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A Dream Un-Attained (so far) – (Anonymous)

October 14, 2008

I have one beautiful daughter who is two years old and I hated my body afterward. I was single and I thought that no one would ever be attracted to me. I was disgusted by myself, and I couldn’t understand how anyone would want to have sex with me. When Brenna was 7 months old a friend of mine asked me on a date… I didn’t realize it was that kind of date until he started acting awkward and stammering with his words. It worked out and we are now married. He’s beautiful grumpy and we’re very happy together… We’re yin and yang.. and it’s just perfect. He’s 10 years older than me and has been wanting his own spawn for quite some time. After we got married we decided to have another baby, and we got pregnant very easily. A few days ago I thought I was 12 weeks pregnant. We went in for our first ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. They performed a D&C. And when I woke up the next morning the painful realization that I was not pregnant, doubled me over and I crumbled back into bed. I finally did get up and I looked in the mirror at the wreck my body is from 1 baby and how I’d wished it was still full. I feel so empty… like I felt after I had my daughter except I had her to show for it… This time I just feel empty. I know we’ll get pregnant and try again, but for now my body is just a reminder that I’m not pregnant anymore.





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14 Responses to “A Dream Un-Attained (so far) – (Anonymous)”

  1. mother2 Says:
    October 14th, 2008 at 12:01 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss. Grieve it. It helped me to name my unborn child to cope with the loss. You are a beautiful girl and are blessed to have found someone who loves you and your body.

  2. Christine Says:
    October 14th, 2008 at 1:57 pm

    You are a beautiful girl and don’t think otherwise. I also had a missed miscarriage (that is what it sounded like), I was suppose to be 12w 2 days and the baby passed at 10w 1d. I know how difficult it is to go through. It’s been a year and a half since then now. Email me if you ever need to talk.

    Christine

  3. Sebrina Says:
    October 15th, 2008 at 9:50 am

    I know your pain all too well too. I totally understand the emptiness you are feeling. That is exactly how I felt. I was 11 weeks along, but my baby never went beyond 5 weeks. I still feel the pain from it and it’s been almost 10 years. Just know that the next baby you have will be that much more special to you. You are a beautiful couple.

  4. carrie Says:
    October 15th, 2008 at 3:21 pm

    Youre beautiful!! Im glad you found a good man! I hope you get pregnant soon!!

  5. Lela Says:
    October 16th, 2008 at 3:48 am

    I am so sorry for your loss. You and your hubby are ADORABLE together and you will get through it together.

    Best wishes for your recovery and peace.

  6. s Says:
    October 17th, 2008 at 7:35 am

    you look just like me! Im sorry for your loss. thanks for posting your picture.

  7. KeB Says:
    October 18th, 2008 at 4:44 pm

    Oh Sweetie, I’m so sorry for your loss!
    And I’m wishing you all the best and good luck for the future.

  8. MilkMama Says:
    October 22nd, 2008 at 3:29 pm

    You are gorgeous! And you have such a wonderful husband! You found a great guy!

  9. Kate Says:
    November 30th, 2008 at 8:38 pm

    I just wanted to say THANK YOU for posting. I’m 14 months PP and I hardly think my body is attractive. I’m a single mom and there is a someone I’m thinking of dating but I always think who would want to sleep with someone with a tummy like mine. My tummy disgusts me it surely would make someone else want to barf. So I’ve been turning down date after date cause I’m so paranoid that it might get to the point and as soon as they would see my tummy they’d run. You and your husband look like a cute couple and you are beautiful! And I’m sorry for your loss…I can’t imagine the grief you must feel.

  10. Lee Says:
    March 10th, 2009 at 3:29 pm

    wow your gorgeous, you have a beautiful face too…any guy would be proud to date you, i mean if you were single. things will work out soon enough :)

  11. Mariella Says:
    July 8th, 2014 at 9:20 am

    Hi. My name is Mariella. I’m responding over 5yrs later, I hope I’m not too late. Not sure if u still check up on this… first, I would like to say me congratulations on your beautiful pregnancy regardless of how it ended. You are blessed with a beautiful “angel baby”. And for that, you are special. My story is a bit similar. Only more recent… i lost my baby boy Christian on June 26, 2014. I was a little over 5 months pregnant. 21 weeks, and 3 days, to be exact… and I gave birth to him, sack, fluid, and baby perfectly intact. This is all still so new, so raw, so horrifying and confusing! And in this short but never ending amount of time that I have had to live with this grief, i have started to truly believe things may happen for a reason. Like me stumbling across this website, only throughhave Googling infant loss memorials and keepsakes, and the reason I even clicked on the link was due to your pictures, I had no idea it had anything to do with me what I was really looking for. Just seeing the pictures alone, not knowing why they were there, intrigued me and made me wonder who is this amazing, beautiful, and ballsy woman? And how did I get here? From desperation and curiosity. Its all painful, and unfair, and cruel, and vicious, and confusing, and… this is my life. All too real… I also have a six-year-old daughter, a two and a half year old son, a 10 yr old step son who lives with us, a 12yr old step daughter who doesn’t live with us, and as of a month ago, my 11yrI old niece who now lives with me, and we have custody of her. So ontop of this awful nightmare that i cant pinch myself, or wake up out of… i have a barrel of monkeys, to be responsible for. For everyone else in my life, life goes on, everyone has already forgotten, or I’m just angry and paranoid… I feel as if… i dno? It feels like i’m expected to be out and about and act happy and normal with a grin on my face and a pep in my step now because I finally went a day without a 6hour mid-day nap, or because for the first time, i’m able to talk for more than 10minever WITHOUT sobbing and in hysterics. I almost feel like I its not okay to cry “as much”. I’m so grateful for my amazing husband, he has been understanding, comforting, available, nurturing, and accepting of my crazy outbursts, or my random hatred of the anything not working or not doing its job as an inanimate object. He’s ok with me washing dishes, and suddenly staring off into space, then suddenly drop a glass and run off in tears. He delicately talks me out of my own crazy head and slowly and cautiously steers me away from ALL the Whata ifs and But if I onlys, and the WHYS!!! My husband, Joe, has alwaysto been my very best friend, and he feared that this tragedy might ruin our near-perfect relationship. Thank God it’s been just about the total opposite.Anyway, im rambling. Thank you for this opportunity to vent. And again, congrats and un the same, deep breathe, I’m so so sorry for your loss. And kudos for the pics. What let me really was how sexy I felt being pregnant. I always have felt amazing in my skin while pregnant. So now, after 5months of carrying my Angel baby, Christian, my body was a big, round, empty shell. Then, slowly deflated to an odd, lava lamp goop- shape front, and a small school boy- shape back. And from the side, … an obviously no longer pregnant, sad and empty- shape side profile… your picture inspired me. I hope my words can help someone, at least to feel like theyre not totally alone, when you feel EXCRUCIATINGLY ALONE!! – Mariella, “Mommy of an Angel, too Beautiful for Earth.” Christian Angel Bruzzi. June, 26, 2014. “Carried for months, held for hours, missed FOREVER, loved for ETERNITY!!!”

  12. Left me in tears Says:
    July 8th, 2014 at 10:50 am

    I should have been there with you baby.
    Dad

  13. Kelly Says:
    July 8th, 2014 at 4:40 pm

    You are so very brave my sweet friend, to put this out there & every bit as beautiful inside & outside that you have always been. You have a relationship with your husband that will endure the longest of nights & the darkest of days; your love is for each other first and foremost, wholly & unconditionally. That makes you both very lucky people. And you, Joey & your big barrel of monkeys..are loved so very, very much ??

  14. Mariella Says:
    July 10th, 2014 at 12:10 pm

    I relate my pain to that of a drug addict in the peak of their withdrawl. THE ACHES, My breasts ache from the flow of , the now, useless breastmilk. My heart aches terribly, for all the hopes and dreams I had for my child. I did not just lose a “baby”. I lost the 1 year old, the 11year old, the 16 year old, and 30 year old child that Christian was supposed to become. My arms ache. They reach for my absent, but also very present, baby. THIS INSATIABLE!!! HUNGER WITHIN MY BODY.AND SOUL. As a drug addict would FIEND for their drug. I miss, I grieve, I need, I wish, I crave, I

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