Four weeks ago I delivered my son prematurely by c-section. The fear, stress, and worry were undescribable. Jack was born at 35 weeks weighing only 3lbs. He spent 17 days in the NICU and had surgery to repair bilateral inguinal hernias, then came home with us. I am furious with my body for causing problems during my pregnancy that resulted in a premature baby. It was my job to grow my baby safely and help him to be big and strong — and my body failed at that. So far our son isn’t showing any problems, but if he does in the future, I know who I’ll hold responsible. I gained 30lbs during my pregnancy, and probably would have gained more if Jack had gone to term. In four weeks I have lost 25 of my 30lbs, and am back into my regular clothes. I’m not exactly thrilled about it – I have some serious muffin top, and I’m sure my hips have gotten wider. My ribcage looks much smaller than it was before I was pregnant. The skin on my belly looks like cement and when I run I can feel it jiggle. I’ve got a ‘seam’ of skin, that’s folded along my abdomen from hip to hip. I’m happy to have lost 25lbs, but know that I have at least that much more to lose before I can stop obsessively staring at my belly in the mirror and weighing myself. If my body had helped my son to be a healthy full term baby maybe I could forgive it for looking so abused after bearing a child… but with all my body’s shortcomings on the inside, its ugly outside is just another drop in the bucket.