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30 Years in the Making (Anonymous)

January 11, 2012

My journey from hating myself to, well, not hating myself as much.

Age: 30 Pregnancies: 1 Births: 1 via C-Section on 4/26/2011 Stay at home mom

I am almost 8 months PP and think I am finally becoming more comfortable with myself after being insecure for most of my life. I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, Isabella via Cesarean Section. I was 2 weeks past my due date and she was nowhere near where she needed to be. We found out that her cord was wrapped around her neck twice, and that if she did actually drop down into my pelvis, it would have been a much different outcome. She was a healthy 8.1 pounds and 21 inches and the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I gained close to 50 pounds with the pregnancy, and was 192 before I went into the hospital. 2 weeks after coming home, I wound up in the hospital with excessive bleeding that no doctor could determine where it was coming from. All these factors lead to a very long recovery time, over 2 months. Before I got pregnant, I was in the gym everyday working to make myself feel better about my body. I am a certified personal trainer, and know exactly what needs to be done to look your best and be at your healthiest (even at my healthiest, thinnest point, I had very, very low self confidence) . Well, after the birth it was a totally different story. I was so unhappy with my body, yet I was not doing anything about it. My husband would say I’m crazy for getting so upset. I would close myself in the bathroom and cry for long periods of time (still do). I was (am) so so so insecure with myself that I was convinced my husband was cheating on me. And oddly enough, this was ok for me, just sitting, doing nothing about it. Until one night I was feeling so sorry for myself for looking this way, that I was like “I can’t do this to myself anymore.” I signed up for weight watchers that night. When my husband came home from work on a break, I told him I joined up. After his initial reaction (what? Why?!? How much?!) I had to explain that I NEED HELP! At this point, there was no way I can do it on my own. He understood and has been supportive since. That was a month ago. I started at 166 pounds, and am now at 154.5. My belly will not go away no matter how much cardio I do, or how many ab workouts I do. I don’t like the way I look, and refuse to be totally naked in front of my husband. I’m working at it, but in my mind it’s just not coming fast enough. I want to be the girl my husband met 5 years ago. I want to be the thin girl with nice biceps that doesn’t get winded walking the 5 flights to my apartment. I want him to look at me and think damn, I’m lucky. In the past few days, I have thought about a lot of things. I’m not perfect, and I’m not a super model. I carried a little angel in my belly for 9+ months. I’m a good mom, and take care of my daughter and my husband as best as I can. I try to be as nice as I can to everyone I meet. I turned a house into a home, and have a killer personality (lol). I no longer think my husband is cheating on me. I know he loves me, and would do anything for me. I’m not thin, and I don’t think my poochy belly will every go away. But I won’t stop working at it. And that’s all I can do. Every day is a new chance to start over. I love my life, and soon I hope to love myself just as much. And if someone judges me by my weight, or thinks wow she can stand to lose a few pounds, I feel sorry for them. I wouldn’t trade Isabella for the best body in the world. I wanted to share my story because I know I am not alone in feeling this way, and would like to say that once you stop worrying about what other people think (jerks…) you really start to feel better with yourself. It only took me my whole life to realize this…

first picture: The year I met my husband – 135 lbs size 6
second picture: 23 (?) weeks pregnant
Third Picture: 7 1/2 months PP 154.5 lbs
fourth picture: my little Isabella

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4 Responses to “30 Years in the Making (Anonymous)”

  1. Jessica Says:
    January 11th, 2012 at 8:07 am

    Good for you that you’ve started to take better care of yourself! How you look and how you feel you look will get better and better with time. You’re only 7 months out and your body is still healing- your body goes through so many changes hormonally and physically, that it just takes time for your body to stabilize. I think your attitude is fabulous- keep up the good work!

  2. Soraya Says:
    January 12th, 2012 at 5:27 am

    I can completely relate to your post and came to the same conclusion myself about a month ago. I am now 10 months PP and feel like life is getting back to normal. I spent so much time and effort learning how to look after my baby when I was pregnant but spent so little time thinking about how I would recover and rebuild my confidence. You have a beautiful daughter and I wish you all the luck on your journey x

  3. Sarah Says:
    January 12th, 2012 at 3:30 pm

    You have a great attitude and I think you’re on the right track! It isn’t important that you can ever become a bikini model. What’s important is that you’re healthy for your daughter and your husband! In fact, I should listen to my own words. I need to get out there and start exercising again! Thanks for your story. :)

  4. Erika Says:
    January 22nd, 2012 at 11:14 pm

    I can relate 100%!!! I have a beautiful daughter, gained about 50 lbs and had a ceasaran as well. I have had a very difficult time with my post pardum body but I can say it does get better!!! Your on the right track!!! Keep at it working out and taking good care of your body. I think you look amazing seriously and with time you will see a difference. My daughter is a year and a half and theres a huge difference from this year and last year. Just stay motivated, healthy and happy. For you and your family!

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