world, trying to hold down a job when my daughter kept getting sick at childcare mentally I broke down.

My husband returned from overseas to a mental wreck. I was slowly recovering when I accidentally fell pregnant with no. 2. This was the first time we had unprotected sex in our twenty year relationship. My
husband, on the few occasions we chose not to use a condom, would normally withdraw. This time, without consultation he failed to withdraw. I was 38 years old and I wasn’t ready for a child but spiritually I couldn’t face terminating the pregnancy.

So pregnant and still suffering from PPD I carried on… my relationship with my husband has slowly disintegrated as I loathed the person I had become. I didn’t like my depressed personality, the flabby mothers body that failed to birth my first child as it should, failed to feed her. I suffer from horrendous PMT which only serves to make matters worse. I chose an elective c-section for my second. It wasn’t what I wanted but I knew I couldn’t take my body failing to do what it should again and it also meant I could schedule help on a planned birth day.

I’ve found coping with another child that I knew I wasn’t ready for very, very hard.

I look at my body and I don’t know who’s it is. I don’t recognise it.

I don’t know who I am either but for sure for someone who is married with 2 children I know I am intensely lonely.

So today – I say goodbye to this body and I decide to work to loose the excess flab and maybe I can find the old me … and get back my husband .. my life.

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29 Responses to “A Few Years On, Another Long Post (Jo)”

  1. Tabi Says:
    August 28th, 2010 at 7:40 am

    You have amazing boobs!

  2. Bryana Says:
    August 28th, 2010 at 9:27 am

    I cried, I cried like a baby.
    This entry is so raw, so real, and how so many of us feel but choose to hide. Behind closed doors and fake smiles, we are falling apart and ashamed of “who we have become”. This is sad, and needs to change.
    That being said, you are a beautiful woman; outside and in. You have an amazing way with words and honesty. As sad as your entry is, it is also very uplifting, knowing that it is time to try to change, so matter how long it takes.
    I hope your endeavors to find yourself again are successful, as I believe they will be. I think you are a beautiful woman, wife, and mother. I believe we all need to be honest with ourselves.
    Thank you for sharing and I would love to hear an update as to how you are doing. :)

  3. Portia Says:
    August 28th, 2010 at 9:47 am

    *Tear* You don’t look bad at all, but I know you won’t hear that. I’m an honest person, unlike other women who may comment after me, I’m not going to tell you that because you have 2 wonderful children that how you feel about your body shouldn’t matter. Truth is if more moms were honest about having children and how they feel about themselves after the fact the world would be a better place for them. They wouldn’t be so overwhelmed, so depressed because the pressure to always be happy being a mom despite how you truly feel wouldn’t be there. We hide behind the thought that because we created a gift to the world we shouldn’t be sad about losing who we were before. Society has drilled this into us since the beginning of time. It is very sad because women suffer silently afraid to voice their discontentment. I will say that if it will make you happy, do what you need to do to at least feel somewhat okay with your body.

  4. Stephanie Says:
    August 28th, 2010 at 10:01 am

    The steps you are taking require so much courage — you must believe that you will return to yourself, you will not always be depressed — stay open to possibility and recognize your beauty, right now in this moment.

    You are not alone: I have been where you are and many other women as well I am sure. For me, practicing mindfulness, letting go of expectations, and compassion are the things that pull me through.

    Blessings on your journey.

  5. jen Says:
    August 28th, 2010 at 11:00 am

    you look incredibly great right now. i can’t even imagine how amazing you’re going to look/feel after the change you want to achieve. good luck, keep us posted. we’re here to support your goals!!

  6. KW Says:
    August 28th, 2010 at 2:21 pm

    This may or may not be what you’re looking to hear, but I’ll speak honestly as well. When I started reading your post, I was expecting…well…a lot worse than what I saw. Ok, not WORSE, but a big of a different shape and arrangement of tissues.

    I think it’s your mind that really needs a bit of healing (as you’ve described) instead of your body, and though your body may or may not look like it used to before kids, it seriously looks pretty damn good to me! AWESOME boobs, not a large tummy, great shape and proportion. I would be super happy to look like that, and you are absolutely within the realm of the aesthetic woman.

    I’d get to a point where you feel better mentally. Your family is just starting out; you guys have a long road together, and make it as joyous as possible. Therapy and perhaps some meds can make a HUGE difference for you and all the relationships in your life. Your body will be a joy to work on if you wake up with some hope every day. Good luck!

  7. Marz Says:
    August 28th, 2010 at 3:25 pm

    There is no way you’re 40 years old; WOW. I hope I look as good as you do when I reach that age (i’m 23 right now).
    I know what it’s like to hate the body that you’re in– i’ve been struggling with an eating disorder since I was 10 and got so depressed at how I looked that I was cutting myself (I’ve since recovered from the latter).
    Anyways, what mean to say is that I understand no matter how many times you hear someone say you’re beautiful/sexy/bootilicious/etc it’s never going to actually change your opinion of yourself. It’s like being stuck in quicksand when you’re unhappy with how you look.
    For what it counts, I think you’re rocking the MILF look :) if you ever feel like ranting just for the sake of it, my email is psychomarz@hotmail.com
    good luck on your workout routine– sometimes he endorphines make you feel much better than the numbers on the scale or the reflection in the mirror ever could.

  8. mrs. petunia Says:
    August 28th, 2010 at 4:19 pm

    Oh, I just wish I could reach out and hug you. It’s SO hard to be so lonely! You’re post was incredibly powerful and touching. I could just feel your pain. I have been in that place and I know how dark and awful it is. Therapy and meds have helped me to get some perspective so maybe they might work for you too. At any rate, I hope that you are able to find some help getting to a better place. You absolutely deserve it. As for your body, you look really wonderful and have the most beautiful breasts. Good luck on your journey and thanks for sharing. I can’t believe how courageous you are just to share what so many of us are feeling. THANK YOU

  9. Shannon Says:
    August 29th, 2010 at 6:01 am

    I have to be honest…you look GREAT! I am 24 and have had 2 cesareans as well, you look way better than I do (way better)…and I am still irresistible to my husband, as I am sure you are to yours! Also, your scar from your previous surgery is not bad, and I am sure it is a daily reminder of how precious life is, you made it through the surgery alive…and then went on to have 2 healthy children! You also tried harder than most women to nurse!!! There are a lot of women who don’t even try, and if they do then they still don’t last as long as you did…how brave of you. What a wonderful mother to go through that pain to try to nurse her child. You look amazing, and I hope you feel it soon :)

  10. Jolie Says:
    August 29th, 2010 at 7:16 am

    Wow, this is a very powerful story. I dont have children, but I have been coming to this site for a few months. I am terrified of getting pregant becuase of what it may do to my body. YOUR post pregnancy figure makes me feel better about pregnancy. You look amazing. Really, you have a beautiful figure. Please keep working on yourself and pushing forward. You are inspiring.

  11. Tracy Says:
    August 29th, 2010 at 7:27 pm

    You look amazing, and I know how hard it is to not recognize yourself and not know who you are anymore. It helps hearing others posts and it sounding similar in ways to my own, thanx for your post.

  12. Nina Says:
    August 29th, 2010 at 7:39 pm

    seriously? you look so great and i wish you could see that. but i also know how bad post partum depression can be. i contemplated suicide after my baby…and i felt i had real trouble bonding with her. i got some therapy and zoloft and progressively got better (within a few months) such a relief. i also had a c-section but it was elective. i was so flipping scared of doing it vaginally. plus she was a big baby…i got lot of stretch marks. it’s been 3 1/2 years and they are still there, but i wore a bikini this summer for the first time. basically i just said fuck it. i’m doing it if i want to and if someone thinks i look bad then oh well! lol!

    my grandmother died last march of lung and brain cancer. i literally sat there with my mom and watched her take her last breaths and die in her own home. after that i realized if i don’t live my life for myself to the fullest, then when i am going to die, i will be so disappointed that i didn’t live life everyday with courage and happiness. is that easy? eh…no and i have some bad days too; it’s normal. but, damn, if this is the only life we get i’m not going to sit around comparing my body to jennifer aniston’s. i work out when i can and i try to eat healthy, but i have to be careful that i don’t become obsessed with it. besides, jennifer aniston and all celebrities are PAID to look lovely so that’s like their full-time job; that’s all they do! i don’t get paid to look hot, i get paid to work at a computer! Lol! That doesn’t mean i let myself go, it just puts it into perspective.

    anyway, you’ll find yourself again. i did it. it’s not easy but sometimes it just starts with small things: pedicures, taking a class, blocking out times in the evening to go for a walk alone to think.

    i love your story. it IS real. and it’s a problem i think lots of women have. you miss the old you. your life changes after babies. it’s a definite adjustment, but you gotta accept yourself and learn about this new you! this is a new book! being a mama shows you things about yourself that you wouldn’t have known otherwise. please be kind to yourself. as my grandma used to say, “love and prayers” and “this too shall pass.” much love, nina

  13. Tiphanie Says:
    August 29th, 2010 at 7:49 pm

    I think you have a very alluring figure. I feel ya on the Post partum though,, and NO ONE can say anything to change the way you feel , it has to come from within. I also feel you on the spiritual part,, and I know thats why IM making leaps and bounds,, Pray when you feel the worst and when happiness gives you an inch,, take that and run with it!! When im feeling really down on myself,, like there is nothing good about me,, I look at my daughter and say mommy loves you and she gives me the brightest grin, and I know I’ve done something right. Hold tight to your blessings,, put on that push up bra (not that you need one ) with some high heels and stand in front of that mirror and KNOW you were created to be not only a mother,, but a WOMAN!!!! God Bless!!

  14. brittany Says:
    August 29th, 2010 at 10:30 pm

    im 20 you 40 and your boobs are 90 times perkier then mine… very jelous.

  15. Kristen Says:
    August 30th, 2010 at 11:51 am

    I suffered from post partum. I took drugs for awhile and I sought councelling. I was determined to deal with depression better than I saw my mother and gradmother deal with it. These two treatments are vitally important to your recovery, but even more important is your relationship with God and relationships with other people. Ask for help. Get out of the house. Work or volunteer a few hours. If you can’t afford child care start asking around your friends for swapping baby sitting. Exercise. We call it sweating at our house. “Have you sweat today?” This illness is real, but there are things you can do to recover. Good luck and God bless.

  16. meredith Says:
    August 30th, 2010 at 3:14 pm

    Wow…women pay good money to have boobs like yours. You look fabulous! As wonderful as motherhood is, it’s also very isolating, exhausting, and lonely much of the time. Thanks for bringing this to light and know that you’re not the only one struggling with this. Hang in there.

  17. Notchick Says:
    August 31st, 2010 at 9:30 am

    I really “felt” you when I read your entry. I too have 2 children, live far away from my family and have a husband that works away. I have too suffered from PPD and I know how hard it is to keep it all together. But, there’s always a but, I wouldn’t have changed any of it for anything. No matter how tough times are, they too will pass. One thing though, stop being so damn hard on yourself!! you’re human, you’ve birthed 2 kids (who don’t have it tatooed on their foreheads how they entered the world) and you cope with a lot day to day. Hang in there, I’ll be thinking about you from the other side of the world!

  18. Nicole Says:
    August 31st, 2010 at 6:52 pm

    well I have to say I did expect to see alot different then what you have, when you said battle scar I starting thinking of the scar on leg (big chunk of meat outta that one) but yeah i was thinkin gory shiny pink, but i really had to look to see you scar, most likly cuz i was to consernd about how good yo boobs look mine are all scary and strech marked and sagy and im only 19! i have twins im almost2 years pp, but i hope yu reach the place your lookin for and accept your bedy however it looks, it takes alot, im not gonna liee it takes work and determination,for me i exersiced, dieted everthing even stood in front of the mirror crying at what i seen everyday, for as long as i could, looking at my body rationlizing with myself about how i looked, picking out all the good things, until finaly ii could look in the mirror and like what i see.

  19. DL Says:
    September 1st, 2010 at 7:21 am

    wow Nina that sounds like when my mother passed away..she had the same thing as your grandmother and me and my sisters watched her take her last breath, I almost cried reading your comment because my mother also would say this too shall pass and it got me through ALOT! very well written comment = )

  20. Carolyn Says:
    September 2nd, 2010 at 11:20 pm

    Thank you for being honest and I hope you can find the support you need (from your family as well as from us).

    Also I’m insanely jealous of you boobs, haha, I’m 22 and mine aren’t half as nice.

  21. Witchmother Says:
    September 5th, 2010 at 2:29 am

    I had to comment because sheesh your breasts are so beautiful! I could only dream of having such perfect and lovely breasts as yours. I think I would have to walk around topless everyday if I were you. Granted your body might not be how it used to be and what you liked yourself to be, but let me tell you I could only dream of having a body like yours. You are my “idea” shape and you have the most beautiful beasts I have ever seen! I really feel you have the most PERFECT womanly body I have seen and I would love to have your shape ;)

  22. Dee Says:
    September 9th, 2010 at 1:06 am

    I’m 22 and i’ve NEVER had a baby and your boobs look way better than mine. They are saggy and deflated for no reason at all. Enjoy your body.

  23. Leah Says:
    September 13th, 2010 at 12:55 pm

    at least your nipples are in the right place! dont take that for granted! lol – i wish my boobs looked like that! lmao

  24. samantha Says:
    September 22nd, 2010 at 3:33 pm

    your beautiful, your boobs are perky and gorgeous, and i wish my stomach looked like that

  25. shawna Says:
    November 1st, 2010 at 1:42 am

    I think you look great after children. You seriously have perfect breasts. I feel everything you feel accept I have no husband, no children, no friends. I may have a nice body but I would trade it in a heartbeat for love. I have been diagnosed with hpv and I may not be able to have children. Everytime I find out someone is pregnant or see someone pregnant I get so sad, because I so deeply desire it and really always have. Society puts too much pressure on woman to be perfect, while men can look like slobs. Your body may be different, but remember that you have 2 beautiful children, you gave life to 2 people and that is the most amazing thing in the world.

  26. Tammy Says:
    March 27th, 2011 at 8:21 pm

    Those are the most amazing boobs I have ever seen!! I am really jelous

  27. Bunny Says:
    December 1st, 2011 at 8:15 pm

    I have a headache so I don’t wanna read it all but wow! Your boobs are awesome. I was looking at this post and and my husband saw it over my shoulder and gave me a funny look. I told him it’s a website for women who’ve had children and he said yeah right, new moms don’t typically get breast implants. I said they’re real and he said they’re too perfect to be real. Lol he’s obv wrong but they do look perfect. I haven’t had a child and i envy you’re breasts. Amazing!

  28. Amanda Says:
    February 2nd, 2012 at 12:40 pm

    Amazing breasts!!!

  29. justathought Says:
    September 25th, 2012 at 8:04 am

    You look like that at 40 after two kids? Um, can we trade? I’m 35, saggy, baggy with 3 kids. I’d take your body in a NY minute!

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