Our beautiful baby girl was sill born Jan.26, 2007. We had no idea that she would not be coming home with us that day. We were scheduled for a c-section (my 2nd one) she was breech just like her brother before her. My 1st baby was textbook and a vaginal delivery. She was moving around just fine the night before so when the Dr. told us that there was no heartbeat and that we would be delivering a stillborn baby we were devastated. The cord had 2 knots and was wrapped 4 times around her neck. She was fully formed and beautiful. We are still healing, but take great comfort in knowing that God had a special purpose for her: there were several women who spoke of a healing and closure that came from her funeral or from holding her shortly after her birth. We are looking forward to meeting her in Heaven again one day.
(the image is beautiful, yet very sad, so I made this one a link)
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hi, i understand completely and for me to be 21 y.o, and still have 2 stillborns, i know exactly what you mean. My husband and I today now have a 3 year old. I was 27 weeks when my first stillborn happened. I was devastated as you are. My second stillborn happened at 20 weeks and I’m still trying to heal after a whole year from the last one and almost 4 years from the first one. The process to have to give birth to a stillborn child is just overwhelming. The last stillborn was a TWIN but at the same time, the twin died before i suffered from having the stillbirth. As of this year, my husband and I was supposed to have 4 girls, but I know that GOD has something very special in store for her and our family. I first noticed that my first stillborn was not alive when i went to the hospital after feeling no movement and the dr told me she was dead. the second stillborn happened after the baby was in my uterus without a sac, so that means that my water broke early in my pregnancy without knowing it. I bled for the entire pregnancy. It is just the saddest thing to ever lose a child. My deepest sympathy goes out to anyone who has ever lost a child, because to have the strength to go on and bear another one is very POWERFUL. good luck to all. god is love!
9 months ago my life changed compleataly..I fell in love again, yup with someone besides my husband, my belly..haha.. Why?! Because I found out I was pregnant. The day I found out I was going to be a mommy, I got sooo happy it was unbelievable..I was jumping up and down and I wanted to go eat everyday at Paradiso with the excuse that it was “baby cravings” haha!! I still remember the very first time my baby kicked, it was on a Tuesday night right around 10pm. It felt so weird and it was amazing the way my stomach moved from one position to another. As time past by I was getting more anxious to know what my baby was going to be. When I was around 4 months I found out I was going to have a baby boy, and that very moment my husband and I decided his name was going to be Angel and since we couldn’t come up with the second name our future comadre Ayda, his madrina decided it to be Zahir! As time was getting closer for Angel’s arrival, my husband and I decided to go baby stuff shopping, we got our baby his crib, his stroller, his car seat, some new born clothes, diapers, his bathtub, and everything to fill up his nursery! La comadre, my mom, and I decided to make a babyshower where all the members of the church I used to attend helped out, and I got so many baby clothes and lots more gifts, I remeber it was a box full. July 4th 2009 baby Angel FINALLY decided to arrive. Around 3pm I started getting contractions and my baby was still moving, I called in and they told me to wait until I had them stronger even though they were already 3 minutes apart, they explained it was probably the beiggning of labor but I knew it was time. Around 5pm I couldn’t take them nomore so I told my husband not to call in, I told him to just take me, so he did. When I got there they put me on some monitors to measure the contractions and monitor my babys heartbeat. I knew something was wrong, evrytime I went they had never struggled to find it and this time they where, they told me not to worry but the tears where rolling down my eyes even though they hadn’t said anything yet. 10min later the Dr decided to do an ultrasound to see my babys heartbeat since they had said “baby is probably hiding and that’s why we can’t hear it” so they did. When the dr made the ultrasound on me, tears just rolled down her face and she just said to us “IM SORRY YOU GUYS” at that point I just screamed out and bursted out crying (and I still do, in fact I am right now) My baby was dead…Why?????? Why?????? He was still moving..2 hours ago…why??? I waited so long, we waited so long for this baby!! Yes, 3.5 weeks ago Jesus took my precious 7lb 9.4oz, 22 3/4in baby because he needed another Angel in heaven that’s the only answer I have because doctors can’t come up with anyother reason, that’s the reason we come up with. Sometimes we don’t understand Gods actions, but we do know that he does everything for a reason! I still cry myself to sleep, because I lost my baby, the baby I waited so long for, and I think of what would life be with him in my arms right now?! I get so angry because I only got to have him in my arms for 3 days and I didn’t even get to hear him cry when he was born, didn’t even get to see his eyes or his beautiful smile, but I thank God for letting me have him for 9 months and I’m going to spend the rest of my life thanking him! I miss my little Angel, but I know Jesus Is jumping up and down of joy just like I was 9 months ago and he is so happy to have my little boy up there, helping him watch over YOU and ME! My baby has been 3.5 weeks in Heaven..and I miss him so much..I just hope this cloud of sadness I’m going through will soon fade into a bright sunshine. I know Jesus will help me and so will my little boy! I miss you so much precious prince and I want you to know your room is still the same, and that mommy and daddy sleep with your musical teddy bear and your blankie, to remind us that your going to be with us always….always and forever in our hearts Angel Zahir Pruneda Gonzalez!! We love you baby boy, and we always will, always wevitos de oro!!
i had a still born baby girl, my first pregnancy, in 1979. i was 44 weeks and had many ultrasounds where she looked fine. i was to be induced the very next day. i still wonder why. i have had three subsequent pregnancies, with thank G-d, healthy children–i did not go into labor with any of them. they attempted to induce me with the second pregnancy for hours, and that was unsuccessful and only produced slight contractions ( and i do mean slight) that did nothing. it was a devastating experience. each of my subsequent three deliveries were scheduled c sections. i am sorry for anyone who has lost a pregnancy and wish each of you healing and support.
Ivy, I shed a tear when I read your heart-wrenching story about your baby boy, Angel. Im so sorry for your loss. I just wanted to say that we’re 2 months on now after losing our baby girl and from experience i can say this makes you a stronger person. I remember thinking i just wanted to die after we returned from the hospital without our baby. We had to face our beautiful new pram, all the gorgeous pink baby clothes we had so much joy choosing and had to explain to our other kids that they were’nt going to have a little sister after all. Aside from attending Sophia’s funeral, I didn’t leave the house for a month. I could not talk to anyone. I thought i would die from a broken heart. But somehow, you do learn to live with it. Its early days for me and I’m still struggling to accept that life has to go on, but please know that you will smile again. We have had to endure something no human being should have to, the fact that we can survive something so cruel and heartbreaking makes us very unique strong women and we will all see our precious angels again eventually one day. My heart goes out to you all.
As I wrote earlier, I lost my baby boy on May 21st of this year. He died the day before his scheduled induction day. We thought we were going to get to meet our little boy, never did we expect that we were going to be saying goodbye instead. I agree with Viki, we are unique strong women and we have to keep moving on in honor of our babies. I too wanted to crawl into bed and die, but I had a little girl at home who needed her mommy to get up and give her a happy life. People are always telling me that I seem so well adjusted and I seem to be taking this so well. In fact I am dying inside, but I refuse to fall apart. I never realized how strong I was until being strong was the only option I had. I want to cry and scream every time I see a baby that is about 11 weeks old…instead I smile and say a pray for the little person. My husband wants to start trying again for another baby in October. I am trying to find the strength to do this again….I am just going to have to put my faith in God that if we are fortunate enough to have another baby that everything will work out alright. I naively thought once I made it past the first trimester it would be smooth sailing…sadly I know better now. My OB said if we try again I will get tons of ultra sounds and stress testing throughout. I am 37 so I feel like time is running out for us.
I am so sorry that we are all part of this club that none of us wants to be apart of. I pray for all of you and I wish strengthen and happiness for all of you. I know we will see our angels again….and they will forever be watching out for their mommies.
If anyone has children who are having a hard time with this I got a book for my daughter called, “We were going to have a baby, but we had an angel instead.” It helped my daughter. Someone also gave me a beautiful book called No Tears in Heaven. It is written from our babies point of view about Heaven. It gave me some reassurance that my baby boy is doing well and watching over me. Every time I come to this site and see new posts my heartbreaks, I wish nobody else ever had to endure this……Good Bless you all and find strength in your love for your lost angels. I truly believe they want us, their mommies, to find peace and happiness even though there are times we feel there is none to be found.
I have been through this terrible experience.I’m 28 years old and was pregnant with my first child named Allee. She was born Aug 5th 2009 as a stillborn baby. I was at 40weeks and went to the Dr. for a regular checkup to find out there was no heartbeat and I had felt her move the day before.I hadn’t felt her move that morning but thought she was running out of room to move or asleep. I was scheduled to be induced in two more days.I was in disbelief and made my Dr. do two ultrasounds.I think of her all times of the day everyday. Time has not healed anything for me I hurt like it was yesterday.Will it ever get better?? My heart aches for her she was such a beautiful baby she weighed 8lbs 9ounces and 21 inches long. After I delivered her I would hear other babies crying down the hall and seeing my little one lifeless just ripped my heart out. I had a family member remove all the baby stuff from the house before I was to get home from the hospital.I had it all planned out what she was going to wear for Halloween and where to have her birthday parties and it got taken away in the blink of an eye.I wanted to avoid getting out in public and didn’t have motivation to do anything.I feel like I’m dead on the inside and not the same person anymore.This has been a life changing experience and would like to have another child but I know I will live in fear the whole time.I wouldn’t want my worst enemy to endure pain like this. I always thought that there was nothing to worry about after the first trimester.I learned to never take anyone or anything for granted.I know she is an angel watching over me now and I will get to see her again when God calls me home.
The cord being in a knot caused my sweet Allee to pass away I forgot to mention that in the paragraph above.
I am so sorry that you have also gone through, and are going through the loss of our precious little babies. It has only been 14 weeks for me, and while it does not get better, you will have days that you realize you have not cried. I am still very sad, but I have found that at the end of some recent days I realize I have not cried. I think of my little boy all the time…and when I see babies about his age, I have to turn away because I have tears. I don’t think that we ever get over losing our babies, but I do think we get through it. We will never be the same people, we are now mothers of angel babies, and that is life changing. I am trying to learn who I am now and what that means for my future. I have to learn to be okay with who I am now.
I know what it is to walk in your shoes and even though I don’t know you I wish for you to have strength, peace and love encircle you and your family. It saddens me to know there are other women out there going through this, you are right when you said you would not wish this on even your worst enemy. It is a nightmare I wish none of us had to face.
There is a website message board https://messageboards.ivillage.com that really helps me. You can post message to other moms currently going through this, or ones that have, and I have found some comfort at night when I can not sleep reading their messages, and posting questions to them.I hope is some small this helps you, and I hope you know that there are strangers out there who are saying a prayer for you.
It brakes my heart to return back and see new stories of babys being still born..I had my baby July 4th 2009 I wrote my story here Agust 2nd 2009 I still miss my baby I was 40 weeks and 4 days..and he weight 7.9 and measured 22 and 3/4..I would appreciate talking to someone..I don’t know what to do..I think I’m going crazy without him..I’m 20 years old and my first and only baby was born still.. ivania_freddy@hotmail.com or u could also contact me at https://www.myspace.com/ivy_kween88
Ladies, thank you all for sharing your story. My Husband and I lost our Little Nora Ambrosia-Rose at 28weeks and 5 days (September 17th 2009). She was my first and his second. We were at the doctor at 9am and her heartbeat was 148, moving around as normal. We were thrilled. By 130 that afternoon I was at the hospital in terrible pain… I just kept saying to my husband, “something is not right!”. He comforted me the best he could while driving to the hospital. I knew something was wrong immediately when the Nurse told me she was going to go get a doctor after I myself couldn’t hear her heartbeat (I’m a nurse too, but an ICU nurse). My husband looked at me and said “whats wrong”. I said ” I don’t know, but it’s not good”. The doctor came in and did an ultrasound and I too heard those dreaded words “I’m so sorry”. We immediately broke down, I demanded to see another doctor, have another ultrasound done and have my doctor paged immediately. The second doctor came in and said the same terrible 3 words… followed by one of my doctors running in my room 15 minutes later crying. She told me I was going to have to stay in the hospital and they were going to have to induce labor, but carefully… I was internally bleeding. My Placenta had completely detached from my uterus (which is where I was bleeding from). I shut down, a woman i work with left early to be with me and my husband (the hospital i worked at was only 5 minutes down the road). I had to have her explain everything to me.. i couldn’t comprehend anything my own doctors were telling me. All night I recieved multiple blood products – they had to put a special IV in my neck because they were worried once I delivered I was going to bleed to death. After 25 hours of labor, Nora arrived at 332pm at 16.5inches long and 2 lbs 10 ounces. She looks like a little mini-me. She even already had 1/4 inch of hair. My husband says that brings him comfort, because everytime he looks at me, he’ll always see her little face. The Doctors have no explanation right now as to why my placenta detached… waiting on multiple blood work to come back. I take comfort in knowing that Nora is in heaven, with my mother (who i lossed when i was 16- i’m 23 now). She was named after my mother Noreen Ann. She was named after my mother, my family name, and my husbands mother and grandmother(who are both still living). The pain, grief, and self blame (am I the only one with that?) are unbearable.. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you and your little angels.
It’s amazing how this post seems to just keep on going. So many sad stories I have just sat here and got done reading. I try to actually not look too into all of it because I just find myself in tears. We lost our little boy when I was 40 weeks pregnant on July 31, 2009. The strange part was that I was in labor the Friday before that for about 6 hours. Then, it was off and on for about a week. I didn’t worry because he was moving like crazy, and I had to sleep in a chair that whole week. He would kick me in my hip and I’d scream cause it hurt so bad. Then, the following Friday, I had horrible pains once again. We called my Midwife, and she didn’t think something was right, and we were told to go into the hospital. When we arrived, they did an u/s. No heartbeat on the screan. I was in so much pain, but the emotional pain was worse, and they descoved I was dialated to a 6. The worst part was that I was progressing extremely slow after that. I kept refusing a C-section knowing my baby was gone, and I had good vitals (My first birth was a C-section). It was about my health now. After 40 hours of extreme back pain and labor that day, I finally pushed my sleeping baby out. He was 7 lbs, 9 oz and 21 1/2 inches long. Now, I feel like everyone just wants me to get on with my life, but I miss my little boy in heaven. I cry everytime I read a new story about a baby dying. It is by far the worst feeling in the world to lose a child. It doesn’t matter when you lose them. Some people have said to me, “well, at least the baby didn’t take a breath.” I heard it enough times that my pain increased from it. We all held our babies for along time inside of us. I lost my first at 13 weeks along, and I still think about that lil one too. Now, we are hoping for another one, but trying to be patient. We just have to keep strong hearts and hope for the best. I figure that if I don’t keep trying for another, then I’ll never get another baby, not to replace my other one, but I yearn to hold a crying baby in my arms and to see it’s little hands and toes wiggle.
It is amazing how often these types of situations happen. I had no idea myself and was extremely shocked when I lost a child during childbirth. My pregnancy experience was amazing with no complications and a strong heartbeat week after week. I actually didn’t go into labor until I was 41 weeks and 3 days but this was all normal since this was my first pregnancy. The natural labor lasted almost 22 hours and we had a strong heartbeat up until the last 15 minutes when we was coming down the birth canal. The contractions were so strong that they couldn’t even try to get a heartbeat in between them because I just had to keep pushing. Once the head was out, I could tell that my midwives were getting worried, and panic occurred shortly after as his shoulders were stuck. After a very painful and scary 5 minutes they managed to yank him out but it was already too late. We still have no medical reason for why he was not able to take a breath which is extremely frustrating and saddening. It amazes me how much I loved something that was only with me for 41 weeks and 3 days. We named in Dean Aiden, he weighted 9lbs 3 oz and was 22″ long. I feel so lost now with no idea where to start to pick up the pieces and a tremendous amount of grief. I too have a heavy load of self blame however the feeling of being all alone is not as strong when I find websites like this. Thank you to all of you for sharing your stories.
I’ve just sat here for hours reading so many peoples sad stories, 3 weeks ago i gave birth to my beautiful baby girl at 40weeks+5Days but sadly she didnt make it and was a still born baby friday 4th dec 2009 weighing 7lb 4oz n measuring 52cm in lenght. She was mine and my partners 1st baby. The monday i was in labour for 6 hours with contractions 10 mins apart then they just stopped, tuesday i went 2 the doctors 4 a antenatal check heartbeat was good 140bpm posistion was good my blood pressure good everything you want to hear. The thursday i became worried again as movements had gotten so slow n then i wasnt sure i was feeling any at all my partner told me to check the heart beat as we had our own monitor at home couldnt find her heartbeat but being brave i thought it might be her posistion went to the hospital for heart monitoring then the midwife couldnt tell if it was my heartbeat or the babies so then had 2 scans which then they told me our baby no longer had a heartbeat. I had t choices c section or a vaginal birth i choose vaginal birth so they induced me and 12 hours later i gave birth to a beautilful baby girl, the cord was fine my waters broke clear they couldnt see any obv reasons so now were waiting on autopsy results. Thank you to everyone that has shared their stories as when it happened i though i was the only one in the world it had happened to i have a awful amount of self blame at the mo as i have no reason to blame as we have no results but the thought of being with her soon one day keeps me going.
I am so very sorry for your terrible loss. I check back on here every now and again and feel deeply saddened to read that so many more people have experienced this heartbreaking loss of their babies. Its been 7 months now since my baby girl died, and i’m still struggling with self blame too. It seems like the natural thing when something so unthinkable happens to say “What did I do so wrong”. The truth is, nothing. Sadly, we’ve all learned that this does really happen to normal people – not just in the movies. I feel like i’ll never ever be the same again. But i am living through the pain, as you will, and grow a strength you never knew you had in you. And always remember, you do have a daughter. No’one can ever take that away from you. She will always be in your heart. Peace and love to you xxx
I came across your site. thank you. its interesting how you put the picture of your beautiful baby into a link. I know how you feel. I am currently totally devasted. I had never gone longer than 37 weeks. I have 2 daughters who are now grown up (20 and 22) it took me 20 years to get courage to have another child. My beautiful daughter Maya was born 5 days ago. I was 38 weeks pregnant. I had been in the hospital only 3 days before and she was fine. They tried to induce labour, which wasnt what i wanted, i wanted a cesarean. I could not bear to go through labour with her. 4 days later and many pessaries, they agreed (after second opinion) to give me a cesarean. She was born. Unfortunately her skin had started to peel as she had died so many days before. I had sold my house at a massive financial loss to provide a beautiful home for her,. Everything was in place. I had had pains for days and thought i was going into labour. Now — now it feels like there is nothing. At the age of 41 its very unlikely i will have another, she cannot be replaced. This beautiful house that i now live in, i dont want to be here. I realise that she died at home… which makes me feel worse. I feel like all my dreams all my future is now gone. She should be born next week, instead we will be attending her funeral. I have to wait for the outcome of the post mortom, but i suspect, that like you, it will come back with no results found no cause of death. So many women this happens to, yet it is never discussed never talked about. I will never get over her death, it is like a light has gone out inside of me. Everything feels totally pointless. Thank you for sharing your beautiful daughter with us. My daughter was 7lbs 4oz, she would have been more than 8lbs not a small baby. My heart goes out to all of you, its a small comfort to realise that i am not alone x
Can I also add, after reading this whole page, what a help it was for me to read others stories. I know that when i was in hospital waiting to have her, i was reading websites about still birth on my mobile phone. So if anyone is reading this, I found that it did help (although i wasnt keen) to spend time with her, to hold her, dress her in her own clothes and a very special blanket. She looked like ‘my’ baby. I also took a lot of photos. It might seem a bit morbid, but i am so glad that i did. There was a tape that we found at the hospital, we played it a lot and it made us sob our heart out, i also did video of her with that music playing in the background, that helped a bit too, as while i can never see her actually move — the video does… so i feel like she has. It has created some – memories of her. Memories i would never otherwise have had. i had been thinking of not seeing her, not holding her. I am in UK, and i was so appalled that they force women to give birth vaginally if they really dont want this. Fortunately for me, my cervix refused to open. The hospital has said that they are now going to make it policy where women who face still birth at term (after 37 weeks) will be offered the choice – either c section or vaginal birth. They have said that they are hoping to campaign to have this happen nationally.
hi to all. we had a similiar experience in our family on the 26th dec 2009. the whole family was down for the holidays and all the conversations revolved around my brothers 1st little one that was one his way – the first grandchild aswell. we received the call at about 11pm that night that my sister in law had gone into labour. my mom(gran to be) and myself raised to meet them at the hospital – excitement was all around! booked her in, the nurses did their routine check and then the shock – they could not detect Caleb’s heartbeat. 41 weeks and absolute devastatioin. We refused to believe and were continuosly praying for a miracle until 8am the next morning where she had given natural birth – and unfortunatley he was not alive. As a 1st time aunt that was so excited i can only imagine the pain for a mother. my heart goes out to everyone that has experienced this! But praise the Lord that we can be reunited at the gates of glory! to parents who have lost children, i encourage you to live righteous lives and don’t leave your children waiting at heavens gates in vain. be blessed.
i am a mother of two soon to be 3 i am 39 weeks 6 days both of my previous pregnancies had to be induced as i was overdue.The stories i have read here touch my heart deeply tho i have never experienced stillbirth it is a fear all mothers share and i commend you for the bravery it takes to post your daughters picture she is very precious…the stories i have read here are the reason i believe that ultrasounds should also be administered at 36 ,38 and even 40 weeks to insure the safety of our children. my best friend lost her son 2 days before her due date she felt something wasnt right the baby was moving and everything else seemed fine when she went to the hospital they did not give her an ultrasound tho as she was suppose to have her 40 week appt in 2 days when she went to her app there was no heartbeat had they givin her an US they wouldve found a blood clot in the cord and saved her sons life…it is a shame that these things happen so close to birth…i pray for the healing process for you and all the other women who have posted
for the children who were born still but still born
Having an ultrasound does not guarantee anything. I was 44 weeks and the day that my baby died I had been in the hospital for testing (including ultrasound) from nine am until three thirty in the afternoon. Everything appeared to be fine. I was scheduled for induction the next day and that night our little girl died. It was our first child and I had never known anyone to lose a baby like this. My mother had died the previous year. Thank G-d I have had three healthy children since that time. I have never gone into labor, never dilated and have needed to schedule a C section for all of them.
The stillborn was thirty years ago and I don’t think I have ever gotten over it.
I wish all of you who have written a healing and support.
Hi, Im so sorry for everyone’s loss and it’s so sad and unfair we have lost our babies. I just lost my beautiful twins (girl/boy) 5 days ago. I went into labor at 22weeks. I’m so hurt and angry right now, and I can’t believe God would do this to my husband and I. I pray that we all get through all of our pain and God answers our prayers.
Hi everyone can I start by saying your angel stories have moved me to tears, every story similar but so unique. I felt compelled to share our family story with you, my nephew Max grew his wings on 27th December 2009 at 34 weeks he weighed 4lbs 15ozs and was perfect like a sleeping angel. My brother and his wife are slowly coming to terms with Max’s death but as I’m sure you all understand they will never accept him not being here.
I will never get over watching my brother carry that tiny coffin as long as I live, it broke my heart. My husband and I helped to arrange his funeral, John is a musician so he offered to help find some music. We were shocked at the lack of songs, what song is appropriate for a little person you never met.
I wanted to do something for Max so that everyone would remember him and know that he was real, a real person that would of grown up if he hadn’t been taken. I wanted people to remember all the other babies who have not made it this far but have left behind devastated families.
We remembered back to his funeral and how his Mummy had been so upset because she couldn’t find a song so my husband and I wrote a song for Max and all the angel babies. We have called it Sweet Dreams our Angel. Any money we make is going to a charity who supply hospitals with memory boxes that are given to parents who’s babies are born sleeping. Memories come with time which is something our angels do not have, the boxes help to create special memories while you have the chance.
I have watched my brother and his wife take solice in poetry and music over the last few months so I hope that the song will help another couple to do the same. Max might not have made it but I like to think that if his song can help even one person then he didn’t die for nothing. I hope you are not offended that I have posted this story.
I hope all your angels continue to shine bright and watch over you all.
Sweet Dreams Our Angels is available to watch on youtube please look out for it. (john black)
Kelly xxx
I lost my much loved baby son on Aug 13th 2010 at 40 weeks and 1 day. I still can’t believe this has happened. I had a great pregnancy and was so excited to hold him in my arms. My husband and little girl were equally exited. The previous week for my checkup, ultra sound was fine. A couple of days later, hours before my last check up I hadn’t felt him move but was not too worried as I thought it normal at this stage. When they did the ultra sound they couldn’t find a heart beat. If it wasn’t for my little girl, needing her mum to be strong I wouldn’t find the strenghts to get up in the morning… I share your pain of loss and grief and hope at some point it will get better…
I lost my sweet girl at 30 week pregnancy… I conceived after 1 ectopic pregnancy four years back. Had a high risk pregnancy initially and now i thought its seventh month I am off the high risk but..
Its so painful to bear
in 2010, my first pregnancy was not successful as no growth was detected. It was a painful experience as well when dr needed to take my baby out via d&c. I was told it was some kind of natural selection for the baby to grow when i asked my dr the reason why this could happen. I have cried few times thinking about it.
A few months later after the d&c, I realised that I got pregnant again for second time. I was happy but still anxious whether the same like my first pregnancy will ever happen again. but i was extremely happy, so did my husband when dr told me that my baby of nearly 2 months old is growing normally with heartbeat detected.
As time goes by, my baby grow perfectly healthy as well as my health condition was perfect too. All routine checking was done accordingly.
To my shock, I lost my baby girl 3.9kg last end of January 2011 (40 weeks 2 days). It was really unacceptable and extremely painful with tears and cries for almost 2 weeks. I lost myself. I dont want to talk to anyone except my husband. i am afraid to face everyone. I kept on asking, why???
dr. said my placenta position is good. no cord accident, baby’s perfect. its just that dr. would like to investigate the possibility of ‘anti phospholipid syndrome (APS). Its somekind of blood disorder.
You have a very beautiful daughter. Like you, I just lost my little ANGEL last March 4, 2011.. It is really so hard to cope up with what we had experience specially with all the monther’s who had a stillborn baby. It was exactly our 2nd weekly check up at exact 37 weeks when the doctor announced that my baby has no heartbeat, a moment of truth that after we carry them for a month,we are only left behind with the memories of few months while they are still in our womb,playing and kicking, the time that we used to talk to our babies inside us and like a full bloom toddler they will respond by moving..A medical result mentioned that their was a placenta abruption and only 2 vessels of her umbilical cord only she has.
I lost my dream little girl to fast, And I know that she is with our Dear LORD now with your daughter. I just thought that all that happens is GOD’s will, and our little girl left too soon and was chossen because GOD has a very good reason and plan for them. Someday, we will meet them in GOD’s time…
I am really sorry ladies for your loss.I also lost my son on the 4th of April 2010.I was 32 weeks pregnant I work up that morning with a weird urge to have sex,during sex I could feel the baby playing then after I felt contractions I called my mom bt she said mybe its a false alarm cos it is stil early.I didn’t go to church and at about 11 o’clock I had a visitor and she told me my face was sowlen.I didn’t take that to consideration because my face was soulen.after she left them I had sever contraction as I was trying to take a bath I was sweting a lot.my boyfriend bathed me then took me to hospital.when we got there I was refused treatment bcos I was in the army I need athourity papers from the army before they can attend to me,my man went to the unit to get the authority,while he was away a nurse asked to check the heart beat of the baby the was nothing they called the docter to take me to altra sound and still the was nothing.I couldn’t cry why I dnt knw.when my boyfriend came back he was with some medics from the army to transport to a bigger hospital in a big city witch was 130km away.when I got their I ws told the docter will only see me tomorro I was given medication to stabilise my high blood pressure.the following day at 8 o’clock the docter came to see me and broke the water and more than water the was blood coming out.I was told because this is my first baby they can’t operate so I went through normal labour not so painful at 7 o’clock at night I felt the urge of going to the toilet then I was told the baby was coming I was told to push only once the baby was out.I remeber wishing to hear a cry bt the was nothing.life was normal to me I thought mybe after sometime it will come back and hit me hard bt it never did although I love my baby boy Kitso so much I thank God for helping me accept that his no more like I did.I am now 5months pregnant with a baby girl the were complications at the begining bt now am fine although most of the time I wake up just to feel if the is movements in my stomach.I pray to God all the time for my babies well being as I’m writing his playing.I luve little beauty so much.
My wife and I lost our baby 3 years ago, due to a placenta abruption. For a split second I wanted to blame God, but then realized that I needed him to get me through this. Each day without our little ones makes us sad, but knowing one day we will reunite is comforting. My prayers are with all of you and I pray that all of you will find the strength to go on. Never forget your babies and don’t be afraid to talk with them everyday. Love them always like they are here. God be with all of us who have been put into this situation.
Thank you for your touching post. Your baby is beautiful and loved.
I’ve been on this site thru out my pregnancy and found comfort in mommy stories. Then at 32 weeks my baby stopped moving. I was told its normal and he was probly jut sleeping or has less room to wiggle. He kicked me so much before it didn’t feel right. I fell asleep and had a dream I was being measured for a halloween costum by a doctor who put her hand over my belly where my little boy Halo always snuggled and she said” somethings not right here”. I woke, immediately dressed called L and D and went to the hospital. I saw a newborm coming down the hall and turned my head away. I knew something wasn’t right. The nurse couldn’t find a heartbeat and called a doctor to do and ultra sound. I panicked and begged them to tell me my baby was ok. Instead I got an”I’m sorry there is no heartbeat”. I’ll never forget those words. I had to be induced for 3 days and had my perfect baby boy sleeping on sept 5 2011. He was 4 lbs 1oz 16.5 inches. His umbillical cord had a true knot and was wrapped around his neck two times.
When I finally pushed him out I just wepted in a way I never have. 8 months and it was all over in one push. I had hoped he would cry and there was nothing. I cry everyday for him. I miss him so much. I love him more and more each day. I had him creamated and keep him in a teddy bear urn. It helps to hold him.
Sometimes I fight with the feelings I feel I let my baby die and didn’t help him. Some days are darker then others and I try to remember my spirtuality and think he isn’t actually gone. But its hard. Knowing what happened hasn’t made it easier. Knowing he was heathly and possibly could have survived if I had acted sooner just brings so much guilt. Others have tried to comfort me and say strange things. I had chosen the name Halo early in my pregnancy. He was always my angel and a gift from God. But to hear people say you named him halo its like you knew he was gods child and gonna leave soon. Just isn’t what a new mommy that lost her baby needs or wants to hear.
Even though he passed I’m so proud of my baby boy and want everyone to know him, know his name and talk about him with happiness in their voice.
I read everyones stories and it breaks my heart but brings a bitter sweet comfort. I know my angel is with all of yours and that helps so much. I wish all of you peace.
Forever loved
Halo Javan M. born sleeping 9/5/2011
It is with great sadness I read all these beautiful stories as my wonderful brother and his wife have just found out that their precious darling boy, who was due to be born next week, has passed away. He will be delivered stillborn this evening. Our entire family are devastated but reading these entries has given us a little hope and comfort.
my heart goes out too you all.
I found out my baby had died in the womb at 36weeks. I had gone for a routine check up with the midwifes and she couldnt find a heart beat and sent me to Labour ward but cause i had no money the midwife said i would have to catch a bus even though i live 1 and 1/2 hours away from the hospital and knowing that my baby wasnt breathing i was in a right mess so i rang my mum and literally ran to her house crying. My mum bundled me into a taxi an we went to labour ward. i was left waiting for half an hour i felt sick to my stomach i knew they was something wrong. when they shouted me in i just stared at the ceiling praying my baby was ok, but the nurse wrapped her arms around me and said im sorry your baby is dead. i couldnt move, i have never in my life cryed as much as i did. The people in the waiting area outside herd my screams an the nurse ran out to get help i just couldnt breathe, my mother just held me tight and cryed we just couldnt believe my little boy had gone. I asked them to recheck 3 times. The doctor came in and took me into another room and outside were all the mums to be, staring at me. i felt sick and it haunts me everyday. to make matters worse my husband to be, was none the wiser, it was his birthday and he had took our 2 year old son to the park and i had to phone him and tell him what had happened.
I was induced that day they gave me a tablet then sent me home and told me to come back in 48hrs. I was at home for 3 hours then rushed back in as all the stress had caused me to go into labour. 1 hour later i was screaming for help from the nurses in the hospital for 10 mins because they wern’t awnsering my buzzer. by the time they came in i was on the floor and 9 and a half cm dialated with no pain relief. i gave birth to my beautiful little boy.
his name is Riley Jaylon Cook born 9th september 2011 he weighed 6lb 13ounce born sleeping.
We had the post mortem results after the cremation it turned out several reasons.
the placenta was half the size it should have been and couldnt support riley so caused an abrubtion but the doctor also said the cord was too short and it was wrapped round his neck 4 times so they couldnt determine weather it was the abruption or the cord or both. what makes me even more angry is 3 days before i had a small bleed an riley was still alive then but was in distress. the nurses gave riley 3 heart and fetal movement traces and 2 of them were abnormal then they did 1 an sent me off home sayin he was fine. All through my pregnancy the health service has failed me and my baby. i was seen by my midwife at 6 weeks then again at 22 weeks and i had really bad sickness till i was 25 weeks and doctors didnt even no i was pregnant because the midwife hadnt recorded it down in my records. I was suppose to have regular thyroid check ups cause of my underactive thyroid and they monitered it twice through my whole pregnancy and said it was ok and said i had to come back in a year. when i had given birth to riley the nurse in charge of me was hovering around demanding i showered when all i wanted to do was hold my baby, she then told me i have to put him down in this metal fridge type incubator to keep him ‘preserved’ as she put it. i wanted to swing my fists at her. my baby had been born dead and all i wanted to do was be with my husband to be and saver every last moment we had with riley because as soon as we walked out them hospital doors we wouldn’t be able to see riley again. All the nurse could think about was how she wanted us out as there were shortage of rooms. when we said good byes my husband to be fell to the floor are heartroken and we came home and i just held my 2 year old son an just didnt want to let him go. 4 hours later i was rushed back into hospital because i had contracted an infection in my womb because they hadnt got all the placenta out of me so i had to deliver the remaining placenta. i was then left in a room surrounded by 3 other woman giving birth and hearing there babies cry for the first time i just wept and wept i just wanted to go home and hide away. its been 11 and half weeks now and its still not getting any easier. my christmas is over and the only reason im celebrating is because of my 2 year old son. i feel really empty and its put a wall between me and my partner. we constantly argue and my little boy keeps telling my mum that im sad all the time and that daddys shouting, i just dont want that for him i feel like a bad mum. im on a waiting list to be seen by a counsiller.
R.I.P to Riley and all those other little angels who didnt make it into this world <3 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hi, I am amazed at how many responses there are to my story. I pray that each one of you find the healing you need. God bless you all, It is painful and raw, a heart wound that never fully closes. But it does get better as time passes. You will never forget your Angels.
God Bless.
If you would like to see it, I have a blog where I write to Chelsea as I need to. Here is the link:
https://sites.google.com/site/couponclipinqueen/chelsea
Dolly
Im writin do to the loss of my wonderful Grandson Bentley he was born at 22 weeks stillborn on Dec 7th 2011 He was fine a week before an my Daughter said she felt him moving the nite before the ultrasound Im just so confused on what Happened to the lil guy I have a beautiful Grand daughter I know im not the mom but my heart breaks for all u women an my daughter I dont have the words for her that her son is always wanted she got her lil girl now he is gone an i feel so lost an it also happened on my moms bday which is the great grandma its heartbreaking Doctor said something about he was small like off lil under 2 weeks so I dont know now our xmas isnt xmas but I do it for my lil grand daughter who is 4 I just wish he was here I blamed God an I know now that was wrong cause we all prayed for the ultrasound to be ok wonder if trauma happened to mom from her husband would do anything in my heart im lost for thoughts Im so sorry for all ur losses i cant say i know but i know it hurts im the Grandma there is no words R.I.P BENTLEY RYAN
I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious child. In 1990, I was 33 weeks pregnant. It was the middle of the night and I awoke from a terrible dream that someone left a baby in a car seat on top of a picnic table in the hot sun. I saw this as I was dreaming from a window of a second story building and I was banging on the window for someone to hear me and yelling that there was a baby in the hot sun alone. I woke myself up because my arms and hands hit the back of my headboard. I got up to go to the bathroom. I came back to bed and as I was lying there I noticed that my baby wasn’t moving and every night when I went to the bathroom she would be active. So I did feel alarmed. I don’t know why. I laid there and kept pushing on my stomach to wake her. I was only 22. I had never thought of stillbirths. A couple of hours went by and I woke my husband and told him the baby isn’t moving and I thought it was concerned. We agreed I would first thing in the morning call my obgyn and go in. At 9;00 I laid on the doctors office bed and my doctor checked the heartbeat with a device. He listened and listened and went hhmmmm. I knew something was terribly wrong. He told me to go to the hospital and have an ultrasound done. I drove home and told my husband and we could not believe this. I was numb and we needed to get to the hospital. I laid on the bed in the hospital and for atleast 15 minutes a man tried to find her heartbeat and I felt faint and weak and dizzy and anxious……and then she was gone. I had to carry her for 10 days inside of me. I was huge. I had to walk around pregnant with my baby gone. They hoped I would go into labor on my own. But I didn’t. So 10 days later they induced me and I almost lost my life during delivery. I had her and it was so painful. I held her in my arms. She is buried with her family. We named her Jennie after my Grandmother who passed away in 1972. My grandmother has her. Until I go.
My heartfelt sympathies go out to all of of the families above. I understand your pain. Nothing seems logical or right. I lost my baby boy after 37 minutes of bliss. No one know what to say or makes peny references to ‘what was meant to be’. It’s infurating! This was NOT meant to be. It has been 5 years. The emptiness is still there. My sister in law just gave birth to a baby with a cleft palate and I am so angry that she is upset she didn’t terminate her pregnany. I would be HAPPY to be able to worry about a small surgical procedure that visiting my son’s grave! Has anyone else had this happen in their families? Am I just bitter? I miss my son SO much. I would have died for 5 more monutes with him. It’s not fair.
Thank you for sharing your story and your picture of your beautiful baby girl.
I have found comfort in reading all your heartbreaking stories. I had a stillborn baby girl at 40 weeks about a month ago. Like many of you I was told at my OB appointment that they could not find a heartbeat, five days before my due date. I was devastated. She was my first baby and she was perfect. I have no answers as to why this happened and that makes it all the more difficult to cope and accept. Having a stillborn is a horrible tragedy. She should be here with me, but she isn’t.
Dear Lisa,
May I know whether you drink a lot of cold water and house work? My baby also found without heartbeat on due day 1 year plus ago. no specific answer too as all lab tests normal..really heartbroken..till now I still feel sad about it.
i just lost my baby girl at 40 weeks stillborn last week and it hurts so bad can’t stop thinking about her and all the things that went wrong and have no answers i pray God everyday for strength the pain is too much like you i have pictures of her i got to keep her with me while i was at the hospital that’s the only thing i have memories and the hope that i will see her again in heaven!
IT REALLY HURTS TO LOSE SOME ONE YOU KNOW AND THAT IS THE BABY IN YOUR BODY,In life you never had a chance to hear them cry or speak or breath and it is something you will never get over as long as you live and even when you try again in the future and have more children…it will never replace what you have lost but in life we want to have children and have some one to love and share are life with and we are connecting the blood lines and bringing families together and to have some one who has your eyes and or your laughter is a true and blue blessing and to lose some one you love hurts from the bottom of your heart and soul but later in life, when we get old and go with god, we know we are going to meet are children again in heaven and so there is the hope for the future and yes it breaks every womans heart and soul and mind and spirit!
Reading all your posts, I feel we all will forever be connected. Connected not in the way we wish but in the loss of losing a baby. My heart aches for each and everyone of you. I, too, lost my beautiful baby girl. I was 40 weeks gestation. I felt my Avery move just 3 hours prior to my water breaking. My water broke and I was in the hospital in less that 30 min. To my absolute horror, they could not detect a heartbeat and performed a crash c-section. They were not able to save her. It’s been 6 months and I still feel like it happened yesterday. I prayed for my miracle everyday. She was the daughter I longed for my entire life. I would love to say it gets easier but the pain still seems just as intense as if it happened just yesterday. I still haven’t been able to pack up her beautiful nursery. I pray for each and every one of you. God Bless to you all.
I lost my baby 12days ago,I had her through cs. She lived just 4 15hrs then she died. I can stop thinking about her.
We had a stillborn baby boy 11/24/13 at 38.5 weeks. No reasons were found. He was our third baby. The first two are sweet healthy girls. I think about him a lot and miss him. Also I think about having another one and wonder how it will turn out. The incredible sadness and sleepless nights are still here.
I write in memory of my son Nkosingiphile . He was born post mature in June 1977. By ceasarean section. I never had a chance to see or hold my baby boy. I have since had a3 children although I have never been in labour. I miss my precious baby after all these years. It gets better with time but you never forget. Rest in peace my angel. See you in heaven.
Hello to all mothers of angels, I lost my son @ 38 weeks a month ago, this was my 1st pregnancy so u can imagine the excitement I hd, everythng was perfect until I went for my regular checkup at the clinic, there the nurses couldn’t find my baby’s heartbeat then ws referred to ther hospital, when an ultrasound ws done dey also couldn’t find my son’s heartbeat and was later induced, when I was in labour only one nurse helped throughout all this while the rest just peeped throu the curtain sheets, I’m so torn n feel emty inside. Haven’t slept alone ever since cause all I think about is my little boy n I’ve even hd a dream of giving birth to 4 stilbirths n that reali freaks me out if wether I will have children or not in the near future, I love n miss my lil boy so much
R.I.P Lonwabo (means happiness) 09/08/2014
May the LoRd bless you wonderfull n strong women
Our angel was born 17/9/14, ( last wednesday) and was laid to rest yesterday. She was our first little baby and my god shes beautiful. We have so many people saying how strong we are being only 19 years old, but I feel weak as hell. Life is not how I imagine it now. Our princess is gone and I feel empty without her. I was so excited the moment I started getting all those aches and pains, knowing that her arrival was imminent, and couldnt stop talking about cuddling and kissing her when she was to be placed in my arms for the first time, but then we arrived at the hospital, with no heart beat on the monitor nor the ultrasound, my whole world collapsed, our baby girl was gone. I dont know how to live on, how is a mother suppose to get past the loss of a baby?
I forgot to add, that I was 40 weeks, only 3 days overdue.
Help I lost my sleeping angel four days ago. It was exactly a week ago today i had to have my beautiful son put to sleep at 24 weeks and 5 days due to a severe cardiac abnormality that ment he would not survive. It was the hardest decision of my life and one I’m struggling to come to terms with. I was induced on 1/10/14 and gave birth on 2/10/14 at 16.56pm to the most beautiful angel i have ever seen i didn’t realise how much you could love something. He was perfect in every way. We got to spend the night with him and have a memory box full of stuff its that full we need to get him another one cos we’ve run out of room. I’m just finding everything a struggle, today is a really bad day i can’t bear to pull myself out of bed i feel like just ending everything so I can be with my little man I’m tearing myself apart i feel a failure as i couldn’t keep him safe. I just feel like I’ve let my family and my partner down and what sort of mother am I if I couldn’t protect my son. I hate myself so much.
Karen do not blame your self one single bit .
We lost our gorgeous boy 5 days ago in gold coast hospital . My wife was 40 weeks exactly , my wife starting feeling contractions in the morning and they were coming fast , we made our way up to the hospital and they wanted to check the heart beat and they could not find it so they went and got another massive machine and checked again , I could feel something is going on and its bad!!!
A few momments later about 6 people were in the room (medical people ) and said them words I would rather not repeat. Our hearts were crushed and will be crushed for some time , hardest bit of this was telling our 3.5 yr old girl that her little brother is not coming home. My wife is the strongest person I know and is my hero . To be told that our boy has no heart beat and then spend 8 hrs in labour knowing there is no gift at the end of this! We took The last 3 Days spending anytime we could with him , bathing him , photos , videos , hugs and kisses and heaps more , we have his clothes everything! My wife made the decision to take our daughter to go meet him and I was a little hessitant , ended up being the best decision ever , our daughter bathed him to and put a fresh nappy on him . Always trust a mothers intuition !!!!!!
Our boys funeral is next wednesday and its gonna be the hardest thing ever but I am going to stand up and talk as I know my boy will give me the strength to do this ! I am a sensitive guy so I havent stopped crying the whole time , as for my wife she has only had a tear now and then , we are both hitting this head on and talking together but I just worry about her , she says she still feels a bit num and I totally understand but I know she should be hurting alot more . We are going to go see a councilor next week as we really need to stick together as one ! Our little daughter is totally getting us through this dark time , to people that dont have a child already this would be alot harder I think. We are a strong family and have massive support from family and friends and people we dont even know . Fly with the other angels my dear son and we know you are watching over us everyday. Love you son (cooper)
On Thurs January 15th 2015 i made 37 weeks. Preg with my 2nd baby girl i was ecstatic. I had just had my baby shower sun jan 11th 2015. But on thurs night around 10ish pm i started feeling weird cramps. I assumed it was braxton hicks bc i know you experience that towards the end of preg. But then these pains wouldn’t stop so I called the hospital where i was scheduled to give birth and i told the nurse how bad my stomach was hurting. She told me to take a warm bath and take immodium. I did that but the pain just got worst. I told my bf i couldn’t take the pain any longer and that we need to head to the hospital. Sounding so excited he said is the baby coming and i said im not sure bc I never experienced a pain like that before, so we get there i check in head to back. The nurse comes in and does an ultrasound. She didn’t say nothing, then the doctor comes in, does another ultrasound and boom she drops the bomb on us. She said the baby died. I said what, in disbelief. I couldn’t believe the words that came out her mouth, bc just hrs before my baby was moving and everything. Then they told me i have to do am emergency c section and that i got to the hospital right on time bc I could’ve died. All these mixed emotions running in my head, trying to sink all this information in. They told my bf the procedures of me getting the c section and so on. I had lost sooooo much blood internally. My kidneys started failing. Just my whole world started to fall apart. finally the c section was over and I woke up. Minutes later they brought my baby to me to hold. I immediately started crying. Crying like a baby, i was trying so hard to stay strong but how can you, when you was expecting to give birth to a healthy baby and bring her home. My baby girl was soooo beautiful. She had all my features. We named her jaliyah monae’. She was born friday jan 16th 2015. 5lbs 6ozs and 18inches. She was tiny like me as a baby. It’s really hard to deal with bc who would’ve imagined losing a baby just out the blue like that. It hurts me every single day. I think about her all day long. I couldn’t wait to dress my baby and bond with her. Now she’s in heaven smiling down on us. I know eventually it’ll get easier but I know one thing i will neverrr everr everrrr forget my baby girl. I’ve never heard of preeclampsia until this happened to me, didn’t even have high blood pressure at all, but is women gotta stay strong for our babies. Just know god is going to take great care of them and you know they’ll never have to suffer.
I gave birth to my 2nd child on Feb. 7, 2015 stillborn at 29 weeks. It has been almost two months but still been crying really hard everyday. I am focussing my attention to my 4 yr old daughter and husband and decided to return to work to keep myself busy but i still feel dying everyday.
The doctor said that it was placental insufficiency which was not detected on my recent ultrasound because i am not categorized as high risk. Later did i know through researching that my 1st also had difficulty because she was very small when she was born. I was very glad that my eldest was able to survive with my health condition and saddened that if i could have been very careful with my last pregnancy he could have survive like her sister.
I am still blaming myself for i was not able to give him the safest place. I thought that since he was inside me, he will be protected, that he will not be affected by stress and physical activities that are required to a working mom.
I really wanted him badly, he was an answered prayer but little did i know that he was just a borrowed angel. That he will be taken away from us too soon. I just hope that when the right time, i could give him the kisses and hugs that i’ve been longing to do.
I miss you Xander Zherjil. I love you!